Following the defeat of Vapula, Lucifer has settled into a period of intense boredom. Sleeping nearly all day, he has had surprisingly few dreams. Until now...
- Lucifer: (I have to get this job... How difficult could it be to be a newscaster? Besides, the thought of all of my viewers loyally tuning in every weekday at 7:00 and unquestioningly believing everything I say has quite an appeal...)
- Assistant: Okay, three, two, one... Go!
- Lucifer: Thanks for tuning in this evening! I'm Lucifer O'Henry and YOU have just entered the ALL-SPIN ZONE!!! NEWS WITH A KICK! The O'Henry Hour! Now to our top story tonight! Last night, Tim Woll, a dick sucker, said this!
- Tim: Какого хрена ты просто чертовски говорят обо мне, ты, маленькая сука? Я вас знаю, я закончил верхней части моего класса в спецназа ВМС, и я был вовлечен в многочисленные тайные набеги на Аль-Каиду, и я более чем 300 подтвержденных побед. Я обучаюсь в гориллу войны, и я верхней снайпер во всей вооруженных сил США. Вы для меня ничего, а просто другую цель. Я буду уничтожить вас к черту с точностью равных которому еще никогда не видели раньше на этой земле, помяните мое чертовски слова. Вы думаете, что вы можете уйти с того, что дерьмо ко мне через Интернет? Подумайте еще раз, ублюдок. Как мы говорим Я связываюсь с моим тайным сеть шпионов на территории США и ваш IP в настоящее время прослеживается прямо сейчас, так что вам лучше подготовиться к буре, опарыш.Шторм, который уничтожает жалкий, что вы звоните вашей жизни. Ты чертовски мертв, детка. Я могу быть в любом месте, в любое время, и я могу убить тебя в более семисот способами, и это только голыми руками. Я не только широко подготовку в рукопашном бою, но у меня есть доступ ко всему арсеналу морской пехоты Соединенных Штатов, и я буду использовать его в полной мере, чтобы вытереть задницу несчастной с лица континента, вы немного дерьма. Если бы ты только мог знать, что возмездие нечестивым ваш маленький "умный" комментарий был готов обрушить на вас, может быть, вы провели свой гребаный язык. Но вы не могли бы Вы не сделали, и теперь вы платите цену, вы проклятый идиот. Буду дерьмо ярости всем вам, и вы будете тонуть в нем. Ты чертовски мертв, детка.
- Lucifer: Now, that's not exactly true! Joining me tonight to explain why is doctor Hamish Amir.
- Hamish: Я бушует гомосексуальные серийный убийца. Я несколько десятков мальчиков хранится в моем сканировать пространство. У меня есть трубка lubrecant в моем переднем кармане, что делает его похожим меня есть массивные эрекции. Подготовьте свой анус, потому что я не буду использовать его.
- Lucifer: You make several valid points, Hamish, but I fear that they are lost on most of our readers, who do not speak Communist.
- Hamish: Why don't I just speak Capitalist???
- Lucifer: That's a very valid question, Hamish.
- Hamish: Better yet, why don't I serve my role as a one-shot and give you this revelation? You're suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder from your encounter with Vapula. That is why you are in the newsman's seat once again! This would-be recurring joke must be stopped immediately!
- Lucifer: What does that mean?!
- Lilith: Enough!
Lilith has been reduced to a mere skeleton. She carries with her a wheelbarrow full of-
- Lucifer: POTATOES?!
- Lilith: Indeed. You shall be the one to reconstruct me, Lucifer! As punishment for your incompetence and my banishment from Heaven, you shall also do it as you are being... VIOLATED!!!
Tentacles of green slime ooze from cracks in the walls, wrapping themselves around Lucifer's legs and proceeding to enter his pants.
- Lucifer: Noo! No... Oh...!
- Lilith: Do you feel the violation?! DO YOU FEEL THE ANAL PENETRATION??!!
- Lucifer: Haaa... Lilith... Stop... Please...
Lucifer half-heartedly masks his pleasure and proceeds to reconstruct Lilith's skin. Once he is finished, she resembles a colorful mosaic of potato skins.
- Lilith: And now, since I have my skin back... I SHALL RAPE YOU MYSELF!!!
- Lucifer: Finally... I've waited so long! Sodomize me with the boom pole! I won't resist!
Just as Lucifer's deviant fantasies are about to be fulfilled, he awakens to an unhappy Lilith slapping him across the face.
- Lilith: Six... In the goddamn morning... And you're in here moaning and SCREAMING about something... If I didn't have to face Hell... You wouldn't be here... Go back to sleep, or I'll beat you unconscious! Understood?!
- Lucifer: Yeah... I hate it when good dreams end and I wake up all depressed... *Sigh*...
-Who Will Save the Sane?-
Embryonic serval way...
Psychotrophic porno fare...
But who will... save the sane?
Zombies just can't... change.
Now, roll on by, a fake beer in your eye, and think,
"Չէ որ տարօրինակ?"
But who will... save the sane?
Porn fiends just can't... change.
Now, lol on by, a fake queer in the sky, and think,
"वह अजीब नहीं है?"
Ensiferum's somber mind... Nevermind!
Unsurreal world made of felt... PS3!
Der Übermensch whoring with fried morphine junkies!
Along the way... Kill me... (Kill me...)
Tentative ambulance sticks... Bound for G!
And the psychiatrist thinks... Chew my floor!
Unmerciless leeway will take Mu away too slow!
But only if you can recite Grabogado's Law!
Along the way... (Along the way...) Kill me... (Kill me...)
But who will... save the sane?
Dead bees just can't... change.
Now, fall on by, a frank fear in your lie, and think,
"Czy to nie dziwne?"
Now, slide on by, a fake care in your words, and think,
"Wasn't this strange?"
Four hours later, Lilith sits in the kitchen drinking coffee, still angry at Lucifer for his sleep-talk. She is soon greeted by Alexandr, who attempts to cheer her up.
- Alexandr: Lucifer made you something special for breakfast!
Lilith is mildly surprised.
- Lilith: Let me guess. Surprise buttsecks?
Alexandr nods his head no.
- Lilith: Chocolate covered cunt?
- Lilith: Twenty-two babies?
Once again, no.
- Lilith: Eggs???
For the fourth time, no.
- Lilith: WELL WHAT THEN?!?!?
Alexandr pulls out a large plate, covered by a cloche. As he takes off the cloche, he exuberantly exclaims-
- Alexandr: PIZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Lilith does not approve of pizza for breakfast. She is unamused. Nevertheless, she puts on a fake smile and sarcastically compliments the effort.
- Lilith: Isn't that nice???
- Lilith: I'll be right back!
Lilith takes the cloche and marches to Lucifer's room. Finding him on his computer, she shoves the cloche onto his head and proceeds to beat it with a spoon, leaving Lucifer with a large headache.
- Lucifer: Ah! Ssss... Ah! I bake you a pizza, you do... what you just did?!?!?!
- Lilith: I don't feel like pizza, goddamn it!
She re-enters the kitchen, only to find Alexandr choking back laughter while eating the pizza.
- Lilith: What's so funny?!
- Alexandr: N-nothing, it's just-
Alexandr becomes the next to suffer Lilith's morning wrath. Unbeknownst to them, however, they are being observed...
- Lace: Conflict... This is perfect!
- Leather: So... I'm just curious, but did you even have a solid plan, dear sister?
Lace's smile fades. She has no idea what she'll do from here.
- Lace: Uh... Shit... It's not important! We'll think of something! It'll be random, like the rest of these stories! How's the demon coming?
- Leather: It's ready.
- Lace: Good... Legion!
- Legion: Yesss...?
- Lace: Your mission is to go to the Eastern Hemisphere and assimilate as many people as possible. When they come for you... We'll take it from there.
- Legion: Underssstood...
- Lace: Good luck.
- Leather: Goolack!
The shadowy figure embarks on his mission. Leather feels a sort of release as he leaves.
- Leather: Y'know, sister... We haven't... had fun in a while...
- Lace: And we won't be having any now. We have a job to do.
- Leather: But we won't need to do anything for a while... What do you say...? I feel... hungry...
Lace can't resist her sister's call. Leather's soft fingers slowly caress Lace's neck, sliding toward her chest.
- Lace: *huff* *huff* *huff*
Lace's heart is beating out of her chest, and she is sweating profusely. Her resistance finally collapses.
- Lace: Goddammit... I love you, Leather... I fucking LOVE YOU!!!
- Leather: You're wet...
- Lace: I'm wet... I'M WET!!! I haven't been wet in so long... FUCK ME!!!
- Leather: I'm always at your service, dear sister... Hee-hee-hee...
Thus, the sisters begin their raucous incest. Leather has always had a talent for luring her sister, but on Earth, in the absence of her beloved, the allure is strengthened all the more. Lace has never known such pleasure with anyone but Leather. Lace finally comes, and Leather's turn is just about to begin when-
- ???: Urg...
- Lace: Goddammit!!! Who is it?!
- Leather: A... Zombie?!
- Lace: !!! No... One of... "Them"!!!
- Leather: This... how could this happen?!
On the Skidbladnir...
- Alexandr: DEMON!!!
- Lucifer: Shut uuuuup...
- Lilith: What is it?
- Alexandr: Demons... Covering... The world...
- Lilith: Well what do they look like?! Catch your damn breath, Alex!
- Alexandr: THE WALKING DEAD!!!
- Lucifer: Uh-oh.
The Skidbladnir begins to shake.
- Alexandr: THEY'RE BRINGING US DOWN WITH THEIR DEMON MAGIC!!!
Lilith slaps Alexandr, having had quite enough of his panicked screaming.
- Lilith: Yeah, panicking is the answer to everything...
The Skidbladnir falls into the ocean, jarring all three of them into the ocean, but leaving their house and car unharmed.
- Lilith: It just occurred to me that we never even named that car... Of course, I want to get rid of it, but if we have to keep it, we might as well name it.
- Lucifer: I have the perfect idea: the Mózg Rozjebany! Because everyone will get a reference to a Polish meme!
- Lilith: ... Whatever. You bought it, you can name it.
They enter the car and get ready to fly toward the overran mainland.
- Lucifer: DANZAI!!!
A quarter of the way there...
- Lucifer: Hey, can we play my mix tape?
- Lilith: That depends. What's on it?
- Lucifer: Eighty-four tracks of SATANIC BLACK METAL!!!
- Lilith: Really, what is it? I don't want to listen to shit.
- Lucifer: It's something random I threw together yesterday. It's mostly metal with some weird Japanese dubstep thrown in for good measure.
- Lilith: Fine.
He plays one specific track, one that has become rather close to him.
- Song: I'm so happy, 'cause today I found my friends! They're in my head! I'm so ugly, that's okay 'cause so are you!
- Lucifer: I don't know why, but I always smile when I hear this. It makes me happy!
- Lilith: Yeah, it's actually good. I'm surprised, given your taste.
- Lucifer: Shit, you know I like this... You ought to, since you're the one who got me into it. It makes me think of when I met you. When we became friends.
- Lilith: (What are you talking about? Who ever said we were friends?)
The song ends, and Lucifer stops the music player. At this point, the coast of Britain is in sight.
- Lilith: Why did you stop it? I was actually liking it.
- Lucifer: You know, I've never been a normal angel. You weren't either. I hated angels. All of them. When I was young, I felt like there must have been something wrong with me. Not long before we got thrown down here, my mother told me the same thing. I have something wrong with me.
- Lilith: What was your first clue? Neither of us are "normal" because we won't give God the ego-stroking he so desires. We both have something wrong with us, according to him.
- Lucifer: Yeah, that's true... But I'm crazy. I'm really crazy. But I'm not that bad, am I? I mean, I can show compassion... I can still love...
- Lilith: (You love too much.)
- Lucifer: Anyway... I just felt like I had met someone I could relate to, you know? Who I was like, you know?
- Lilith: (You didn't.)
- Lucifer: I know this is just one of my sentimental moments here, but... You're special to me, you know?
- Lilith: ("You know? You know?? You know???" YES, I GET IT, YOU HAVE THE HOTS FOR ME, NOW SHUT UP!!!) ... Yeah. You won't let me forget it. Coast is in sight, let's move.
- Alexandr: RIGHT!!!
- Lucifer: Yup! (... God, Lilith, am I really such an open book with you?)
They land on the coast of Britain, and are immediately accosted by zombies.
- Alexandr: TIME TO DIE, DEMON FILTH!!!
- Lucifer: Pierdol siebie, zły neurotyczne katolików!!!
- Lilith: I'm guessing that this part will be all about-
- Lucifer: NO FUCKING SPOILERS!!!
They proceed to slaughter the zombies in the most creative ways one could imagine, with Lucifer taking the most joy out of the affair, a sociopathic smile plastered on his face. After slaughtering about 286 zombies, the coast is almost completely cleared. Lucifer stands atop a large rock, staring up at the red clouds in the sky, a look of triumph on his face.
- Lucifer: Hehehe! I love it, I love it, I love it, I LOVE IT!!!
- Lilith: Yeah, there's something wrong with you.
- Alexandr: How can you find such satisfaction in this nightmare?! That's unforgivable!
- Lucifer: Angels and humans... Every day, I'd watch Earth. Nothing but racists, fanatics, deviants, and WHORES! LOTS AND LOTS OF WHORES!!! The only difference between angels and humans is that angels are enslaved from birth, while humans willingly relinquish their freedom! They both deserve to die!
- Lilith: You and Alexandra really aren't that different...
Meanwhile, in the Demon Sister's abode...
- Lace: That thing... It won't die! I did everything! I cut its head off, cut its dick off, sodomized it with a knife, and completely drained it of blood, but it's still alive!
- Leather: That thing isn't like the other ones out there... They can't take that kind of punishment. Well, Legion isn't likely to succeed at this rate. Let's go and deal with this ourselves.
- Lace: Let me gag this bastard first. For interrupting our sexy time... I hope I made you suffer.
- Zombie: Mmmfff!!!
- Lace: Shut up.
Lace smacks the zombie in the head and kicks it into a nearby containment tube.
- Leather: Oh, fetch me a beer before we leave, sis.
- Lace: I'm not your damn-
- Leather: Shhh! Or... Do you need a little... incentive?
- Lace: Fuck you, Leather, you horny bitch!
Lilith, Lucifer, and Alexandr continue their journey to end the plague. They come across a small convoy of survivors.
- Alexandr: Someone has survived this nightmare after all! Please, hold back your psychopathic misanthropy, Lucifer!
- Lucifer: Living with the people I have would turn anyone into a misanthrope.
A red-haired, bespectacled, gun-wielding female leaps from the back of a truck.
- Female: Who are you? Foreigners who crossed the Channel? You don't look like you're from around here.
As Alexandr and Lilith explain, Lucifer's attention is drawn to the young woman's large breasts.
- Lucifer: Hah... I've seen enough fan service anime to know where this is going.
The girl catches him.
- Female: My face is up here, bastard! If you're just a bunch of perverts, I'll kill you all myself!
- Lucifer: Say huh...?
- Lilith: Shoot him in the heart. Angels can't survive losing their heart.
- Lucifer: There was probably a better time to reveal that somewhere in the future, but fuck it.
Another female exits a semi-trailer.
- Female: Calm down, Alice. He just appreciates the beauty of the female body, that's all. Hello, travelers. My name is Nami Kusakabe, and this is Alice Kawakita.
- Lucifer: I... have entered Heaven... The REAL Heaven... Full of beautiful girls...
Lucifer's perversion earns him yet another slap from Lilith. They join the convoy and drive to their safe house, after which Nami and Alice offer the trio a tour. Following the entry hall, a vast cafeteria awaits, which is nearly deserted.
- Lucifer: This place is deader than those zombies!
- Alice: That's because we don't have a ton of survivors here... It used to be a school, but then this shit happened. Now we're stuck here with a cook, Robin, and her little brother. I don't know where Robin and him are, but the cook's over there if you want something to eat.
Lucifer is intrigued, signalling Alexandr and Lilith to leave without him.
- Lilith: Have him fix us something too. I want a tomato sandwich.
- Alexandr: Prepare me some borscht, if you can!
Thus, the four proceed on their tour, leaving Lucifer to fill his belly. Walking to the counter, Lucifer is put off by an odd smell, which he fears may be the cook, or worse, the food. Nevertheless, he rings the bell to get the fat cook's attention.
- Lucifer: Give me this!
The cook turns around to face Lucifer. To the latter's surprise, the cook doesn't even appear human: his backside is where his head should be, and now that his gaze hits that other area, he notices nothing less than a head on his rear end, and an ugly one at that.
- Lucifer: ... Get back in my dreams, freakazoid. You don't belong in this world.
- Thing: What?
A question voiced not through his head, but through his backside, the cheeks fluttering all the while, as though he were breaking wind.
- Lucifer: What the hell, man? You're just... stupid...! Do you even have a name?!
- Thing: Cornholius Minimus. Sir Cornholius Minimus.
- Lucifer: ... And how are you still alive? Abortion is legal in Britain, if I recall correctly.
- Cornholius: I wasn't always like this... You ever heard of Margaret Thatcher? She was VERY into nuclear power, nuclear weapons... nuclear everything, you see. She was the Plutonium Blonde, you see. I worked at one of her power plants a long time ago. She shut down my coal mining business... I had no choice but to take her path. Otherwise, my lovely wife and child would be left to die. One day, I ate me a hamburger, you see? When I bit into it, I broke my teeth and swallowed that "patty" by accident. It turns out I actually swallowed pure uranium, you see? The next day, I woke up to see that my head had become an arse! And would you believe it, my real arse was gone, replaced by this little fuck!
- Fuck: Uhuhuhuuhuhuhuh...
- Cornholius: I call 'im Yukon...
- Lucifer: Yukon Cornholius.
- Cornholius: And you can imagine my families reaction... I got fired from me job too. I guess you could say... we lived in a Thatched Hut!
- Lucifer: ... That's... not bad? I guess?? Wait, I came here for food, not to hear a circus freak's life story. Give me my food! And make them a tomato sandwich and borscht!
- Cornholius: It'll take me a minute. Go get a shower in the meantime. You stink.
- Lucifer: (Says the literal asshead...)
Lucifer wanders through the meandering halls of the school. It is surprisingly well-kept, given the conditions, but the dim red light makes it seem as if the whole school is a darkroom. Eventually, Lucifer finds the shower, but the door is locked. Hearing muffled racket on the other side, Lucifer's curiosity is piqued. Finding a nearby ladder, he makes his way into the school's vents and finds his way over the shower, peeking at the occupants, who are none other than Robin and her Naruto-esque brother, the former of whom has just finished bathing.
- Lucifer: (Oh?)
- Robin: Ah, Relyt...
- Lucifer: (RELYT?! HAHAH, FUCKING RELYT?! SERIOUSLY?!?!)
- Relyt: I'm sorry! I... I didn't know!
Before Relyt can unlock the door and exit, Robin calls out to him.
- Robin: ... Why don't you take a quick bath with your sister? We used to do it all the time as kids...
- Relyt: !
- Lucifer: (OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!)
Sitting the reluctant (?) Relyt on a bucket, Robin bathes him an elder sibling would their infant sibling, leaving the humiliated Relyt averting his gaze from his sister. Eventually, Relyt's insistence on a lack of eye contact causes Robin to accidentally force her sizable breasts against his back, arousing him, something that he futilely tries to hide.
- Robin: Eh? What's wrong, Relyt? Getting hard at your big sis?
- Relyt: NO...
- Lucifer: (Kee-hee-lee-hee... This is gettin' good...)
The two begin to tussle, with Robin tickling Relyt until...
- Relyt: GAAAAAAH!!!
... he urinates in Robin's face, which does little more than arouse her more. Meanwhile, the noise begins to reach the touring four.
- Alice: What's that commotion?
- Alexandr: Sounds like... *GASP* SOMEONE COULD BE IN TROUBLE!!!
- Nami: No, I'm sure it's-
- Alexandr: I'M SURE IT IS!!! LILITH!!!
- Lilith: I don't care.
Meanwhile still, the Demon Sisters are closing in on the safe house.
- Lace: Is this it?!
- Leather: Ought to be. You know, you really should relax. They're in a safe place, so they should have become complacent and relaxed. There's no need to stress, dear sister.
- Lace: I'LL RELAX WHEN THEY'RE DEAD!!!
- Leather: *Sigh*... She never changes...
The commotion reaches the cafeteria, but it does little more than tell Cornholius that his patron is killing himself. Having finished his edible (?) thing, he goes to the shower and unlocks the door.
- Cornholius: Alright, alright! Here's your-
Cornholius stops himself to marvel at the sight before him. In less than five minutes, the two have strewn feces and urine all across the floor of the shower, with they themselves having furious anal sex in the middle of the room.
- Lucifer: (Wait, how can Cornholius see? Wouldn't it be Yukon???)
- Cornholius: Aye, I got me some eyes on me ass, son!
Cornholius' pores open, revealing the beady little eyes that lie beneath. The livid Cornholius waltzes up to the siblings and smacks Relyt with his fat hands. The shocked siblings cannot bring themselves to speak.
- Cornholius: What's wrong with you?! Fucking your dear sister in the middle of your own filth like a pig! Woe unto Britain! With amoral young 'uns like you filling its streets, it's no wonder the Empire died! What do you have to say for yourself?!
- Relyt: SHE STARTED IT!!!
Cornholius slowly turns his "head" to Robin.
- Robin: HE'S LYING!!!
- Cornholius: Boys don't lie... You know what transgressions like this get ya 'round here?
- Lucifer: (He wouldn't...)
But he would, and he does. Cornholius spreads his cheeks wide, unveiling the horrible, hairy interior, the cavernous anus dominating the scene.
- Cornholius: With the help of Robin's throbbing flesh, there'll be a bit more joy this Hell-iday!
Teeth burst forth from the formerly featureless flesh at the rim of Cornholius' cheeks, and he wraps his hungry buttocks around Robin's upper body, proceeding to swallow her whole.
- Lucifer: Fuck, why'd you have to ruin my show, man?! I was almost through beating off too!
Cornholius turns around and nonchalantly presents Lucifer with his thing.
- Cornholius: Here ya go.
- Lucifer: ... Keep it! I've lost my appetite!
Lucifer's rejection of his work leaves Cornholius depressed. Meanwhile, Relyt flees the room, and Lucifer meets Alexandr, Lilith, Alice, and Nami.
- Alexandr: WHERE'S THE TROUBLE!?!?!
- Lucifer: Nowhere. We're leaving.
- Lilith: Why?
- Lucifer: What, do you want to stay? Cause I'll do what you want, Lily! ♥
The three leave through the front just as soon as the Demon Sisters enter through the back.
- Nami: Well, now it's just the three of us. One male, two females... Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Alice?
- Alice: You want me to have a threesome with you and a morbidly obese freak of nature? How about no.
Alice walks out as well, leaving Nami alone in the school. Lace sneaks up behind her and puts her in a chokehold, knocking her out within seconds.
- Leather: You could have asked her where they were, you know.
- Lace: I knew that! I just don't need her help! I'm a genius, after all!
Wandering the halls of the school, they eventually come across Cornholius outside the shower room. Initially ignoring him, Lace's interest is piqued after seeing something in his hand.
- Lace: Hey! Give me that sandwich!
Cornholius becomes irritated at her demand.
- Lace: HEY, PAL!!! I SAID GIVE ME THAT SANDWICH!!!
- Leather: Just give her the sandwich...
Cornholius turns to face the sisters.
- Cornholius: You know, the problem is... this ain't a sandwich!
- Leather: It looks like a sandwich.
- Lace: Well then what is it?!
- Cornholius: It's a... DEATHBURGER!!!
The sisters exchange glances in confusion.
- Cornholius: Butter! Cream cheese! Ham! Mettwurst! Smoked cheese! Mixed pickles in a tube! Chocolate biscuits! Beef! Meat rolls with cheese filling! A pop tart! A chocolate banana! Some ketchup! All steaming between two succulent sesame seed buns! 'Tis the work of a true culinary genius, you filthy harlots!
At the Demon Sisters' abode, the imprisoned zombie thrashes about violently, desperately attempting to escape containment. Gagged and mangled, its efforts are futile. Suddenly, a deep, intimidating, yet fearful, voice resonates through the halls.
- ???: This was all determined... Predetermined by the government, you see... By the... By the...
The zombie turns its head toward the voice.
- ???: ILLUMINATI!!! You're just a product... no, a PAWN!!! A PAWN IN THE GAME!!!
The voice comes from-
- Lace: ASHTORETH!!!
- Ashtoreth: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
- Lace: Ashtoreth, answer me!
Ashtoreth fumbles with his mobile phone before finally answering.
- Ashtoreth: YES, MA'AM!!!
- Lace: I need you to get over to England now! This bitch-nigga won't give me his sandwich!
- Cornholius: It's not... a sandwich...
- Lace: GIVE ME THAT SANDWICH!!!
With that, the line goes dead, leaving an acutely bemused Ashtoreth staring into space, the zombie staring at him. Eventually, he comes to, accidentally throwing his phone at the zombie's containment tube, breaking it. Unconcerned, he rushes to his masters' aid, leaving the zombie to wriggle out of the tube, cutting itself on broken glass, and eventually remove its gag.
- Zombie: *Patoof* Rrrgh, bloody women! Can't do nothing like they're s'posed too!
Meanwhile, Lace continues pressuring Cornholius to give up his precious work. He cowers in a corner, desperately attempting to tune out her voice.
- Lace: I'm gonna say it one more time, assface. GIVE ME THAT SANDWICH!!!
- Leather: Si-
- Lace: SHUT UP!!! If you're going to do something, wring this sandwich out of his hands!
- Leather: *Sigh*...
Cornholius begins to crack, with Yukon cackling all the while.
- Cornholius: *Deep breath* Daddy, mum... Orangutan... Why you swear? Why you swear? Nasty face... orangutan... I don't care... I don't care... Nothing you can say will hurt me, Mister Orangutan... Not even your evil stare... So stop swearing. It's only making you look rude... And everybody's judging you. So just stop it. Stop it! ... Nasty demon-girl...
- Yukon: Uhuhauhaofhoabnoeoihgoeabvohbaoibogiheg!!!
Cornholius rises to his feet and opens his cheeks wide, leaving the Sisters' mouths agape in awe.
- Leather: Woo...
- Lace: It... IT'S INFINITE!!!
- Yukon: Uhuhuhbiohoghbeaohoeheobhitsjustsodelightfullyjollyandentertaining!!!
- Cornholius: Now you'll live in a Thatched Hut!
Cornholius begins his pursuit of the Demon Sisters. Meanwhile, Lilith, Lucifer, and Alexandr are searching for the perpetrator of the zombie apocalypse in the Mózg Rozjebany.
- Lucifer: Hey, let me drive!
- Lilith: No.
- Alexandr: Oh come now, Lilith, he hasn't driven this thing once since he got it! Show some sympathy!
- Lilith: Because God knows that not being able to drive a shitty vehicle is such a plight...
Lilith concedes, and Lucifer gets in the driver's seat. Riding along the highways of Britain, Lilith becomes irritated by one niggling problem.
- Lilith: Come on, Lucifer, you can go faster.
- Lucifer: M'kay.
Lucifer presses his big toe down on the pedal ever so slightly, and the speed increase is impossible to notice.
- Lilith: Dammit, Lucifer, you're going twenty-five in a fifty-five zone! Gas it!
- Lucifer: Okay, Jesus!
Once again, the speed increase is negligible.
- Lilith: DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!
Lucifer jams his foot on the gas, sending them over seventy miles per hour and nearly knocking Alexandr out of the vehicle.
- Lilith: Give me the wheel, shithead, give me the wheel!
- Lucifer: I can do this! I CAN DO THIS!
Spying an encampment of zombies ahead, Lilith becomes panicked, attempting to force Lucifer's foot of the pedal.
- Lilith: WE CAN'T RUN THROUGH THAT!!! STOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!
- Alexandr: IT'S TOO LATE TO STOP!!! YOLO!!!!!!
- Lucifer: OLYO!!!
- Lilith: IT'S NOT TOO LATE!!! TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE GAS, YOU STUPID TWAT-SUCKER!!!
- Lucifer: ONII-CHAN LOVES YOUR ORIFICE!!!
It is indeed too late. Lilith closes her eyes as they crash into the encampment, sending the undead flying in every direction. Miraculously, the Mózg Rozjebany doesn't crash, and Lucifer eventually takes his foot off the gas. Opening her eyes, Lilith is shocked by what she sees.
- Lilith: We didn't crash...? You did it......?
- Alexandr: OLYO...?
Lucifer's visage is locked in his point-of-impact expression: eyes wide, mouth agape, and tongue waggling.
- Lucifer: Did I do it?
- Lilith: YES, YOU DID IT!!!
Lilith nearly embraces Lucifer, but she stops herself from doing so.
- Lilith: Yes, you did it. Good for you. I could have done it better, though...
- Lucifer: (Wait... She almost... hugged me...? Oohh... SHE wants the L!)
With the encampment past them, the trio drive a ways ahead, encountering a long, desolate country road.
- Alexandr: Lily, Luci, if you would be so kind as to listen... I have an idea. I believe that, in order to find the perpetrator of this plague, we must split up at this point. I have a hunch that this villain will be more likely to show his cowardly self if we all act alone.
- Lilith: Your sound logic is nothing short of genius, Alex! I never would have guessed that we should split up! So what, we're all going it alone???
- Alexandr: No, I believe you two should go together. I'll go prowl the countryside while you handle the road. Let's hop!
Lilith's sarcasm flew over the dancing bear's head. Dumbfounded, her expression remains frozen from sheer shock at his ignorance.
- Lilith: (FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! WHAT THE HELL???!!!)
- Lucifer: He clearly hasn't learned from his tragic buttrape... How sad...
Thus, Alexandr disembarks, leaving the two fallen angels to patrol the countryside with no one's company but each other's. Lucifer tries to keep the atmosphere light with idle chatter.
- Lucifer: Lilith, if you were a Shinigami, what would your reiatsu look like?
- Lilith: *Sigh* Must we? Fine, but you go first. I want to know what your reiatsu would look like before I say anything.
- Lucifer: All black.
- Lilith: ... That's it?
- Lucifer: Simple things content simple minds, Lilith. Now's your turn! ♥
Lilith thinks for a moment.
- Lilith: Hm... Cold. Silver with a black border. It would reek of melancholy... And what emotions could yours possibly possess? You're much too shallow... I bet your reiatsu wouldn't even have emotions.
- Lucifer: Of course it would. It would reek of madness, its stench reaching to high Heaven! And mayonnaise. It would also reek of mayonnaise, a tub full of ranch dressing, and crane shit!
Lucifer's own stupidity makes him laugh, irritating Lilith in the process.
- Lucifer: Hahahaha, CRANE SHIT!!! LIKE RAISINS FALLING FROM THE SKY!!! CRANE SHIT!!! AHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!
Lilith slams her fist into one of Lucifer's ribs, breaking it.
- Lilith: Do you amuse yourself, Lucifer...? You don't amuse me.
- Lucifer: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- Lilith: You make me sick... It's no wonder I don't like you. You're decent one minute, then the next you're dumber than shit on the sea floor.
- Lucifer: What can I say? I'm slow-minded. I make mistakes. I'm just trying to entertain, Lilith. If it were up to me, you would be happy, you know. I care about your happiness.
- Lilith: No you don't! You dragged me into this! YOU'RE what's wrong with me! Jesus-Fucking-Christ, I remember when you said some stupid shit like... uh... "It would devastate me if you took your own life..." FUCK!!! Kebert won't make me kill myself, YOU will, PRICK!!!
- Lucifer: Where is all of this coming from? I mean, I might have been out of line saying that, but I don't see how that pertains to our current predicament.
- Lilith: Oh, like you're REALLY that stupid... You loved me from the moment you saw me. You bugged the shit out of me. I tell you about Kebert, you go into full panic mode, sticking your little head into my life every day like some kind of stalker...
- Lucifer: Well excuse me. I wanted to keep in contact with you. I know I've been stup-
- Lilith: I DON'T NEED YOUR FRIENDSHIP AND I DON'T EVEN WANT YOUR CONTACT!!!
Lucifer, tired of simply enduring, smiles as he prepares to fight fire with fire.
- Lucifer: That's funny, if you don't want my contact, why were you bitching about how some asshole wouldn't keep contact on your blog when I stopped talking to you for a month?
- Lilith: It wasn't you!
- Lucifer: I ain't that stupid, Lilith! I could plainly see that nothing at all had changed in your life except for that! I was the only "stupid little shit who cut off contact for fuck knows what"! Why are you like that, anyway?!
- Lilith: You ass! My friends...
- Lucifer: Your friends...?
- Lilith: Guh... It was a long time ago! I can't remember anything clearly! Just shut up and drive!
- Lucifer: You're all red-faced now, Lilith! ♥
Lucifer's remark earns him yet another punch in the side.
- Lilith: Besides, I told you... I have Kebert! He-
- Lucifer: "Hurr-durr, h3 luvs m3, h3 just w0n't adm1t 1t!" Please. You told me once that it was the way he LOOKED at you that told you he loved you. For fuck's sake, Lilith, you need to let him go! When you're relying on something as stupid as that to determine someone's feelings - or lack thereof - for you, then your chances are pretty much sunk.
Lilith lapses into silence, tucking her head in her knees.
- Lilith: So if I can't be with him, you're my only option? You don't view that as a bleak prospect, Lucifer? How arrogant...
- Lucifer: ("Arrogant" indeed... I fucking hate it when you're like this. We get chummy and then you go all tsundere on me. It fucking works on my nerves...)
Looking in the side mirror, Lucifer sees just how red his face has gotten from arguing with Lilith, the revelation of his abnormally high body heat accompanying it.
- Lucifer: (Goddammit, I hate arguing with you... Why do you have to be such a bitch?)
The hapless pair continue driving, too absorbed within themselves to focus on the mission at hand. With this in mind, Alexandr's idea was certainly genius, as it allowed him to dodge a bullet in dealing with the two's bickering. Indeed, his search has fared little better, but his mood has soared head and shoulders above the ever-antagonistic pair of fallen angels. Bashing zombies with a gung-ho attitude, he finds himself hopelessly lost in the British countryside, having wondered far from the road, with the tall grass making it nearly impossible to find it again.
- Alexandr: Well, this is an unpleasant twist... Hm?!
Hearing rustling in the nearby foliage, Alexandr braces for a zombie, but what he gets is far different, and hardly preferable.
- Ashtoreth: ...
- Alexandr: ...?!
- Ashtoreth: You're one of them?
- Alexandr: Who wants to know?!
- Ashtoreth: I want to know, you Commie bastard.
- Alexandr: ... I'm not telling you nothing about nothing, Dogman!
- Ashtoreth: ... That's not good. That's very very very very very very very very very very very very ungood, Commie. Tell me, do you have... ass?
- Alexandr: No...
Vivid memories of his rape at Vapula's hands flood Alexandr's mind. The memory of the trauma nearly brings him to tears.
- Ashtoreth: So you don't have an ass? How do you shit? Do you have a cloaca or something?
- Alexandr: No... I have a booty...
- Ashtoreth: Yes... that's good. That's cute too. That's-
- Alexandr: And my booty is MINE!!! NO ONE ELSE'S!!! Take your sinful sodomy elsewhere, you bi-curious beast of man! I am a man of God, and I will have no man-beast's pee-pee in my boo-boo!
- Ashtoreth: Oh, I'm not gay. You know that gays were created by the Illuminati, right? Most of the Illuminati is gay.
- Alexandr: Conspiracy theories?! No... Must... fight... right-wing... instincts...
- Ashtoreth: It's true. Obama's gay, Bush was gay, Queen Lizzy is gay, John Paul II was ULTRA gay...
- Alexandr: Wait... who was gay again?
- Ashtoreth: Which one?
- Alexandr: YOU KNOW WHICH ONE, SO SPIT IT OUT!!!
- Ashtoreth: John Paul II?
- Alexandr: You... I will not tolerate the slander of the great Karol Wojtyła, Jan Pawel II, he who heightened the stature of the Poles in the international community! Indeed, his tenure as Pope was not without failures, but he was a fantastic PERSON, and I would go so far as to say that he IS Poland! And to top it all off, he shares a birthday with our beloved author! Praise be to him!
- Ashtoreth: You're simply mind-numbing... Don't you realize that the Pope is the Vicar of HELL ITSELF?! LITTLE BOYS SUCKED HIM OFF, DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY!!!
- Leather: Isn't it a little much to say that John Paul II IS Poland?
- Alexandr: Voices in my head?! That won't stop me! Have at thee, demon!
- Ashtoreth: SHUT UP!!! I must listen to Master Leather!
- Leather: I mean, what does that mean? That Poland hates fags? That you can't have contraception or abortion in Poland? That most Poles are zealously religious 'tards? I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like a good thing to me. I wouldn't want to live there...
- Ashtoreth: Your uninformed conjecture aside, milady, what is it that you require from me?
- Leather: Oh, yes, we're headed in your direction. I fear we have a nuisance on our tail. My dear Lace sim-
- Lace: YOU'D BETTER HAVE SOMETHING UP YOUR SLEEVE, ASH, OR I'LL ANALFIST YOU WITH A BLADED GLOVE TONIGHT, GOT IT?!?!
- Ashtoreth: YES, MA'AM!!!
Ignoring Alexandr, Ashtoreth immediately begins brainstorming, only to see his masters' distinctive silhouettes in the distance, a large, humanoid thing dogging their heels.
- Ashtoreth: NOOOOOOOOO!!! HOW CAN I HELP WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO THINK?!?!
- Alexandr: What is that... thing?!
- Leather: We'll live!
- Lace: DO SOMETHING!!!
- Cornholius: MY ANUS, IT HUNGERS!!!
Not far away, Lilith & Lucifer continue their aimless wandering, going in circles time and time again, a fact unnoticed by the melancholy couple. Lucifer attempts to shoo the argument from his mind by thinking of his favorite thing.
- Lucifer: (Ebi, ebi, ebi, ebi, ebi! The invader will cum in Based Ika's sweet loli butt... I will cum in Based Ika's sweet, innocent, loli butt...)
Try as he might, however, Lucifer cannot pry his thoughts from the solemn being that is Lilith sitting next to him.
- Lucifer: (Hm... I need to make her feel better somehow... But how? HOW?! Damn it all... It's times like these that I wish I had some sort of being that would do the thinking for me!)
- ???: Do not fear, loathsome foreigner, I will assist you!
- Lucifer: WHO SAID THAT?!!?
No less than Eddie himself. This is England, after all. Floating down on a flying carpet, Eddie the Genie flashes the horns in Lucifer's gleaming face.
- Lucifer: EDDIE THE HEAD?!?!
- Eddie: Who else?! Now... I need you to think for me, Lucifer!
Eddie opens a large cabinet containing an infinite number of songs from an infinite number of artists from timelines spread across infinity.
- Eddie: You can only choose one, Lucifer. Choose wisely, for your choice could either salvage your beloved from the depths of minor depression... or send her further down the spiral. Make haste, for we haven't much time!
- Lucifer: (What do I choose? I know what she likes... Hard, heavy, dark, and powerful! Their frontmen must be men among men, shaggy-maned lions fighting for dominance of the wide open plains, romancing many, siring many, but fathering none! They must be strong, willful, attractive in every way a man could possibly be! And SING! They must be able to sing! No aid should be needed with their naturally talented voice, brimming with range and strength, inspiring nothing short of awe! I know what I must choose! There is only one band with ALL these qualities wrapped up in one volatile bundle of heavy metal masculinity!)
Lucifer points his finger at his choice, and Eddie gives it to him before departing, flipping him off as he does.
- Lucifer: Don't worry, Lilith, I'll save you from depression!
- Lilith: You will...?
- Lucifer: You know it!
Lucifer inserts the disc into the Mózg Rozjebany's stereo and turns the volume as high as it will go.
- Lucifer: ...
- Lilith: ...
- Lucifer: ... Uh...
Lilith leans back on the seat and shoots Lucifer an ugly look.
- Lilith: You know...
She shuts the stereo off and ejects the disk before throwing it in the path of the Mózg Rozjebany's tires.
- Lilith: ... you did get me out of my minor depression. You did what you did best, Lucifer.
- Lucifer: I did? (Okay... Just roll with it...)
- Lilith: You pissed me off, as always.
- Lucifer: Ohhhh, right...
- Lilith: So you know what that means?
Lucifer braces himself for a well-deserved punch, but it never comes.
- Lilith: Pull over.
Lilith picks up the largest fragment of the shattered disc and gets back in the Mózg Rozjebany.
- Lucifer: What are you-
- Lilith: Drive.
Lucifer shrugs his shoulders and does as he's told.
- Lucifer: (I don't get you, I never got you, and I don't think I ever will. You're a fucking freak... You're just like me, and you don't even know it...)
Driving back to where they came, they see what appears be two large, misshapen snakes fluttering about in the distance.
- Lilith: I'm guessing Alexandr found what he was looking for.
- Lucifer: Yeah, and we got to spend such wondrous quality time together. ♥ Wait... Are those things Cornholius' butt cheeks?
- Ashtoreth: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! LOOK AT WHAT THE NEW WORLD ORDER HAS CREATED!!! A MAN WITH HIS BOTTOM ON HIS TOP!!! THE WORLD HAS GONE INSANE!!! PRAISE JACK HYLES, THE ONLY TRUE AMERICAN!!!
- Lace: SHUT UP AND DO SOMETHING!!!
- Cornholius: Are you with the demon girls, Dogman??
Cornholius' question goes unanswered as the two continue to scream over each other.
- Lace: WHY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?! YOU'RE OUR BODYGUARD, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!! YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR JOB!!!
- Ashtoreth: YES I AM!!!!!!
Cornholius takes his shout as an affirmation.
- Ashtoreth: YOUR BODIES ARE GUARDED!!! I AM DOING MY JOB, MILADY!!! YOU SHOULD-
- Cornholius: So you are part of the sandwich-stealing demon brigade...
- Ashtoreth: Huh???
- Cornholius: You want my masterpiece for your own greedy belly... It's unacceptable, lad. I made this for a customer, and it shall be consumed by that customer and no one else!
- Ashtoreth: I don't-
- Lace: Your sandwich is shit! Why don't you shove that inedible garbage back in your ass!
Lace wears her own trollface as she waits for Cornholius to break down at her feet. Instead, Cornholius' many eyes, along with Yukon, glare at her menacingly.
- Yukon: Uhuhuhuhuhuhhuhurfukedkid...
- Cornholius: Oh, so that's the way you wanna play, eh? Lemme ask ya somefin'... What's yer name?
- Lace: Lace Gremory, heir apparent of the House of Gremory! My family is very highly regarded by Satan himself!!
- Cornholius: Good to know, Miss Lace. Say, have you ever tried coprophagia?
- Lace: No, I have not, you worthless faggot.
Cornholius' "face" gleams.
- Cornholius: Would you like to?
When Lace opens her mouth, Cornholius shoots a large log of feces into her mouth, which lodges in her throat.
- Lace: ?! (He didn't... Did he just...?)
- Leather: Oh ho!
- Cornholius: I did. That's a solid type 3 on the Bristol stool scale. It ain't comin' out any time soon.
- Alexandr: You... Wait, I know you!
- Cornholius: Oh, you. I never gave you your borscht. Do come back to the school later. My borscht is the best in England, and I'd hate for you to miss out.
- Lucifer: UHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHU MELTING PLASTIC!!!
- Lilith: Shut up...
- Alexandr: Lilith, Lucifer!
- Leather: Dear sister, you might wish to extricate that turd from your windpipe quickly. I fear our true quarry has arrived.
- Lace: (I'M WELL AWARE, YOU STUPID BITCH!!!)
Lace struggles to hawk the excrement out of her throat.
- Cornholius: I told ya, lass, that thing ain't comin' out any time soon.
- Lace: (You'd like to think so...)
Lace hesitantly tears open her windpipe and picks the log out, tossing it at Cornholius' feet afterwards.
- Cornholius: ...
- Lace: You made me tear myself open... Now I get to tear you open, mate.
- ???: STOP!!!
A shadowy figure appears on a nearby hill.
- Ashtoreth: ANOTHER PAWN IN THE GAME!!!
- Lilith: It's just another zombie!
- ???: False! I am the one and only... LEGION!
- Lace: LEGION?! Bullshit! You're that zombie that-
- Leather: That ground our delicate gears! You really must be more careful with what you reveal in public, dear sister!
- Lace: Grgh... I know... Thanks for the save, Leather.
- Legion: Indeed, I am the zombie you imprisoned in the heat of your passion and frustration.
- Lucifer: You look pretty damn unremarkable. What makes you so great? Why should we listen to anything you have to say?
- Legion: UNREMARKABLE?! I'll have you know that I and I alone am responsible for this apocalyptic outbreak!
Lilith and Lucifer gaze into the idiot demon's eyes, utterly dimfaddled at the fact that he just plainly and clearly identified himself as their quarry.
- Lace: You... You did this?
- Legion: Yes! I thought you knew!
- Leather: We didn't.
- Legion: What...?
- Lace: Neither of us did.
- Ashtoreth: And how was I to know??? They never tell me anything...
- Lucifer: A touch incompetent, eh, Lilith?
- Lilith: You're one to talk.
- Legion: Well... Even if you didn't know, we're here, and we're ready. I have control of all the beings that ever walked the face of the earth... I have awakened the past, the greatest force there is! We cannot lose!
- Leather: He's right.
- Lace: He's right...? I mean, yeah! Of course he's right! Let's see you beat back the Nazis and the armies of Genghis Khan!
- Ashtoreth: Quite! And once we're through... You and I have a date, Commie.
- Alexandr: My booty... My booty, MY RULES!!!
- Lucifer: Bitch please...
- Legion: And what do you have, angel trash?!
- Alexandra: Please, we have nothing! But we've gotten by thus far, so how can you compete with our super awesome luck?!
- Lilith: You're awfully late.
- Alexandra: Hello, beloved Lilith! How are you today?? Seems the rumors are about that you wish I'd go away!
- Lilith: They aren't rumors. I do wish you'd go away. I really do.
- Alexandra: ;___________________________________________________;
- Legion: Dispense with the chatter or die, maggots! ZOMBIES, MARCH!!!
- Lace: (This is brilliant! We can just let the zombies overwhelm them! GOD, I'm such a GENIUS!!! Without even trying, I can make something so inconceivably EXCELLENT that it CAN'T possibly fail!)
The zombies shuffle ever so slowly towards their targets, tripping over their own feet and moaning as loudly and annoyingly as they can.
- Lace: !!!
- Leather: Great plan, sister. It's very evident that this was your well thought out, airtight plan that you spent thirty-eight sleepless days poring over, eager to release-
- Lace: GET THEM TO GO FASTER, LEGION!!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!! AT THIS RATE, THEY WON'T EVEN REACH THEM BY SUNDOWN!!!
Legion panics, fumbling his control of his already unwieldy undead army. As they roam aimlessly once again, Lace grows ever more impatient.
- Lace: If you don't-
Seeing Lace as she makes her way up the hill, Legion flees.
- Legion: I'LL BE BACK WITH SOMETHING, JUST HOLD ON!!!
- Lace: LEGION!!! GODDAMMIT, LEGION!!!
- Leather: Forget him. We can handle these three by ourselves.
- Ashtoreth: I fear the prospect, milady!
- Leather: Lose your fear. Just as Lace must lose her anger, you must lose your fear of the fight. Release your inhibitions. Feel the blood on your skin, smell the iron in the air, and live for the kill. That is your duty as a warrior, Ashtoreth.
Moved by Leather's words, Ashtoreth braces himself for battle.
- Leather: And in case that isn't enough... Remember, the prize for victory is... gay Russian buttsecks.
- Ashtoreth: How could I ever forget...
- Alexandra: Oh my God, HURRY UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!
- Lilith: Shouldn't we get rid of the zombies first?
- Lace: Yeah, shouldn't we think before we blunder off into a fight?
- Leather: And how do you two geniuses propose we do that? There's thousands of them shambling about everywhere.
Ashtoreth breaks his tense battle stance and strokes the bottom of his furry Chihuahua chin. Inspiration hits, and his face beams with pride. Most certainly, this idea will solve their problems faster and more efficiently than anything else.
- Ashtoreth: Wait just thirty seconds! I'll be right back! It's time to pay a visit to an old acquaintance!
Ashtoreth speeds off to the southeast, leaving a trail of dust in his wake. Thirty seconds pass, and sure enough, Ashtoreth returns with his genius solution.
- Ashtoreth: So, what do you think???
- Leather: Aha...
- Lace: How... How the FUCK IS HE GOING TO HELP US?!?!!?
- Leather: Calm down, dear sister, he might be on to something... Maybe...
- Ashtoreth: I am! This evil, rotten, dirty, sinful... perverted... IDOLATROUS... HATEFUL ILLUMINATI SCUM... *AHEM*... shall be our solution of the day!
- Leather: How so?
- Ashtoreth: Allow me to explain... A long time ago, I was on a trip to Argentina for my vacation. I happened across this fellow, still a fairly young chap at the time, and I noticed he was Catholic! So what did I do? I dragged him into the back alleys and sodomized him with my gigantic horse dick, leaving him with an enormous anus!
- Alexandra: How enormous was it???
- Ashtoreth: The biggest of any Pope!
- Francis: You needn't divulge such ugly details-
- Ashtoreth: SHUT UP, YOU MARY-WORSHIPING MAGGOT!!! Now for the reason I brought you here!
- Francis: Be gentle! *GUH*
Ashtoreth pries Francis' anus apart and punches him in the face, activating something unexpected: a powerful vacuum that sucks the zombies into his prodigious anus. Francis' girth increases bit by bit as Ashtoreth struggles to aim the struggling vacuum at the proper targets. Finally, the last zombie is removed from existence, and Ashtoreth places the now morbidly engorged Francis on his backside.
- Lace: It worked... Well then, what are we waiting for?
- Alexandra: Huhwhat???
Just before they can come to blows, Legion's voice is heard in the distance.
- Legion: I'VE GOT IT!!! I'VE GOT EVERYTHING I NEED!!!
An even larger army of zombies behind him, Legion stands grinning atop his little hill.
- Lace: YOU STUPID... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! WE WERE DOING FINE WITHOUT YOU!!! WHY DID YOU COME BACK???????
- Lilith: This is funny. We have to cut through so much bullshit before we can even fight...
- Lace: YOU SHUT UP!!!
- Legion: Wait! Just let me commence my... TRANSFORMATION!!!
Clasping his hands together, Legion summons a generic anime transformation scene that destroys his hill and leaves everyone positively dimfaddled. Once the requisite smoke clears, his true form is revealed.
- Legion: Behold... MY TRUE FORM!!! I am a giant mech made from the ghosts of ages long past... I am... LEGION!!! I DO NOT FORGIVE!!! I DO NOT FORGET!!! EXPECT MEEEEEEEE!!!
- Alexandra: Anonymous is GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
- Francis: You're just going to leave me here???
- Alexandra: Francis stole my POEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMS.
- Lilith: And you stole that line.
- Alexandra: INSPIRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATION is not STEALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING, Lilith, I was INSPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRED.
Thus, the final stage of the story is set. The two opposing forces brace themselves for impact. It's four demons against two fallen angels and a dancing bear. Who could win??? Someone is most certainly unconcerned.
- Francis: So, this is how it ends... It's been just a smidgen more than two months, and already my time is up... Ah well. I shall be but another pope in a long, ugly line to die a disgraceful death. My stances are the same. Atheists will still go to Heaven if they're good... GGGHKK!!!
An irritated Alexandra stomps upon Francis' chest. As the pope breaths his final breaths, Alexandra explains herself.
- Alexandra: You disgust me with your petty sympathy. We don't need your petty sympathy. You are worst pope, go back to Argentina.
- Lace: Best focus on the task at hand, id-
- Alexandra: ... I don't remember saying a goddamn thing to you, so why are you talking?
- Leather: Well, aren't you just the prettiest little princess?
- Lilith: Aren't you just the most thinly-veiled lesbo?
- Leather: Lesbo? Pfft, I like men and women. I don't discriminate.
- Lilith: Good for you. I don't believe I caught your name, by the way.
- Leather: Oh dear... My apologies, my dear sister and I were so caught up in the chase that we had no time for formalities... My name is Leather Gremory. My sister Lace is the heir to our noble house, graced by the words of Satan himself. The man-beast is our bodyguard, Ashtoreth.
- Lilith: So you're just another bunch of demons here to stir up shit?
- Leather: Oh, heavens, no. We're here for no other reason than to kill you and your little friend over there.
- Lilith: Lucifer's not my friend.
- Alexandr: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! YOU WON'T PIN ME DOWN!!!
Alexandr kicks Ashtoreth in the stomach repeatedly, but he won't budge.
- Ashtoreth: You're not as strong as you look, Commie. I always thought a bear could easily make a meal out of a Chihuahua... but I guess it's the other way around, hm? Shall I take the virgin meat I came here for?
Ashtoreth's horse-like penis slowly becomes erect in front of a petrified Alexandr. Fully erect, the penis is nearly half of Alexandr's own height.
- Alexandr: No... Not again...
- Ashtoreth: Oh, so you've experienced this before? That's a shame... Nyeh-heh... But it won't stop me... I'M THE DADDY NOW!!!
And with a grotesque, stomach-turning snap...
- Alexandr: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lilith and Alexandra continue their respective fights with the Demon Sisters while simultaneously avoiding Legion's assaults, a feat which Alexandra handles with flying colors, but one which frustrates Lilith to no end.
- Lilith: *Huff* *Huff* *Huff*
- Leather: Tell me, immoral angel, have you noticed something?
- Lilith: That this isn't a fair fight?!
- Leather: No. Do you see how well your friend is doing against my sister? My sister is in the same state you are right now. Do you see what I'm saying? Surely you aren't that thick.
- Lilith: Are you comparing me to her?!
- Leather: No, this is no mere comparison. It is far more significant. You fail to see the parallels between us. Lucifer parallels me, while you parallel Lace. Your performances are exactly the same. Do you know why you two are performing so poorly?
- Lilith: Because you both cheat!
- Leather: It's because you both underestimate your opponents. In this case, you also don't know your opponent. Lucifer knows you better than he knows himself, so it's only natural that he would perform so well against someone so similar to you. Likewise, Lace doesn't know me, so she is unlikely to fare well against someone similar to me. You both believe you know your significant other, believing them to be stupid and weak, hence your unshakable confidence, but when that faux knowledge is put to the test, you fail miserably. You had no chance in this fight, and neither did my beloved sister.
As Leather speaks, Lace has been beaten unconscious and tossed aside by Alexandra, who has turned her attention to Legion.
- Legion: L-LACE!!!
- Alexandra: Well, that was fun! We got some good period on the dance floor, after all!
Alexandra tauntingly licks Lace's blood off her fingers, angering Legion even more. Leather hoists her unfortunate sister upon her shoulder and prepares to leave.
- Lilith: GET BACK HERE!!! I'M NOT DEAD YET!!!
- Leather: Yes, you are. A whiny little brat that can barely fight is as good as dead to me. Don't worry, though... We'll see each other again. LEGION, I LEAVE YOU TO IT!!! ASHTORETH, PULL OUT AND COME ON!!! WE'RE THROUGH HERE!!!
- Ashtoreth: COMING!!! HUGUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHH!!!!!!
- Alexandr: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!!
Unleashing an enema of cum in Alexandr's anus, Ashtoreth spanks his battered rear end before shoving off with Leather.
- Ashtoreth: YOU SUCK, COMMIE!!! I'LL FINISH THE JOB NEXT TIME!!!
- Alexandr: DEMON GIRL!!! Y U NO HELP ME YET AGAIN?!?!?!!?
- Alexandra: Because... I like rape porn!
- Legion: This won't end well for you, you arrogant bitch! If you think you can cross the army of Satan and live, you are SORELY MISTAKEN!!!
- Alexandra: Lul, do you even lift, faggot? I have bigger arms than you, and I'm a giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl, hahahahahahahahaha!!!
Alexandra's petty insult enrages Legion further, and he throws a flurry of punches, destroying everything but their target. Slowly, Legion begins to tire.
- Alexandra: Is that all you've got??? SERIOUSLY?!?!?! You're just an unwanted fetus that survived abortion! It makes sense, seeing as how you're assembled from spare parts and all! D&E didn't work quite well enough on you, did it?
Retaliating, Alexandra blasts off Legion's body bit by bit, driving him into panic.
- Legion: (This shouldn't be happening... I know there were more zombies than this! I should be unstoppable! Wait...!)
Spotting Francis' bloated corpse, Legion grabs and absorbs it, noticeably without protest from Alexandra. As the pope's power courses through him, Legion prepares to deliver the first and only blow.
- Legion: NOT SO STRONG NOW, ARE WE?!?!? I'LL BLAST THAT SMIRK RIGH- ?!?!?! *CHOKE*
- Alexandra: Oh, I'm being smart instead of strong now, Lesion. Out of the reader's limited view, I charged Francis' corpse with the rancor of all the victims of the Catholic Church's fascism, pedophilia, and sexism. I only needed the rancor from the victims from the past half century. Any more and I would've blown up the entire world, which wouldn't have been a very pleasant feel for my delicate genitalia. So, in other words...
- Legion: You meddling-
- Lilith: Good God, do you have to make it so loud...?
- Alexandra: ... Ah... Eggs...
Reverting to Lucifer, he falls headfirst into the unyielding rocks below. After regenerating from the wound, Lucifer sees Lilith's wounds for the first time.
- Lucifer: What happened to you?
Lilith thinks of the rebuttal that could hurt him most.
- Lilith: You weren't there for me.
- Lucifer: Oh... Sorry. I can't be there when I'm in a coma.
- Lilith: (Shit...)
- Alexandr: You really don't remember anything at all?
- Lilith: We've been over this, there's no use in a retread. Let's go the fuck home so I can go the fuck to sleep.
- Lucifer: But what about him?
Cornholius stands staring at the setting sun.
- Cornholius: What about me? Oh, I believe the time has come for better things... Which is why I shall leave my family and the life I've built to pursue a career as an internationally renowned chef. I bid farewell to you and to Britain, lad & lass. But before I go... Here's your D- er... sandwich. Call it what you will. It's yours now. Maybe we'll meet again, maybe not. Goodbye, my friend.
Cornholius solemnly walks off to the shore while Lucifer eyes his cold thing intensely.
- Lucifer: You know what? I'm gonna eat it. What do you think, Lilith?
- Lilith: ...
Taking her silence as approval, Lucifer shoves the entire thing in his mouth, chewing what he can before swallowing it.
- Alexandr: Well?
- Lucifer: *Smack*... Uh... I don't know quite what to make of it...
- Lilith: Ahaha...
- Lucifer: What?
Looking at the seashore, Lucifer sees Cornholius has taken to the skies, using his butt cheeks as wings. The double rainbow and sunset reflecting off of the pure water (a rarity in Britain) complete the scene.
- Alexandr: It's beautiful...
- Lucifer: Schtelu, schtelu...
- ???: (Hey, buddies, check this out.)
- All: ???
- ???: (It's me, Yukon. He'd never tell anyone this, but I've just gotta before we go. In his alone time, he likes to lay down and try to bite off a piece of his testicles, but he never succeeds since he can't even find them. There lies my advantage. I can rustle his ass hair a little by doing this...)
Yukon tickles Cornholius' testicles, jiggling his fat enough to jar his mossy, hose-like penis out. Grabbing it, Yukon proceeds to put a scoop of ice cream in it.
- Cornholius: Yukon, what are you doing??? Yukon??? YUKON!!! Yukon, you know I don't like that!
- Yukon: (Watch this!)
Licking the ice cream out of Cornholius' penis, Yukon eventually hits his urethra, at which point Cornholius grows desperate.
- Cornholius: STOP IT!!!
- Yukon: Hanunmanua...
Yukon licks it as sensually as possible.
- Cornholius: STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP-
Finally, Yukon bites it with his jagged teeth and pulls as hard as he can, leaving deep, painful marks in Cornholius' penis.
- Cornholius: STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!
Cornholius grabs for Yukon, but his corpulence prevents him from reaching his backside. Focusing more on Yukon than flying, Cornholius drops into the ocean below, creating a brilliant shower with his splash.
- Lucifer: That was nice.
- Alexandr: Well, we've finished yet another mission today! Good show, eh? And through this adventure, we have discovered that... DEMON SISTERS HATE US!!!
- Lilith: Brilliant. I'm going home. Come on or get left behind, your choice.
On the way to the Mózg Rozjebany, Lucifer notices something distracting Alexandr.
- Lucifer: Come on, or you'll get raped by these fat British drag queens!
- Alexandr: Erm, coming! (There really is something disturbing about that... A trail of cum coming from my booty... And it feels so much bigger! It's strange! I even feel cleaner on the inside! I simply must find a... less degrading way of doing this...)
On the way back to the Skidbladnir, the trio make a little idle chitchat.
- Lucifer: Hm... I think I was wrong back there. They don't have all that "fun in the shower" stuff in Europe. They only have that in America, I believe.
- Alexandr: Why, that's preposterous! Prison rape exists in every country!
- Lucifer: Yes, but what other country starts unnecessary wars to eliminate the threat of nonexistent WMDs?
- Alexandr: Uh...
- Lucifer: What other country sends anti-gay priests to less developed countries to convince them to pass laws calling for homosexuality to be a capital crime?
- Alexandr: Um...
- Lucifer: What other country-
- Lilith: You've made your point...
That point is...
Finally, the trio arrives at home. Lilith immediately hops in bed, while Alexandr researches alternative enemas online. Lucifer cleans himself up and watches Catholic programming until morning. As expected, the channels are dominated by news of Pope Francis' violent passing, as well as questions as to who shall take his place. As the cardinals could not make a decision, it was decided that a public vote was necessary, and that the new pope would be sworn in later in the morning. Lilith wakes up at 8:00 and finds Lucifer and Alexandr going about their all-consuming pursuits. Lilith finds Lucifer's more interesting.
- Lilith: What's so great about this? They're just-
- Lucifer: Shh!!
Within minutes, the announcement is made. The new pope is...
- Lucifer: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww YEAH!!!
- Lilith: Who's Papa Emeritus?
- Lucifer: Ghost's singer! He tried to become pope last time, but he wasn't very viable, naturally...
- Lilith: Then why'd he win this time?
- Lucifer: It's easy... When you rigged the polls!
Noticing the boos and shouts that greet Emeritus, Lilith considers the plan a failure waiting to happen. In her opinion, the new pope will have less than a week before Catholic extremists lynch him. However, being in a good mood, she decides to refrain from voicing it, allowing Lucifer to revel in his enthusiasm like the pig he is.
- Lilith: *Sigh*... (I can let him have his fun, I guess. He's not the worst guy in Heaven...)
- Shiina: Evenin', bitches! My name... is Shiiiiiiina Inoue! After a solid five months of specials pushing us aside, we're finally here again! It wasn't easy doing nothing for all that time, but I'm finally in the spotlight I deserve, ready to grace you with my words and presence once again! We've added lots and lots of fun new stuff to make up for our disappointing first run, and we have an EVEN MORE SPECIAL than special guest tonight! SBSC!!! BIGGER... BETTER... FASTER... STRONGER... SBSC!!! IT MAKES YOU DRUNK!!!
- Intern: Wrong slogan...
- Shiina: Well, ignoring that little gaffe, let's get on with the show! Tonight, our special guest is a young man with flowing, ever-so-slightly curly brown hair, green eyes, respectable muscles, a handsome face, and a wit to boot! Please welcome...
- ???: ... Oh, were you expecting some hot guy after all that buildup? Sucks to be you then. It's just me, Tyler.
- Shiina: But the description is apt, milord! You're only the most beautiful and intelligent man in all of Mississippi!
- Tyler: Not really.
- Shiina: That (painfully false) introduction aside, I understand you celebrated your eighteenth birthday recently?
- Tyler: On the eighteenth of last month.
- Shiina: So what did you do? How did you celebrate your ascension into adulthood??
- Tyler: I ate a Mexican dinner.
- Shiina: ... Er, but that was only YOUR activity, right? What did your friends do?
- Tyler: I don't have any friends.
- Shiina: ... So you just ate a Mexican dinner and did NOTHING ELSE???
- Tyler: Basically.
- Shiina: WELL THEN, does it feel any different being a grown man now? You can vote, you can drink, you can smoke...
- Tyler: First, I could have smoked before, but I can purchase now. Second, I can vote, but I've already missed Randy Blythe's 2012 campaign, so what's the point? Finally, I have to be twenty-one, not eighteen, to drink.
- Shiina: So no champagne celebration, no pack-a-day smoking habits seeding, no girlfriend? OH, YES, surely you've had one in the past??????
- Tyler: Nope. I'm a virgin, like most people reading this.
- Shiina: ...
- Tyler: Are you frustrated?
- Shiina: And why would I be frustrated?!
- Tyler: I don't know. Why would you? You clearly are. Your face tells me a story, Shiina.
- Shiina: (Finally...) And there's the signal for the first of our soon-to-be classic INTERLUDE SECTIONS!!!
- Shiina: Yes, Song of the XXX!!! Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives!
- Intern: Wrong slogan again! Sorry!
- Shiina: That's strike two, idiot. Like a phoenix, Song of the Week rises again, engorged with radiant vim and vigor! Tonight, we bring you some of the best black metal to ever torch the ears of man! Burn churches and flay infants alive to this brutal kvltness, poorly-produced like REAL metal, and recorded in SURROUND 5.1!!!
- Shiina: Thus, Song of the XXX ends with a bang! Now back to the interview! So, Tyler, what goes on inside your mind?
- Tyler: Huh?
- Shiina: What makes you tick? What do you think about?? What are your aspirations, your desires, your dreams, man???
- Tyler: My dreams...? Well, last night, I had a dream that I was flicking through shotacon pornography on my expensive TV with some awesome Tiamat playing as menu music... Good times, good times. ♥
- Shiina: Those weren't-
- Tyler: But that was nothing compared to this other one! I dreamed that I was spraying mayonnaise and ranch dressing on a hot dog as big as I was before a flock of cranes came and defecated raisins on it... and then I ate it... and then I threw up... and then I woke up. Goood times, gooood times... ♥
- Shiina: You're mis-
- Tyler: Even better, I once had this wet dream where I was a wolf with an imp on my back stranded on a floating island that was as thin as paper! A bunch of dragons came out of the abyss and cut through the ground, but one got caught in this purplish-black smoke and transformed into this giant, FUCKING HIDEOUS beast-woman! And then she turned around and, would you believe it, there was this normal-sized morbidly obese man humping her anus! When he finished, he hopped off the island with an expression that said he was VERY content with himself, I shit you not!
- Shiina: ...
- Tyler: Just then, the scene cuts to her, now normal-sized, staring angrily at him as he sits naked in his luxury hotel before slapping him across the face like a bitch! But here's where it gets really freaky... Their daughter, who was standing there watching, says "You had sex???" and he's all like "Bitch, I wanna fuck!"... He drags her into bed, licking her face all the while... and she wets herself!
- Shiina: (Good God...)
- Tyler: And I just jizz my pants and wake up, and I'm like "Dafuq???"! Fucking crazy, Shiina, fucking crazy! And I fall asleep again after I change, and then this pink-haired dream chick says "You are the wind beneath my wings... ♥" and I cum all over myself again! What the hell, man?! I was jizzing everywhere that year, make no mistake, I probably would've came in my sister... but I don't have a sister.
- Shiina: ...... Oh, I'm sorry, were you finished? That was only the most mind-numbing shit I've ever had to sit through in my entire life, forgive me for not plucking my head out of the commode sooner, milord! Jesus... More to the point, I think you misunderstood what I was saying... but since we don't have much time left, I'll just move on.
- Tyler: K.
- Shiina: (Dat comeback.) Tyler, if I remember what you said only a few minutes ago correctly, you lack friends and you've never had a girlfriend. For me, that sounds like an unbearably lonely and miserable life. Tell me, how do you cope with such a life?
- Tyler: I don't need friends.
- Shiina: So I can infer that you don't need love, either?
- Tyler: No... I did love someone... but that was a long time ago. She's dead to me now.
- Shiina: ... That's callous, Tyler. Even for me, that's callous.
- Tyler: There are very few people who actually matter to me. I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the line, thought became more important than fact. Characters became more important than friends. Art became more important than life. Where once I would seek the attention and camaraderie of friends, I now would sit in a corner, playing music and eating cheese crackers, thinking unceasingly. There are very few that I allow into the world I've created. I have met someone else since that girl. I do love her. I love her immensely... But everything keeps me from her. Distance, emotions, other people... And she loves someone else... but he doesn't love her. Thus, given my inability and my lack of inclination to kill him, my only hope is to surpass him in every way in her eyes.
- Shiina: ... I don't like you.
- Tyler: You ain't the first.
- Shiina: That's just so fucking sappy... That reeks of some lonely bastard clinging to some thin, rotting shred of hope. It'll snap one day, you know.
- Tyler: No, I believe my feelings are shared by other men and women. I'm not the only one who feels this way.
- Shiina: ... And would you look at that, it's the end of the show. Sooo... I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE NEW STUFF IN THIS EPISODE, BITCHES!!! Our beloved creator made this segment nothing short of excruciating... but your lovely host saved the day once again! Be sure to leave lots and lots of comments praising the prodigy that is yours truly, and I'll see you next episode! It'll be a big 'un!
- Tyler: Allo, mine sons. What be up wit' dis new dank episode of Lilith & Lucifer wit' Korobeiniki?
- Lucifer: Perhaps David Icke was right. Perhaps we are ruled by reptiles in human guise.
- Lilith: Or perhaps David J. Stewart was right. Perhaps we are ruled by a massive conspiracy of Satanic banksters, politicians, and the Illuminati.
- Lilith & Lucifer: Or perhaps we rule ourselves. Perhaps our faults are our own. Perhaps we shape our own destinies. Perhaps our destinies are far out of the reach of God himself. We are God.
- Alexandra: Or maybe all is nothing! ♥ Next time on Lilith & Lucifer with Korobeiniki!!!
- Tyler: 'Tis dank, mine sons, you must read it.