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Lilith & Lucifer
with Korobeiniki
I Love All-Blacks!!


  • Lucifer: Hey... Hey... Hey... HEEY...
  • Lilith: What...?
  • Lucifer: Whatcha doin'?
  • Lilith: Stupid school...
  • Lucifer: C'mon... I wanna go to the bridge.
  • Lilith: ... (I can take a break...) Fine. I'll be there in a minute.
  • Lucifer: I'll be waiting!

Sure enough, Lucifer waits at the old, mossy bridge. As usual, he has brought his camera and an assortment of odd props.

  • Lilith: Dammit, Lucifer...
  • Lucifer: It's fun, Lilith! You know I can't take beautiful pictures without a beautiful model!
  • Lilith: Well I'm not beautiful...
  • Lucifer: Yes you are! What, are those bitches at your school getting to you? I'm good with a gun...
  • Lilith: Shut up...

Lilith unwraps a small sandwich that she brought along with her.

  • Lilith: Take some pictures of yourself for once! You don't need me!

An idea flies into Lucifer's head.

  • Lucifer: Why don't you take a few pictures of me???
  • Lilith: Uh...
  • Lucifer: It'll be fun!!
  • Lilith: ... M'kay. But only a few.

Lucifer waits for Lilith to get a feel for the camera, his arms bent in anticipation and his eyes piercing her psyche in eagerness. Unperturbed, Lilith braces the large camera on a tripod and signals Lucifer to get ready. He is already dressed up as a neko schoolgirl.

  • Lucifer: ... What?
  • Lilith: You pull that off a little too well.

They take more pictures than Lilith expected to take. One with the neko schoolgirl flashing his/her modest pantsu, one from the bridge, one from the road, and one in the river. By now, it's almost sunset. Lucifer, having abandoned his numerous costumes, readies to take the last picture of the day.

  • Lilith: No more cosplay?
  • Lucifer: No... I wanna do something special.
  • Lilith: What?

Lucifer grabs Lilith's hand and eagerly drags her to the now deserted main bridge; a massive, golden-red structure that gleams radiantly in the light. The sun is about to dip beneath the horizon.

  • Lilith: Dammit, Lucifer, at least let me get comfortable!
  • Lucifer: HURRY!!! WE'RE GONNA MISS IT!!!

Lucifer sets up the camera and takes his position by Lilith.

  • Lilith: What are you-
  • Lucifer: Shh! Smile! This'll be good! This was the perfect time! I couldn't miss this opportunity!

Five seconds until the flash.

  • Lucifer: (One year since I met her... I'm gonna do this right!)
  • Lilith: *Sigh*... (Bastard... Yet I still like him. Pfft... He's tolerable. He isn't utter shit. He's been good. He's nice. He's sweet to me. He likes me. I don't know what to think.)

One second til flash.

  • Lilith: (I had a decent year. Of course, it was still shit, but he didn't make it worse. He kind of made it better. And yet that bastard tries to hide his real self from me...)
  • Lucifer: (She excludes me... But... I'm still new to her! That must be it! But still... She...)
  • Lilith: (He...)
  • Lilith & Lucifer: (Hides from me...)

Quarter of a second til flash.

  • Lilith & Lucifer: (But I had a happy time with you.)

The smile comes just in time, and the camera flashes, leaving colors flashing in their vision. The sun set at the perfect time, appearing between them, the light gleaming off of the bridge and into the camera. The picture is essentially perfect. Lucifer feels triumphant, but Lilith's smile fades.

  • Lucifer: Hm? What's wrong?
  • Lilith: ... Nothing.

Lilith mopes back home, leaving Lucifer with a bitter feeling in his stomach. Take the reins, bastard. I've talked all day, and I'm sick of talking.

  • Lucifer: I don't understand her.

I light a cigarette, like she would...

  • Lucifer: She got me into smoking. I always hack like an asthmatic old man when I start one, but I calm down. I don't really know why I smoke. I just do. I'm just like her. In less than a year, I've transformed into Lilith. No one else has mattered for that year.

The cars begin to fly by me, making me thankful that I took the picture when I did.

  • Lucifer: I picked up my hatred from her. That sacred hate. The hate the crusaders and jihadis fought for. Or is it? I don't have a god... Anyway... I adopted her attitude. I noticed that she hated the world. I asked her why. She said that it was people. People are shit. Liars and idiots. It's us against the world. A world that hates people like us.

The sun begins to look like a tuscan heart as it fades into the horizon. Night will soon come. But my day has just begun.

  • Lucifer: I hate it here. Here, the malevolent Gods of old are dead. Unfortunately, the God of Art has died with them. In His place, the Modern Pantheon has come, ushering in a new era of mediocrity. Even my own parents watched these idiots spew their ugly vernacular with bated breath. It's celebrity. Being famous, rich, arrogant, and depraved. It's the new dream. Even our politicians are that way. Liars and cheats, operating in secrecy, spitting upon the promises they themselves made. An idol exists to these people. A phallic black obelisk in the very center of the city. It spews steam every hour on the hour. The squeal is almost deafening...

Naturally, it spits out its vapor right as I speak of it.

  • Lucifer: The idol of death. The death of those who matter. The death of the angels, the reign of the protozoa... Where our march was forward before, now we march backward.

...

  • Lucifer: ... Other than that, there isn't much to us. This place is small and stuffy. Everyone knows each other. Aside from being celebrity-worshiping sheeple, they're also drunks, though there aren't as many as there were a few years ago. I'm gonna get out of here one day. I hope Lilith will come with me. But... I don't even know-
  • Lilith & Lucifer: What s/he thinks of me.

Opening theme

-Yandere/Tsundere Pull\Push-

In the morning, I reflect on life.

The foolish man WON'T STAND BY!!!

In the life of crazy love!

The world of flagrant sympathy!

I don't ever know why...

The trail of youth and grief!

The rain of past mistakes, I can't get past!

There ain't that many more...

Oh, you see, you canned me on the bed...

Our machine died out!

I'm still alive, I'm still with you, I'm still insane...

The limo yodels evil tongues!

It never knows that YOU CAN NOT!!!

Command a wronged guy!

Suck the top, machine so cold!

I feel you, life...

The name of Hero Nine!

The world of compound fate, LOSE YOUR MIND!!!

Opines the sorry girl...

Don't forsake the sorrow at the dock!

I SLEEP AWAKE!!!

I hear your name, I feel your pain, I love your face...

I'm still alive, I'm still with you, I'm still insane...

The king of Holy Flight!

You think you see the light out there...

IT'S NOT RIGHT!!!

The madness of my mind...

It's in the light of beauty's truth!

I SEE EVERYTHING!!!

I'm not like you, I'm not like them, I can't be "it"!

I hear your name, I feel your pain, I love your face!

I'm still alive, I'm still with you, I'm still insane!

I'm not human, I'm not the one, I'm just your love!

I hate nothing, I love just you, I KNOW I'M RIGHT!!!


Thus, I take back the narrative reins. After wandering aimlessly through the city for three hours, Lucifer finally makes for his home at the southern end of town. Even though it's 2:38, Lucifer's family - his parents and his paternal grandfather - are still awake, stuck in a drunken argument. His father is holed up in his room, while his mother and grandfather are attempting to break his locked door down, having already attempted to unlock it with a fork. Lucifer takes a quick shower and gets dressed, locking his own door and attempting to go to sleep on his recliner. Unfortunately for him, his mother and grandfather have other plans.

  • Grandfather: How long have you been out, SON?!?!?!
  • Mother: I'm 'bout sick of this... this stay up late, sleep all day bullshit...!
  • Lucifer: (For fuck's sake, mom, did you drink half the damn bottle?)
  • Mother: Unlock this door, SON!
  • Lucifer: Piss off!
  • Mother: Unlock this door, SON!!!
  • Grandfather: UNLOCK THE MOTHERFUCKING DOOR!!!
  • Father: WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM?!?!?!?!?!?!

Having burst out of his room, father becomes the subject of their ire once again. The argument eventually burns out, and mother retreats to her bed, moaning loudly in an attempt to keep the whole family awake, eventually falling asleep after regurgitating the copious amount of food she had eaten. While the rest of the family is snoring within minutes, Lucifer goes the entire night without sleeping. He gets up at eight in the morning, expressing his disgust at the state of the house - chairs are overturned, dishes broken, and food is strewn all over the floor. He finds his grandfather sleeping on the couch, and slaps him in the face.

  • Grandfather: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
  • Lucifer: You had one job, you worthless sack of shit. I told you to be the moderator in this equation while I was gone. Instead, you joined the fight, and to top it all off, you let them tear the place apart! I ought to blow your motherfucking brains out!
  • Mother: SHUT UP!!!
  • Lucifer: YOU SHUT UP!!!
  • Father: Now, Lucifer, you fail to understand how good a time we had last night. Grandpa would've been stupid NOT to join us. Just look at the beautiful spectacle of our clothes strewn all across the yard! Take a good look at what's in front of you, because this is what you'll grow up to be!
  • Lucifer: I'm damn near grown, and I'm nothing like you, thank God!
  • Father: You are, Lucifer, you just don't know it.

Shrugging off his father's words, Lucifer stumbles his way to school. Lilith isn't present, but his two other friends, Dawid and Enrique, are.

  • Dawid: Oi, you little bastard! You're early!
  • Lucifer: Go bug someone else, asshole...
  • Enrique: You'd have to nail his mouth shut.
  • Lucifer: Or put a bullet between his eyes...
  • Enrique: Both'll get you in jail.
  • Lucifer: Unfortunately.
  • Dawid: So, did you hear about this girl in our class?! She was supposed to have killed herself yesterday! She watched some sort of video and it drove her crazy! She cut those train track things on her both her arms and she hung herself in the doorway of the apartment where she lived!
  • Lucifer: No one bothered to help her?
  • Dawid: NO!
  • Lucifer: And she killed herself over some video!
  • Dawid: YEAH! She must've been one of those emo twats too... She liked to cut herself 'n' shit! I'm surprised you didn't notice her, Luci! She was just your type! Maybe you could've killed yourselves together! She might not have had this priceless expression on her face then!
  • Lucifer: Wait... Are you talking about that scene chick?
  • Dawid: YEAH! The one who wanted a man whose cum was chunkier than an Oreo McFlurry!
  • Enrique: The one whose hair looked like a pheasant's ass?
  • Lucifer: Blech, she seemed like the type to kill herself over a video... If she cut herself before this, she clearly wasn't cutting deep enough. Besides, it's down the road, not across the street. Idiots need to get it right.
  • Dawid: OH OH OH!!!
  • Enrique: Insta-orgasm.
  • Dawid: I remembered something! That video was supposed to be circulating the Interwebz! Maybe we can find it and see what it was! No one's here yet, so the computer room's probably empty!

Dragging his unwilling companions along, Dawid rushes toward the computer room, booting up one as fast as he can. He searches "suicide video", and gets only one result, which he eagerly clicks. Loath though they are to admit it, Lucifer and Enrique are just as curious as Dawid.

After watching for ten minutes, the trio cannot bring themselves to speak. Indeed, the sheer depth of what they have just seen is something their feeble minds cannot be expected to process properly. With an expression of awe glued to their faces, they make their way to class, believing the significance of what they have just witnessed to be something so meager as-

  • Lucifer, Enrique, and Dawid: (The meaning of life...)

The school day slowly goes by, the entire affair numbing Lucifer's head. While others pay close attention to the lesson, his head is with someone he hasn't seen all day.

  • Lucifer: Goddammit, Lilith, don't make me suffer alone...

At that moment, a disheveled Lilith stumbles into class, much as he had done earlier. The teacher scolds her, but she pays no him no heed. She takes her seat next to Lucifer and plops her head down onto her desk hard, as if she had fainted.

  • Lucifer: Are you alright?
  • Lilith: ...
  • Dawid: Ooooooh, she's his girlfriend! C... Ch... Chu...? Chu? CHU. CHU! CHU!!!
  • Lucifer: Shut up. And what are you looking at, Enrique?!
  • Enrique: Nothin'.
  • Lucifer: Seriously, are you alright...?
  • Lilith: Leave me alone...

Lucifer's heart skips a beat.

  • Lucifer: (Is it about last night...? I still have the photo in my pocket...)

Lucifer gets the idea to show Lilith the photo as a means to cheer her up. But first, he must weather the remainder of the school day. Mr. Lampwick certainly won't make that easy.

  • Lampwick: Eh... So... Can anyone... figure out this problem...?

His meekness stirs no one.

  • Enrique: Why does he try to teach us things he doesn't even know? That we don't even NEED to know?
  • Lucifer: Because. That's just the way things go. We waste seventeen or eighteen years of our lives - sometimes more - in a so-called attempt by the preceding generation to impart the knowledge of their time to us, that we may better our lives with it.
  • Enrique: Yeah...
  • Lucifer: But I don't see much of that.
  • Enrique: ?
  • Lucifer: I see the minds around me, the attentive ones, being numbed. In these classes, you aren't encouraged to find the answer yourself. It's given to you. You can't have your own way of doing things. The way is given to you. If it isn't used, you fail. At least, that's what you learn.
  • Enrique: I don't understand.
  • Lucifer: Critical thinking is discouraged. You aren't supposed to think for yourself. Others do the thinking for you. When that's spread all across the populace, you get "sheeple". They'll believe whatever they're told, because they've been taught not to question. Did you see what the president is going to sign? "We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (HOTS) (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs that are simply a relabeling of Outcome-Based Education (OBE) (mastery learning) which focus on behavior modification and have the purpose of challenging the student’s fixed beliefs and undermining parental authority." Let that sink in. Do I really need to say more? These people are afraid that you'll become someone they don't want. These people have ruined everyone in this country. These people deserve the slowest, most painful death possible. They're the ones who want keep atheists from holding office and say that we should be forced to pray every day. I'd kill all of these people if I thought I could get away with it.
  • Enrique: ... Hm.

Eventually, Lampwick is replaced by a new teacher - Ms. Fuse.

  • Fuse: Now, class...
  • Class: FUSE SENSEI!!!
  • Fuse: ... Uh...

Caught off guard by the collective greeting, Fuse proceeds to teach something completely irrelevant-

  • Fuse: CHEMISTRY!!! (That I don't know...)
  • Lucifer: Whatever they do, they don't impart anything useful to us. There's no use in learning something you'll just forget in a month.
  • Lilith: Ditto.

Caught off guard by Lilith's acknowledgement, Lucifer smiles, feeling a small sense of triumph. Not long after, a high-pitched whine pierces the ears of the everyone in the classroom. Lucifer, being particularly sensitive to sound, cringes.

  • Lucifer: Goddammit... Make it stop!

A small object rips through the building, destroying both the wall and the roof, and hitting Lilith in between the eyes. Her blood hits a horrified Lucifer in the face.

  • Lucifer: Guh... LILITH?!?!?!

Rushing to her side, Lucifer finds that, while the school has been devastated, Lilith only has a small hole at the point of impact. She opens her eyes, and relief surges through Lucifer.

  • Lucifer: You're alright?!
  • Lilith: Luci...?

Lucifer flinches.

  • Lucifer: (What...? She never calls me Luci...)

Lilith jumps up enthusiastically and produces a guitar, an ESP VP-DKV-420, and glares at Lucifer menacingly. Unable to move, Lucifer is hit squarely in the chest. While the hit would kill a normal human, it merely causes a small, uncomfortable tingling for him.

  • Lucifer: WHAT-
  • Lilith: Shh... You'll spoil the moment! ♥
  • Lucifer: What the fuck...???

Lilith embraces Lucifer tightly, prompting a strong reaction from-

  • Dawid: CHUUUUUUUUUU!!! CHUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!! CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU, MOTHERFUCKING CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
  • Enrique: Uh... Was that really necessary?

Releasing the acutely bemused Lucifer, Lilith leaps atop an exposed beam and gestures the devil horns at Lucifer.

  • Lilith: See ya later, bastard!

Lilith whistles, calling forth a large chopper. Emblazoned on its sides are the words "49% motherfucker, 51% bitch". As she mounts it, the blinding white flames spew from the mufflers. Putting on her glasses, Lilith turns to Lucifer one last time and winks before flipping him off. Flying through the air, she is out of sight within seconds.

  • Enrique: What just happened?
  • Dawid: SHE JUST DUMPED HIM!!! CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!

As the rest of the class leaves, the trio stay behind, with Lucifer being shocked mute.

  • Dawid: You okay, Luci?? I told you that you should've gone with that scene chick!! Dammit, Lilith's emo!!
  • Lucifer: Fuck you, Dawid...

Lucifer's rebuttal is enough to convince Dawid and Enrique to leave. Fuse sifts through the rubble, having been stuck there for half an hour. Her concern is neither the school nor the students, but-

  • Fuse: MY CAR!!!

The car was crushed underneath the rubble. Ignoring Fuse's sobbing, Lucifer lights a cigarette, feeling the tingling in his chest grow stronger.

  • Lucifer: Well, there goes my day.

The obelisk squeals, rattling the nearby rubble. Buying a coffee from a nearby vending machine, Lucifer makes his way home. A strange figure greets him along the way.

  • ???: The darkest, most bitter coffee one could get... You like liven' on the edge, don't you?
  • Lucifer: Says who?
  • ???: Says me, son.

Lucifer turns around to find a tall, red-haired man standing atop a building.

  • ???: Your brain needs glucose. Try getting the Pepsi next time. You look like you could use it, Mr. Emo.
  • Lucifer: Fuck off.

The man leaps in front of him, revealing more of his body. His complexion is that of an overdone tan. His pants have a zippers extending down to the base of the legs, with a conspicuous lump in one of them making the reason clear. His nose, eyes, and eyebrows are gigantic. Likewise, his sunshades obscure most of his upper face. A woman quickly follows him.

  • Lucifer: ... Who's the plastic whore?
  • ???: Best watch your words, boy. That's my wife.

Indeed, the impossible breasts - sagging to her feet, yet maintaining a certain indescribable "perk" - imply artificial means of attainment. Other features, such as her hips, lips, backside, tanned complexion, and feet, are also grossly exaggerated.

  • Lucifer: Who the hell are you?
  • ???: My name...? My name is Jigsteel, the Great Mighty President.
  • Lucifer: ...
  • Jigsteel: This is my wife, Bitchdick.
  • Lucifer: ... Huehuehuehue.
  • Jigsteel: Aren't you happy? Seeing two people of our... stature... at the same place, at the SAME TIME... That isn't something that happens everyday!
  • Lucifer: You look like you overdosed on Enzyte, pumped, and jelqed that thing for ten years without pause. It's disgusting. Your wife is, quite simply, an abomination.
  • Jigsteel: No, son, you just don't know what's good. By the way, we were coming through town looking for food. Might you know any grocers in these parts?

Lucifer remembers that his family runs a small store in-house. Even so, he doesn't respond, hoping that Jigsteel and Bitchdick will give up and leave. Unfortunately, they don't, believing him to be leading them where they need to go. He finds his father negotiating with an elderly customer in the garage.

  • Father: So, you see, we need a signed bass from Toshiya himself... That will ensure that we sell out of AAAAAAAALL our old stock of Vanilla Coke!
  • Customer: ???
  • Father: Oooh! Here comes a buyer right now!

Upon discovering who it is, Father erupts in excitement, literally kicking both the customer and Lucifer out of the garage and locking the door.

  • Customer: What just happened???
  • Lucifer: Stuff, man. Just stuff. Nahh mean???

Receiving no response, Lucifer gets in through the back door. Mother is glued to the television while Grandfather is poring over old magazines. As always, Lucifer immediately heads to the shower, but it appears to be occupied.

  • Lucifer: Fucking idiots... Leaving the goddamn water running...

Lucifer pushes open the door. The room is filled with thick, suffocating steam.

  • ???: Who is it? ♪
  • Lucifer: I could ask you the same thing!

Opening the curtain, Lucifer is shocked by what he finds. A woman with long, black hair and green eyes. She makes no attempt to conceal her body from Lucifer. However, he cannot tear his eyes away from hers. The playful, cat-like expression on her face endears her to Lucifer. Upon speaking in her regular voice, her identity becomes clear.

  • ???: Told ya I'd see ya later!
  • Lucifer: Lilith... Why...?
  • Lilith: I live here now!
  • Lucifer: Again, why?

Before he can be answered-

  • ???: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
  • Lucifer: SHIT!!!

Rushing to the garage, Lucifer finds a truly hideous sight: a four-way between father, mother, Jigsteel, and Bitchdick.

  • Lucifer: ... I'm guessing you got your food. What was that screaming?
  • Jigsteel: Bitchdick got a little overexcited... She bit your dad's dick.
  • Lucifer: ... M'kay. Can you leave, please?
  • Mother: PISS OFF, YOU UGLY LITTLE WANKER!!! YOU AIN'T RUINING THIS FOR ME!!!
  • Lucifer: Ruining what? Having an orgy with these fake celebrities?
  • Jigsteel: President and First Lady*
  • Lucifer: Fuck you. Leave. I can't get any sleep with this shit in my ear.
  • Father: No, Luci... Why not join us? It's fun...!
  • Lucifer: N-
  • Mother: I'M NOT TOUCHING HIS DICK!!! He can go to JOLLY ASS PIRATES and get FUCKED IN THE ASS THERE for all I care!
  • Lucifer: Jolly Ass Pirates?
  • Mother: That's all you could do, you lazy shit! I had you to make us money, but what are you doing?! NOT MAKING MONEY, THAT'S FOR SURE!!! All you could ever be is a male prostitute!
  • Lucifer: This coming from someone who sits on her fat ass ALL DAY...

As Lucifer becomes closer to his breaking point, a towel-clad Lilith taps his shoulder.

  • Lilith: Luci, Luci, I need you! ♥

As Lilith pulls Lucifer back inside, Mother hurls one Molotov Cocktail, seeking to instigate a fight.

  • Mother: DON'T RAPE HER, YOU SICK FREAK!!! DON'T CONTAMINATE HER WITH YOUR EMO SHIT!!!

Lucifer flips her off before slamming the door and locking it.

  • Lilith: Why lock it? They'll just break it down, you know.
  • Lucifer: Then they can pay to get it fixed. I don't want them in here. I want to talk to you... And get some clothes on, please...
  • Lilith: What, you don't like my body? You're hurting my feelings, Luci...

Lucifer doesn't respond. They go to his room, and he shuts the door behind them. After rummaging through his closet, Lilith throws together a very bizarre and ugly outfit consisting of a loud, cartoon print hoodie, striped bondage pants, shutter shades, innumerable piercings, and brightly-colored, spiked hair. Lucifer's disgust is plastered on his face.

  • Lucifer: I don't recall having a stereotypical scene getup in my closet...
  • Lilith: Lilith's Super Hyper Emotional Escape Your Illusions Course of Love, YEAH!!!

Producing her guitar, Lilith furiously strums and spins it, creating a strong gust.

  • Lucifer: Lilith, what are you doing?!
  • Lilith: Livin'... I'M LIVING!!! SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO!!! You'll never get all the bitches unless you got SKILLZ!!!
  • Lucifer: What skills???
  • Lilith: Singing, guitar, bass!
  • Lucifer: No drumming?!
  • Lilith: The drummer never gets any tail! You gotta be GREAT!!! EXCEEDING!!! Like Toshiya, Kurt Cobain, SERJ MOTHERFUCKING TANKIAN!!!

Lilith begins playing so fast that the guitar catches fire. As she spins it, the fire spreads across the room, and she spins it so fast that she lifts off of the ground and hurtles toward Lucifer.

  • Lucifer: SHIT, LILITH!!

They both wind up on Lucifer's bed, with the fire gone and Lilith wearing a towel once more. She stands over Lucifer, waiting for him to speak.

  • Lucifer: ...
  • Lilith: You know, girls like it when boys have the balls to make the first move.
  • Lucifer: I don't have balls...
  • Lilith: Aw, has your mother gotten to you? She's lying, you know...
  • Lucifer: ...
  • Lilith: Do it, Luci.
  • Lucifer: What?
  • Lilith: DO IT, LUCI. DO IT LIKE YOU KNOW HOW.
  • Lucifer: I don't know what you're talking about...
  • Lilith: Stargasm.
  • Lucifer: What???

Lilith kisses Lucifer as hard as she can. The act spurs Lucifer's penis erect, and puts his mind where it needs to be for "Stargasm".

  • Lilith: You want it, Luci. I want it too. You know what to do.

Lucifer's smiles wide, disrobing as Lilith removes her towel.

7:00

For the next four hours, the two experiment in every way that their mortal imaginations can think of.

11:00

Their energy and enthusiasm has not waned, and they attack their goal of highest sexual pleasure with a single-minded ferocity. Experimentation is over, and the only thing left is normal sexual intercourse. Lilith ties Lucifer's limbs to the bedposts, his wide smile turning into an even wider grin.

  • Lilith: I want it...
  • Lucifer: Chodź i weź to.
  • Lilith: Daj mi go!
  • Lucifer: Tak.
  • Lilith: CO?!?!?!
  • Lucifer: TAK!!!!!!

As they hit plateau, Lilith begins to go faster, with Lucifer contributing as well.

11:30

Finally, half an hour in, the onset of orgasm comes in full force. The space around them begins to distort. The stars perversely feast their eyes on the spectacle, the planets align, the sun screams in agony before it explodes, corpses of gods fall to earth, the oceans evaporate, volcanoes erupt, and the moon laughs at the cacophony. Lilith smiles at Lucifer.

  • Lilith: Stargasm...! It's almost here...! ♥
  • Lucifer: Podbijasz bardzo ważny punkt, ale byłbym wdzięczny, gdyby zechciał pan włączyć się skupić z powrotem do jeździecki mojego penisa.
11:59

At last, the Stargasm arrives, its pleasure drenching the pair in ecstasy unfathomable by the mortal mind. Its effects take them beyond this world entirely, and takes them to a universe all their own. The expression on Lilith's face is positively beaming from the pleasure of the affair, and Lucifer's grin cannot get any wider. Feeling imminent ejaculation, Lucifer breaks loose from the bedpost, embracing Lilith tightly and whispering into her ear-

  • Lucifer: I love you...

Feeling the end coming, Lilith can only say one thing-

  • Lilith: S... Sacrebleu!
12:00

Finally, the end hits. Their hearts nearly beating out of their chests, they lay beside one another. Before falling asleep, Lucifer notices something, but it is too trivial to keep him awake.

  • Lucifer: (I'm on fire.)

Sleeping for eight hours, Lucifer wakes up to a disheveled Liilth, stuck in deep sleep. Smiling, he stumbles to the kitchen to fix himself some coffee. Strangely, his family and the First Couple are nowhere to be seen. Unconcerned, Lucifer clumsily makes his way back to his room, rousing Lilith from her slumber.

  • Lucifer: Time for school, Lily...
  • Lilith: Guh... Fuck that shit... I think I'll call in sick today and stay at home. You go on ahead. I'll just... sleep.

Staring blankly at Lilith's bare back before snapping back into reality, Lucifer hastily fixes himself up and leaves, taking his coffee with him. The conservative residents of the area in which he lives are none too pleased with the sight of Lucifer, still fairly disheveled and stumbling about, spilling his coffee almost every twenty steps. Finally finishing the drink, he throws the glass mug on the street, breaking it. As school enters his sight, Lucifer leans against a tree in an attempt to steady himself.

  • Lucifer: *HIC*... Ugh, did we fuck or did we get shitfaced last night...?

Ms. Fuse is stumbling through her day as well, having been late to an empty class which should have been full half an hour ago. Doing a double-take at Lucifer's arrival, she quickly puts on a stern face.

  • Fuse: You're late! What do you have to say for yourself?!
  • Lucifer: I'm not gonna say it was aliens, but it was aliens.

The statement manages to confuse the light-headed Fuse enough to make her drop any planned punishment, and Lucifer takes his seat. Not long after, Dawid, Enrique, and the rest of the class arrive. Enrique remains apathetic and expressionless, while Dawid looks rather bizarre, even more so than usual. His eyes are bulging, as is every vein in his head.

  • Lucifer: So, how was the party?

Dawid slowly turns his head towards Lucifer.

  • Lucifer: It's a joke, dammit. No reason to look so serious-

Dawid projectile vomits in Lucifer's face with so much force that it nearly knocks him out of his chair. Lucifer wipes the vomit from his face, clearly unamused, while Enrique snickers in the background.

  • Lucifer: Got a little more for HIM, DAWID?!

Dawid projectile vomits in Lucifer's face once again, prompting another snicker from Enrique. Lucifer gets up from his seat and marches toward Enrique, with Fuse and the rest of the class indifferent to the whole affair.

  • Lucifer: You think this is a motherfucking game???
  • Enrique: So, how was the party?
  • Lucifer: I don't know, how was it?
  • Enrique: Who said we went to one?
  • Lucifer: What just happened!
  • Enrique: Dawid's always like that. Better a literally sick bastard than a sex fiend like he normally is.
  • Lucifer: Not when it's in my face!
  • Enrique: And if it was in mine?
  • Lucifer: You wouldn't give a shit! You don't give a shit about anything!

Enrique shrugs and shoos Lucifer away, prompting the latter to fling Dawid's vomit in his face. Enrique simply cleans it off, a reaction that provokes Lucifer even further. Regardless, he follows Enrique's lead and cleans off, while Ms. Fuse prepares to teach the first lesson of the day.

  • Fuse: Today, we're going to learn how to use CHOPSTICKS!!!
  • Class: WHY?

Caught off guard by the question, Fuse struggles to recenter herself.

  • Fuse: B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-because... HAI!!! *KLAK* *KLAK*
  • Class: *KLAK* *KLAK*
  • Lucifer: *Sigh*... Why am I here? I should be there... With her...
  • Dawid: Chuuuuuu...
  • Lucifer: Shut up...

Looking outside with a clear head for the first time in the entire day, Lucifer notices something strange in the sun. He can look at it without hurting his eyes. Squinting and focusing as hard as he can, he sees something incredible - the cackling visage of Abbath Doom Occulta.

  • Lucifer: What...? Enrique, did you see that?
  • Enrique: See what?
  • Lucifer: Immortal! Immortal in the sun!
  • Enrique: It's always been there. That's nothing special.
  • Lucifer: What... the fuck...?

The black metal in the sun gave me the warning.


  • Fuse: IAH!! *KALK* *KALK*
  • Lucifer: ARE YOU KIDDING?!?! IMMORTAL WAS NEVER IN THE SUN!!!

Enrique shoots Lucifer an ugly look. He leans closer to Lucifer.

  • Enrique: They were never in the sun, they have always been the sun. Get it right, asshole.

The ground begins to tremble beneath them, and a massive figure strides into view from the ocean.

  • Dawid: GODZILLA!!!
  • Lucifer: No... It's...
  • ???: AW SHIT, NIGGA!
  • Lucifer: WHY, DE GESO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
  • De Geso: DAMN RIGHT! I AIN'T ALL THAT "IKA MUSUME" SHIT, I'S DE GESO. D. E. SPACE. G. E. S. O. DE GESO!!!
  • Fuse: WILL EVERYONE STOP SCREAMING?!?! I'M TRYING TO TEACH!!! HAI HAI *KLAK* *KLAK* *KLAK* *KLAK*

Meanwhile, at the First Bunker...

  • Jigsteel: What's with all the racket?
  • As of Now Nameless Assistant: A giant squid girl has come from the eastern oceans and has invaded the surface world!
  • Jigsteel: HOW ORIGINAL!!! Your name is As of Now Nameless Assistant, correct?! Well...

Jigsteel scoops the girl up in his arms and embraces her tightly.

  • Jigsteel: How about... *smack*... Aonna...? How about that, my beautiful little ganguro?
  • Aonna: Ganguro...? Why do I have to be a ganguro...? Ganguros are so ugly...
  • Jigsteel: You aren't...

Jigsteel, Aonna, and Bitchdick thus leave the bunker in a heavily armed megatank, leaving two unhappy souls behind.

  • Father and Mother: DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!!!

As they speed on to the battlefield, De Geso wanders about the city. The obelisk spews forth mist, attracting the giant squid-girl's attention. As she strides toward it, she steps on Lucifer's school, leaving the school and everyone in it flattened.

  • Lucifer: I've got to do something...!
  • Dawid: What can you do?! You're just an E-

Punching Dawid in the face, Lucifer comes to a realization.

  • Lucifer: I'll kill it myself! I am... NEMESIS!!!
  • Alexandra: I CAN'T BE HELD BACK!!!

Alexandra, having obliterated my original plan to exclude her from this special, flies to the inner city, where Jigsteel and Aonna have already begun fighting. The half-witted Bitchdick simply splashes about in a nearby fountain, attracting numerous men with horrible taste in women.

  • Aonna: She's having another orgy?! Can't she do anything useful?!
  • Jigsteel: She's just a sex machine! It can't be helped! Focus on Squid Girl!

De Geso becomes visible angry at being referred to as such.

  • De Geso: DID YOU JUST CALL ME... SQUIIIIID GIIIIIIIIRL?!?!?!?!?! BITCH-ASS WEABOO FAGGOT!!! I AM DE GESO!!!!!!

Aonna pounds the raging De Geso's face with explosive rifle fire, to no avail.

  • Jigsteel: Drop the drones on her!

The drones arrive in seconds, pounding De Geso with bombs and bullets, but they too have no effect on the raging loli. Having caught two, she smacks the remainder out of the sky, proceeding to throw the two at Jigsteel and Aonna, destroying their tank.

  • Jigsteel: Damn it all! Aonna, Bitchdick, are you okay?!

Aonna emerges from the rubble scratched and bloody, with most of her clothing destroyed as well.

  • Jigsteel: Wooaahh, mama...
  • Aonna: I'm hurt, but I'll pull through... I'm fine anyway, thank you...

Suffering a nosebleed at the sight of Aonna's sizable, well-formed breasts, Jigsteel becomes distracted long enough for De Geso to send them both him and Aonna flying through several nearby buildings. Now uninhibited, De Geso continues her stride towards her goal. As Alexandra prepares to attack her from behind, she is sent flying by a powerful force.

  • ???: ... Meanwhile, behind the facade of this fucked-up looking female...

The female attacks with a barrage of energy blasts, once again enraging De Geso. Meanwhile, Alexandra lies in the fountain under Bitchdick.

  • Alexandra: Fruitshit!!!

Alexandra flies forth, carrying Bitchdick with her. Grabbing her by the crotch, Alexandra hurls Bitchdick at De Geso, who smacks her aside. Alexandra flies in front of the female, a wild, angry look on the former's face.

  • Alexandra: No one fucks with the Alex!

Noticing Bitchdick's bloody, semen-covered tampon stuck to her hand, Alexandra takes it and dangles it above her mouth, the intent being clear.

  • ???: Huh...
  • Alexandra: BEHOLD!!! I have bigger nuts than every man on EARTH!!! I love ONE woman, EVERY day of the month!

Sucking the tampon dry of its contents, Alexandra swallows the remains. Her muscles swell and her hair becomes spiked.

  • Alexandra: I NOYU TONGTA!!! GETKASE, BOGETTI!!!
  • ???: ... Why?
  • Alexandra: Because I'll be Internet famous! Huh?!?!?!?

Having snapped out of her anger, Alexandra recognizes the figure before her. It's Lilith, clad in a rabbit costume.

  • Alexandra: Bu-

As she notices De Geso's arm closing in on both of them, Alexandra reverts to Lucifer. While Lilith manages to avoid the attack with ease, Lucifer is hit with such force that he enters the troposphere. As he hurtles through a nearby mountain range, pieces of pie begin to pelt him, leaving him painfully bemused. As he leaves the mountains, he brushes the pie out of his eyes and looks beneath him. There is no land - only an endless expanse of mist.

  • Lucifer: Ours... Ours is the only world that matters? There is no world outside of our city?
  • Abbath: LUCIFER!!!
  • Lucifer: What?!
  • Abbath: LOOK INTO MY EYES, SON OF SATAN!!!
  • Lucifer: It speaks... IT SPEAKS!!!
  • Abbath: LISTEN TO ME, AND LISTEN CLOSE!!!

As Lucifer continues his strange journey, Lilith continues her fight with De Geso.

  • De Geso: LIFT SO HARD... MOTHERFUCKERS CAN'T TAKE ME! I'M A STRONG, INDEPENDENT SQUID LOLI WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?! SHIT, YOU'S A BASIC BITCH, NIGGA!
  • Lilith: Well you're a crude one, aren't you?
  • De Geso: I AIN'T NO EMO FAGGOT LIKE YOU AND YO BOYFRIEND, BITCH! YA'LL BE ALL LIKE CUTTIN' AND SHIT! I AIN'T INTO THAT! NAW, I TURN MY SWAG ON EVERY MORNING! I FORGET TO TURN IT OFF, I GET COVERED IN BOIZ, NIGGA! #YOLOSWAGNIQQA!!!
  • Lilith: So you are a crude little slut?
  • De Geso: YOUS BEST QUIT TALKIN' SHIT, BITCH-ASS NIGGA! I CAN SMOKE YO ASS FASTER THAN YOU CAN BLINK! I BE LIKE RETITERATIN' THAT SHIT I SAID ANYWAY - YOU'S A BASIC BITCH, NIGGA!
  • Lilith: You've done plenty of talking yourself. How about you turn those tall, crude words into action, cocksucker?
  • De Geso: I AIN'T NO COCKSUCKER, NIGGA! YOU'S NEED TO BE ALL LIKE JOHN HOLMES TO HIT THIS SHIT!

Lilith summons her guitar while De Geso moves to punch her. Using her guitar as a machine gun, Lilith inundates De Geso's face with bullets, but it does little more than slow her down. Suddenly, a loud scream rings out, and something crashes into the back of De Geso's head, penetrating it and killing her instantly. Lilith looks on in amazement as De Geso's massive body falls to the ground, killing everyone underneath her.

  • Lilith: ... Luci. You couldn't have chosen a better time. ♥
  • Fuse: My school... MY CAR!!!
  • Dawid: Chu chu?
  • Enrique: How are we still alive?
  • Aonna: GET AWAY FROM ME!!! HELP!!! SOMEONE, HELP ME!!! CAN'T YOU SEE HE WANTS TO RAPE ME!?!?!?!
  • Jigsteel: THERE'S NO PRAYER FOR THE VICTIM, BABY!!!

Sifting through De Geso's cavernous skull, Lilith finds an unconscious Lucifer and pulls him out.

  • Lilith: Good to see you again, Luci! ♥

Upon regaining consciousness, Lucifer is appalled by what he sees.

  • Lucifer: NOOOOOOOOO, BASED IKA!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
  • Lilith: What?
  • Lucifer: OH MY GOD, BASED IKA!!! I HAD A SHRINE, LILITH!!! FIVE YEARS AGO, IN MY CLOSET, I HAD A SHRINE, LILITH!!! I WORSHIPED BASED IKA, LILITH!!! Why... WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TURN INTO A SWAGGOT, BASED IKA?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.... My life is over for two hours...
  • Lilith: C'mon, Luci... It's what Based Ika would have wanted.
  • Lucifer: You're right. Thank you-

Lilith has disappeared.

  • Lucifer: ... Lilith...

After managing to put the massive "Based Ika" to rest within an hour, Lucifer heads home.

The black metal in the sun gave me the warning.

It warned me that the world would never be the same again.

Ambling home in a daze, Lucifer sits down in front of the television and eats a frozen pizza. Grandfather wanders in soon after.

  • Grandfather: Where the hell have you been?
  • Lucifer: Topeka.
  • Grandfather: Where's that?!
  • Lucifer: Kansas. I'm not in Kansas anymore.
  • Grandfather: Pfft. Your asshole parents leave with the First Family while I sit here masturbating to the thought of them...
  • Lucifer: Let me play you a sad song on the world's smallest violin.

Grandfather doesn't respond, and the atmosphere stagnates. Grandfather grows impatient with Lucifer's choice of entertainment.

  • Grandfather: What the hell is this shit?! It's boring me!
  • Lucifer: Go watch porn, like you always do.
  • Grandfather: I'm tired! I don't have the strength to beat myself off!

A new program comes on.

The Domestic Fucker Family


  • Hiro: SO!!! These are the lengths you've fallen to, father?!?!?!?
  • Yamamoto: I'm smart, not a saint! I know how to get human women, Hiro! Long blond hair, a big dick, and SWAG!!! LOTS OF SWAG, HIRO!!! Join me, Hiro, and together we can breed a new race!

Yamamoto sends forth his thousand tendrils, invading the vaginas of every woman in the castle. The pleasured moans he elicits with his unparalleled technique are nearly deafening.

  • Hiro: I would never degrade myself in such a manner! I'm sorry it has to end like this... AWAKEN, Fudō-myōō!!!

Hiro summons a massive, weapon-covered mech, which grasps its "gunblade" and prepares to slice Yamamoto down the middle. Before it can, however, Yamamoto unleashes his chain gun's explosive rounds on the mech. Meanwhile, Hiro's soldiers advance on Yamamoto's harem, guarded by a group of faceless gunmen, who proceed to slaughter the soldiers and turn their attention to Hiro. Hiro dodges both their bullets and Yamamoto's easily, but Fudō-myōō is not so fortunate, going down after 9,124,121,515,134,789,454,636 shots, having been active for only three minutes. Lucifer sits entranced by the erotic violence, but Grandfather notices moans coming from the bathroom. Getting one of his shoes, he prepares to beat the sources senseless, kicking the bathroom door down.

  • Grandfather: WILL YOU SHUT UP!!!!!!

Grandfather and Father are both sent flying through the wall, landing on top of Lucifer's head. The source of the moans sprays them all with machine gun fire, perforating all but an enraged Lucifer.

  • Lucifer: GODDAMMIT, I WAS WATCHING TV YOU STUPID BI-

The source is an enraged, naked Lilith. Lucifer bites his tongue, realizing he nearly called his girlfriend a bitch.

  • Lilith: KEEP THAT FILTHY THING IN YOUR PANTS, SHITHEAD!!! I'M IN NO MOOD TONIGHT!!!
  • Lucifer: Do what?
  • Lilith: I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU, IDIOT!!!

As Lilith storms out of the bathroom, Lucifer turns his attention to Father.

  • Lucifer: What did you do to get her so pissed off?! And how did you get here so quickly?!
  • Father: It's just women, man. I think she might've been on her time of the month or something...
  • Lucifer: Lilith's never even had a period!
  • Father: It must be a mental one then...

Lucifer goes to his room, where he finds a towel-clad Lilith talking to a morbidly obese Manx cat, shaking her backside provocatively all the while.

  • Cat: Питам се да ли ико заправо реадс ово срање.
  • Lilith: What do you mean I have feelings for him?!
  • Cat: Ja sam se osjećao kreativnije konstipirano ovaj tjedan...
  • Lilith: It has nothing to do with LIKING or DISLIKING, it has everything to do with the MISSION, IDIOTS!
  • Cat: Av någon anledning känner jag mig som jag tog en enorm skiten i mitt havregryn idag...
  • Lilith: I can't help what MUST be done! This is SOLELY for the-
  • Cat: Czy ty wogóle mnie słuchacie?!?!?!?!?
  • Lilith: Damn, the connection went dead!

Noticing a significantly aroused Lucifer in the periphery of her vision, Lilith immediately throws the cat out the window.

  • Lilith: Oh... OH-HO!!! Naughty Luci, were you eavesdropping on me?

Containing his hormones, Lucifer closes the door behind him.

  • Lucifer: What was all that about?
  • Lilith: What? Oh, all that gunfire 'n' shit?
  • Lucifer: Yeah. What did father do to get you so angry?
  • Lilith: Oh, you know... Fucking...
  • Lucifer: What?! He tried to fuck you?!
  • Lilith: No... He succeeded. I couldn't spit him out fast enough.

Lucifer stares into space, mouth agape.

  • Lucifer: You... got fucked... by MY FATHER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
  • Lilith: Yup. He was persuasive, but he didn't have much substance, you know?
  • Lucifer: I'm... GONNA KICK HIS ASS!!!

Lilith shoots at Lucifer, "painting" his outline with bullet holes.

  • Lilith: No... Rednecks do that when their bitch is threatened... You almost went full redneck, Lucifer... Never go full redneck... They jack their lumber... sans their CHAINSAW, YEEEAAAH!!!
  • Lucifer: That's not a redneck reaction, it's ANYONE'S reaction to their partner getting fucked by someone else! ESPECIALLY their parents!

Before he can execute his murderous plans, Lilith grabs the collar of his shirt and throws him onto his bed, mounting him to ensure that he can't escape.

  • Lucifer: ... This is the beginning of a formula, isn't it?
  • Lilith: It doesn't have to be. Reality nowadays is only what you want it to be, Lucifer. Do you want it to be bland and formulaic, or do you want it to be dynamic and innovative? Do you want to fail, or do you want to succeed? Do you want to love, or do you want to hate? Do you want to live, or do you want to die? The lines aren't always clear, Lucifer... But we have good eyes... We can see the lines. We can choose our destiny.

Lilith forcefully kisses Lucifer, triggering his erection, which tears through his pants. As they make love once again, a disgruntled being stalks them outside, having viewed the whole event through the broken window. Their lovemaking moves the frustrated stalker to masturbate furiously.

  • Lilith: Like that, Luci...
  • Lucifer: What's happening? It tickles now! I don't think this is right!
  • Lilith: Oh, Luci... Bigger, better, faster, more!
  • Lucifer: No more... NO MORE!!!

After fifteen minutes, the two finish, with the stalker having masturbated fifteen times. After peeling the dead skin from his hand, the stalker remembers why he was so furious.

  • ???: G-G-G... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!
  • Lucifer: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT?!?!?!?!?!

Jumping through the window, the stalker reveals himself as none other than Father himself.

  • Lucifer: What the hell do you want, pervert?!?!
  • Father: DON'T SPEAK TO ME ABOUT PERVERSION!!! Lucifer... You and Lilith were doing NAUGHTY THINGS!!! ... Behind your father's back!
  • Lucifer: Y-

Father shoots Lucifer in the knee with a vintage Mauser C96 pistol.

  • Lucifer: WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER?! YOU SHOT ME IN THE MOTHERFUCKING KNEE AND YOU FUCKED MY GIRLFRIEND!!??

The "girlfriend" in Lucifer's statement prompts another shot from Father, which misses. Standing straight and tall, it's clear that Father knows how to settle this dispute.

  • Father: Son! We have come to blows over the same woman! I knew this day would come, but I had no idea that you could keep your woman after I'VE had a go at her... There is but one way to settle this! A gentleman's duel: one pistol, one bullet, in a wide open space! If both shots miss, the first one to bludgeon the other to death wins!
  • Lucifer: You're-
  • Father: NO!!! Fuck that shit! I just got a better idea! TANKS!!! BAZOOKAS!!! GRENADES!!! BEER!!! A TRUE MAN'S DUEL!!! WHOEVER CONQUERS POLAND FIRST WINS!!!
  • Lucifer: We're reenacting World War II?
  • Lilith: I'M FOR IT!!!
  • Father: OH, Lilith-san!!!

Slithering ever closer to her crotch, Father is blasted out of the house by Lilith's secret weapon: a massive gun named Richard, which she stores in her vagina.

  • Lucifer: Guh...!
  • Lilith: Richard always cums late... Uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuuhhuhu!

Wandering out to a desolate, grassy field, the battle is set to begin. Father is nowhere in sight, leaving Lucifer to hide in the grass, awaiting his chance to strike. Sweat drips down his face as he keeps an unblinking vigil.

  • Lucifer: This won't be easy...
  • Lilith: Do you see anything?
  • Lucifer: I can't see shit in this grass, but I'm still looking... I should be listening...
  • Lilith: Then why aren't you?
  • Lucifer: Because I'm a man, Lilith... I can't trust logic...
  • Lilith: I hear something...
  • Lucifer: What?
  • Lilith: It's the sound of my hand in your underwear...
  • Lucifer: Wait, why are you even here-
  • Lilith: Gimme kiss, Luci... ♥

As Lilith gets naughty with Lucifer, Father rides to the top of a hill in his tank, observing the morning sun penetrating the misty atmosphere.

  • Father: *SNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIF*... AAAHHH!!! There's nothing like a humid, sticky morning to prepare a MAN for WAR!!! LUCIFER!!! DAD AIN'T HOLDING BACK HERE!!! I'LL GIVE YOU THE FIRST SHOT IF YOU CAN FIND ME IN FIVE MINUTES, WHICH SHOULD BE EASY CONSIDERING... ?!?!?!?!

Spotting the two causing a ruckus in the grass, Father immediately knows what's amiss.

  • Father: Grr... YOU HAVEN'T WON YET, YOU CHEATING BASTARD!!!

Producing an MG 42, Father opens fire at the two, sending them into a panicked retreat. As father gives chase, Lilith devises a plan.

  • Lilith: We should split up! You can take his front, I'll go get some help!
  • Lucifer: You aren't even supposed to be involved, but whatever! I'll take what I can get!

Not long after Lilith leaves, Father pins Lucifer to a large rock.

  • Father: Drop it, Buster. You're in me power now.
  • Lucifer: Mehehehehe?!
  • Father: ... Muhuhuhehuehueheuheu!
  • Lucifer: Ehehe... Ehahaha! HAHHAHAAHAH!!
  • Father: BAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA!!!

As Father laughs, Lucifer pelts him with fire, giving him an opening to escape. A coldly enraged Father gives chase, urging Lucifer to surrender.

  • Father: Face the gas, Lucifer. It's easier than fighting a war you cannot hope to win. Lilith is mine.
  • Lucifer: I won't surrender...

Lucifer faces Father with a fear that he can barely eclipse with his false bravado.

  • Lucifer: And you get this into your head, you materialistic, shallow little jackass... LILITH IS A WOMAN!!! SHE ISN'T AN OBJECT TO BE WON!!!
  • Father: Then why are you even fighting? The whole act ought to be immoral to you.
  • Lucifer: I'm not fighting to win her... I'M FIGHTING TO PROVE I'M BETTER THAN YOU!!!
  • Father: You don't understand, Lucifer. If that's your motive, then we're fighting for the same thing. We both want to prove we're better than one another.

Shocked, Lucifer steadies his arm and holds his breath. They empty their weapons in their respective directions, but not a single bullet hits their bodies. Instead, Lucifer's long hair is riddled with bullet holes, the stench of his burnt hair and hot lead filling the air. Father has merely lost his hat.

  • Father: You shot off my hat, Lucifer. Do you know what that symbolizes to me, Lucifer?

Lucifer looks on in fear as Father reloads his gun.

  • Father: You have shot off a symbol of Der Führer, the master of Der Übermensch. You are like a Pole, Lucifer. You mock us, you steal our jobs, you still exist despite centuries of attempted genocides, by our Reich and other empires... But you also corrupt us. Our minds, our bodies, our souls, and, most importantly, our genes. Look at you, low and ugly, brown-eyed and brown-haired, speaking your guttural tongue with such reckless abandon, never considering what effect it might have on our high minds and ears!
  • Lucifer: (Will he ever stop talking???)
  • Father: DO YOU KNOW THE COST OF YOUR CRIMES, LUCIFER?????? DEATH!!!!!! THE ONLY PATH TO A PURE WORLD LIES IN THE BARREL OF A GUN!!!!!!

As Father prepares to shoot Lucifer in the face, Lilith knocks him from his tank with the rear wheel of her motorcycle. Lucifer's face lights up at the sight of her.

  • Lucifer: LILY!!! I KNEW YOU WERE ON MY SIDE!!!
  • Lilith: Get on, bastard! We've got a Poland to conquer!
  • Lucifer: But Poland doesn't exist in this world!
  • Lilith: So what? We're still going to conquer it... It doesn't need to exist, Luci! We're ABOVE conquering what exists!
  • Lucifer: Wow... I hope I can be as awesome as you one day, Lilith...

The commotion hasn't gone unnoticed at the First Bunker.

  • Aonna: It looks like something's going on at the field east of the city.
  • Mother: SHUT UP!!!
  • Aonna: ... Will you please send her home? I'm THIS close to-

Jigsteel puts a gun to Aonna's head.

  • Jigsteel: I'll... hear nothing... from someone... who wouldn't let me... deflower her in public...! It'd be one thing if you were actually black, since you'd be the only one in the city, but you're not! I saw your nipples! They aren't black, they're PINK!!! PINK!!! It's so mainstream! You're just a fucking ganguro! Go and deal with it yourself! I'm gonna get a haircut! I'll be back, Mommy...
  • Mother: I'll wait for you forever, my sweet...

As Jigsteel leaves the room, Mother throws a nearby table lamp at Aonna.

  • Aonna: THAT LAMP COST NEARLY 15,000,000,000 DOLLARS!!! WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM!!!
  • Mother: YOU, BITCH!!! GET OUT!!! GET THE FUCK OUT!!! THIS PLACE BELONGS TO ME NOW!!!

As Mother makes her way into the kitchen to find some cutlery, Aonna quickly hops in her jeep and flees, with Mother throwing knives at her as she leaves. Meanwhile, Lilith and Lucifer, having lost Father, prepare to set out on their quest to conquer Poland in the name of the U.S.A. Having loaded their weapons, lit their cigarettes, and cracked open their beers, they're now ready to embark on the genocide of a lifetime. Lilith revs up her motorcycle, preparing to leave.

  • Lilith: Shall we sing the anthem, Luci?
  • Lucifer: Oh yeah...

They put on their goggles, down their beers, crack open another, brofist, and head out. They sing the anthem.

  • Lilith & Lucifer: Gripping the wheel, her knuckles went white with desire. The wheels of her motorcycle exploding on the highway like a slug from a .45. TRUE DEATH, four-hundred horsepower, maximum performance, piercing the night. THIS IS BLACK SUNSHINE!!!

Father appears behind them, planning to stalk them until they get to the city.

  • Father: Treacherous bitch... YOU WON'T GET AWAY!!!

Approaching the eastern entrance, Lucifer takes out his gun and takes aim at the citizens, gunning them down and laughing maniacally as they enter.

  • Lucifer: TEN!!! I GOT TEN!!!
  • Lilith: You got your head start, now it's a game, Luci! Let's finish the anthem...
  • Lilith & Lucifer: Finally, nothing moves... High noon... Blacktop rolling below the asphalt drive... A concrete fascination, scraping the edge of nothing... THIS IS Black SUNSHINE!!!

Lilith and Lucifer proceed into the city, with Father in close pursuit, waiting for the right moment to strike. Dodging the rows of dead and injured civilians that the pair leave in their wake, Father follows them to the city's greater bridge, attempting to blow out their tires and drive them into the river below.

  • Lucifer: HIPSTER HITLER AT SIX O' CLOCK!!! WHAT DO?!?!?!

An idea pops into Lilith's head.

  • Lilith: Wait till we get to the intersection. I've got an idea.
  • Lucifer: Wait, what kind of bridge has a three-way intersection?
  • Lilith: This one does!

Meanwhile...

  • Aonna: Sweet shit, Jigsteel... I hate you sometimes. You make me wish I had finished college. Oh well... It could be worse. I could have been a prostitute. Hm...?

Sighting the three on the bridge, Aonna drives onto it and, producing a rocket launcher, locks on to Lilith and Lucifer.

  • Aonna: (Surely he took a radio with him...) Commander! Commander, do you read?!
  • Jigsteel: Goddammit, Aonna, can't you mix it up?! That's probably the most generic line I've heard in the whole story!
  • Aonna: I've found the Sin Drive 1. Requesting permission to terminate, sir.
  • Jigsteel: DO NOT terminate Sin Drive 1, Aonna! You are granted permission to terminate Sin Drive 1's accomplice, but you do NOT touch Sin Drive 1! I need Sin Drive 1 alive!
  • Aonna: What about the hipster Hitler?
  • Jigsteel: He ought not be a problem, but if he is, take him out.
  • Aonna: Understood. Code Green...

Aonna locks on to Father instead.

  • Aonna: Code BLUE!!!
  • Lilith: Shoot it down, bastard!
  • Lucifer: Got it!
  • Father: Aiding the enemy? You must be suicidal, Lilith!
  • Lilith: You'll see! Keep 'em down, Luci!
  • Aonna: Blue! Blue! BLUE!!! Hit, damn it!

Aonna and Father accelerate, speeding towards the intersection, and an imminent collision.

  • Lilith: I need you to do something for me, Luci...
  • Lucifer: What is it?
  • Lilith: We're gonna go have some fun in Poland... But to do that, we need these two dead. I need you to throw this mine in the middle of the intersection, and blow it when they cross it. They ought to reach it at the same time.
  • Lucifer: But wouldn't they take each other out then?
  • Lilith: DON'T BE STUPID, LUCIFER!!! Where's the fun in just letting them kill each other?! I'm giving you two bonus points!
  • Lucifer: Hehehe... Sealing your own fate, huh? Very well then...
  • Lilith: GO, YOU LITTLE SHIT!!!

Pushing her motorcycle to its limits, Lilith screams across the intersection, and Lucifer pins the mine just slightly off the center. Just before Aonna and Father experience their fatal crash, the mine blows, destroying their vehicles and sending them flying into the river. Lilith screeches to a halt to observe the pair drifting down the long river.

  • Lucifer: The current's strong... They shouldn't be able to come after us for a while.

Squinting her eyes, Lilith notices something (not so) odd.

  • Lilith: ... Are they fucking?
  • Lucifer: No, he can't swim, so I guess he's just trying to cling to her like a dunked cat.
  • Lilith: M'kay... Luci.
  • Lucifer: Yeah?
  • Lilith: You go on. I need to go do something. I'll be right back. We can finish the game then. Don't cleanse this filthy nation without me, okay?
  • Lucifer: What do you need to do?

Putting her finger to her lip, Lilith winks and explains that this is...

  • Lilith: Kinsoku jikou desu!
  • Lucifer: Dammit, Lilith, you know my Japanese sucks!
  • Lilith: Sucks to be you! You're obviously not an OTAKU, you're a WEABOO!

Taking the insult ill, Lucifer looks on as Lilith teleports out of sight, leaving him with their smokes, booze, and weapons, as well as her motorcycle.

  • Lucifer: ... Now what am I supposed to do?! Jesus Christ... Not even two seconds and I'm already bored out of my skull! *Sigh* I guess I'll go to an Internet cafe.

Not used to driving a motorcycle, Lucifer crashes multiple times along the way, but he still manages to keep Lilith's motorcycle intact. His appearance earning him a leer from the owner, Lucifer sits at one of the many unoccupied computers. Opening the browser, he sifts through random sight after sight, the owner keeping him informed that viewing pornography will not be tolerated, much to Lucifer's chagrin.

  • Lucifer: (That's the only thing to do when she's gone... I can't even fap... People suck, man...)

Finding a website for child beauty pageants, Lucifer visits it for laughs.

  • Lucifer: (Who would enter their kid in one of these? Just a one-way ticket to a semen-covered death in a basement in south Georgia...)

Once the page has finished loading, it displays an ominous warning:

WARNING
This website for child beauty pageants has been shut down.
Your IP address has been cataloged and an investigator will be contacting you soon


  • Owner: FUCKING PERVERT!!! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!
  • Lucifer: Okay, explain to me how I was supposed to know that was a child porn site?

As if that weren't enough, a new warning is being displayed on the computer, claiming charges - including viewing child pornography, distributing copyrighted material, and "neglectful use of a personal computer" - will be filed by the federal government in three days.

  • Lucifer: Why did they give me Reveton? I don't understand that...
  • Owner: The police are coming for you! You won't get away with your evil deeds!

Within seconds, the police surround the cafe, and Lucifer is left with only two choices: fight or die.

  • Lucifer: Oh, fuck it all...

Only a few miles away, Jigsteel is attempting to relax during his haircut, which is proving to be quite a task with all of the sirens and helicopters speeding by.

  • Jigsteel: AONNA!!! DID THIS REALLY PROVE TO BE AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK FOR YOU?! YOU HAVE RUINED MY HAIRCUT!!! YOU'RE A DISGRACE!!! STATUS UPDATE IMMEDIATELY!!!
  • Aonna: They detonated a bomb... Sin Drive 1 has escaped... I'm lucky to have escaped with my life, sir...
  • Jigsteel: FUCK YOUR LIFE!!!

Destroying his radio, Jigsteel attempts to enjoy the remainder of his haircut, relaxing his tense body in the soft, itchy chair as the barber approaches to finish her job.

  • Jigsteel: Did you get my eyebrows nice and sharp? Like Ka... Ka... Kagina's glasses?
  • Barber: Of course... Oh, and it's Kamina, by the way.
  • Jigsteel: Well excuse me for fucking up the name of your little based god!
  • Barber: That doesn't make any sense.
  • Jigsteel: It doesn't have to! Now... Since you're finished, I have a proposition for you. I've got 12,000 dollars here, and I need a... a... a-A-A-AA-AAA!!!

Opening his eyes to a razor at his throat, Jigsteel kicks the barber's hand and jumps out of the chair. Getting a decent look at his assailant, Jigsteel's eyes widen in shock.

  • Jigsteel: What are you doing here, Sin Drive 1...
  • Lilith: Pretty much whatever I want!
  • Jigsteel: Heh... Waging your little mock wars... Ravaging our city... You think you'll conquer Poland in the name of the U.S.A?!?! THINK AGAIN!!! I am the Witold Pilecki of this conflict, Lilith! Who could you possibly be?!
  • Lilith: I have no historical ties. There is no parallel to me. My role is my own. I am Lilith, and I am no one else!

A large group of government agents break through the windows, their guns aimed squarely at Lilith's head.

  • Jigsteel: Oh, you have a role... Coming as a conqueror, you will leave with the same fate as the Jews: crushed, enslaved, raped, stripped, starved, and murdered with all extremity! The brutality of your death will be historic in magnitude! There will be nothing but an endless torrent of pain gushing from your wounds, since freaks like you require a whole armory to kill! We will make you die slowly... And the... "object"...

Lilith becomes visibly enraged at the mentioning of the mysterious "object".

  • Jigsteel: ... oh, the object's power shall be ours! Your feeble love cannot overcome our sheer military might! You might as well quit!
  • Lilith: I have no idea what you're talking about.
  • Jigsteel: There's no use in lying, Lilith, your face says it all!
  • Lilith: And speaking of military might, I need to catch up to Luci. I'm sure he's chin-deep in shit by now.
  • Jigsteel: You're not going anywhere! MEN!!! WEAPONS READY!!!
  • Agents: SIR, YES SIR!!!
  • Jigsteel: SHRED THIS BITCH TO RIBBONS!!!

As Jigsteel and his agents open fire, Lilith deftly dodges the flurry of bullets and summons her guitar.

  • Jigsteel: I anticipated this!
  • Lilith: Liar. You see those poor bastards? Hallucinate with hate... for soon they'll shake like you!

Unleashing a mighty wave of energy with her guitar, Lilith destroys the barber shop, mortally wounding the agents and sending Jigsteel flying several blocks down the street. Whistling for her motorcycle, Lilith gives Jigsteel her middle finger as she prepares to leave.

  • Lilith: No one gets mah bebe, Jigsteel. You're kidding yourself. YOU may as well quit. I'll see you again reaaaaaaaaaaal soon, k?

Lilith rushes off to help Lucifer, who is indeed chin-deep in feces. Having fought his way out of the Internet cafe, he is now fleeing from the combined forces of the military and the police on foot. The eagle-eyed force has managed to keep up with him through alleys and parks, never once letting up on the hapless Internet criminal. Lucifer has managed to kill a number of men, and he has downed nine helicopters, but even so, the suicidally devoted force continues its relentless march toward justice.

  • Lucifer: For fuck's sake, I'm running out of ammo!

Stopping in a nearby alley, Lucifer desperately attempts to catch his breath before he is caught.

  • Lucifer: *Huff* *Huff*... Motherfucking police, man! This ain't Mississippi... *Wheeze*... These bastards are FIT!

Seeing an opportunity, Lucifer escapes the force and ends up at a deserted cul-de-sac. His face lights up when he hears a familiar voice.

  • Lilith: BASED TURD!!!
  • Lucifer: BEOTCH!!!
  • Lilith: Look what I brought, Luci! It's a present! ♥
  • Lucifer: COCAINE!!!???
  • Lilith: Now the games can REALLY begin! One for all!
  • Lucifer: All for one!
  • Lilith: May our aim be true...
  • Lucifer: And may the better one win!
  • Lilith & Lucifer: HAI HAI!!! *scrape* *scrape*

After snorting both of the gallon-sized bags, Lilith and Lucifer mount the former's motorcycle tweaked out of their minds, ready to conquer Poland and cleanse the world of its people. The military and the police will not get away with the capital offence of attempting to assassinate the immortal Lilith & Lucifer. Riding through the streets, slaughtering the populace all the while, they trade places half an hour in, letting Lucifer drive and Lilith do the killing uninhibited. She easily makes up for Lucifer's head start, taking the lead with 1,025,459 kills compared to Lucifer's 1,000,683. However, their cocaine-induced euphoria will not let them take this game seriously, instead enjoying the banal sights of the city, somehow rendered interesting by the euphoria, and the simple act of mass murder. Soon enough, the military and the police close in on them, surrounding them atop a skyscraper.

  • Lilith: WhatdowedoLuci?!?!
  • Lucifer: Igotanidea!!
  • Lilith: Wut!?!?

Calming himself down, Lucifer explains his idea.

  • Lucifer: *Smack*... We stand back-to-back, and we go like, like "Jakka jakka jan jan jakka jan JAKKA JAN!!!" and that's when we, we turn around and we, we like do these two sides, so we get our share and shit like that.
  • Lilith: Whendoweturnback???????
  • Lucifer: We, we turn back at the, uh... "JAKKA JAN!!!" Like, when we scream it, you know!??!
  • Lilith: IthinkIfollowyouletsdoit!!

Standing back-to-back, Lilith and Lucifer prepare for the biggest bullet hell they've seen thus far, their bloodlust written boldly and clearly on their faces. They raise their guns, and the helicopters ready theirs.

  • Lilith & Lucifer: JAKKA JAKKA JAN JAN JAKKA JAN JAKKA JAN!!! JAKKA JAKKA JAN JAN JAKKA JAN JAKKA HAI?!?!

After only two repetitions, the helicopters have been shot to pieces, with Lilith and Lucifer having sustained substantial damage as well. Satisfied despite the lack of challenge, they fly off the skyscraper singing.

  • Lilith & Lucifer: WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE FBI, WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE CIA, WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT LSD, WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING!!!

Behind them, however, a new threat emerges from the casualties of the battle, including the wreckage of the vehicles and the corpses of civilians and military personnel alike. The gigantic, gleaming construct is gazed upon in awe by everyone in the city, with the notable exceptions of Jigsteel and Lilith.

  • Lucifer: HORY SHET!!! A GIANT BIRD-MUSHROOM-HUMANOID-MECHA THING!!! This'll decide the game, Lilith! Are you... Lilith???
  • Lilith: Ah... Sk... Sk... Heh... I'll handle this one, Luci. You just stay out of my way!

Lilith leaps off of her motorcycle and instantaneously changes into a revealing rabbit suit, leaving a confused Lucifer to fall to earth.

  • Lucifer: Lilith...? NO!!! You're NOT stealing this game! I'm coming whether you want me to or not!

His rage forcing his focus on Lilith, Lucifer fails to see the giant gun that the construct produces. Focusing its energy into a single, decisive strike, it fires at Lilith. As always, Lilith dodges the slow, predictable attack with ease. Lucifer, however, is not so fortunate, being struck with the full force of the construct's power. Jigsteel looks on, unimpressed at Lucifer's effort.

  • Jigsteel: God, how stupid do you have to be to get hit by that? An infant could have dodged that... Hm?
  • Aonna: SIR!! Come in, sir!
  • Jigsteel: I hear you! Listen, Aonna... Do you feel it? This power...
  • Aonna: Exactly!
  • Jigsteel: BITCHDICK!!! Take that thing down NOW!!!

Bitchdick activates the rockets in her feet and blasts toward the battle, only to be knocked back by Lucifer. While Lucifer should have been incapacitated by the attack, he is instead draining the constructs power, manifested by a dark red fluid. His eyes shining with a blinding light and his body surrounded by a red aura, Lucifer produces a weapon heretofore known only in legend: a black 1959 Les Paul Standard.

  • Jigsteel: SLASH?!
  • Lilith: Slash...
  • Lucifer: ... Fight me, motherfucker...

The construct swings the bayonet of its gun at Lucifer, but he deflects it effortlessly.

  • Lucifer: You disappoint me.
  • Lilith: Heheheh... I didn't expect this...
  • Lucifer: I'll show you... What REAL music is!

Lucifer screams toward the construct, playing 28,000 notes before smashing the guitar into it, shattering it to pieces that subsequently fly into space. The force sends Lilith plummeting to the ground, while a mysterious figure in the construct is flung into the misty abyss beyond the city. Lucifer, losing his new found power, falls to the ground a ways away from Lilith.

  • Jigsteel: SCRAMBLE THE DRONES!!! WE NEED TO FIND THAT THING BEFORE SHE DOES!!!
  • Bitchdick: ...
  • Jigsteel: I am VERY disappointed in YOU, Bitchdick! You couldn't do a damn thing against that brat's power! You'd better be in a sucking mood tonight!
  • Bitchdick: ......

Waking up to a throbbing headache, Lucifer crawls onto the sidewalk, reclining on a nearby mattress. He feels a hard spot under him, which turns out to be Lilith's phone.

  • Lucifer: Mnhonohgohowhoehiohgobnowheofoeh (I shouldn't look through her private shit... That would be rather... unbecoming of me.)

Putting the phone by his side, Lucifer fidgets uncomfortably for a few minutes before giving in to temptation. Looking through the phone, Lucifer immediately notices something strange about it: its numerous apps seem to pertain to something other than what those of a normal phone would. Numerous logs fill the phone, most of which Lucifer cannot make sense of. Some of them speak of an "object", while others speak of the ugliness of the codename "Sin Drive 1". Lucifer eventually finds a chat log deep down in the phone's archives. Lucifer pores over every detail, discovering that Lilith is in fact not human, but a being of unspecified origin who came to earth of her own accord, seeking to find the enigmatic "object", which the government also seeks for its own ends. Most disturbing to him personally, however, is the fact that she has been talking about him behind his back, speaking only the worst of him to her friends back home.

  • Lucifer: Lil... ith...

Insult after insult, detail after detail, slander and libel... It never ends. After looking through only a fifth of the chat logs, Lucifer cannot bring himself to look at any more.

  • Lucifer: But... I thought we... I thought this... this was supposed to be... special...! I thought she cared... She... We fucked...
  • Lilith: LUCI, LUCI, LUCI!!!

He cringes at the sound of her voice. Frantically hiding her phone, Lucifer waits for her to find him.

  • Lilith: Luci, come on! You must be hungry after today! Come home, or the police will get you for copyright infringement and child porn!
  • Lucfier: Coming... (So... This is how it's been. And it'll end just the same as it did... Five years ago... No... Things... Things won't play out as they did before. No... This'll end in my favor. I'll ensure it. I'll learn EVERYTHING... And I'll know why. I won't wonder anymore... And I won't go through that hideous nightmare again. You will rue the day you decided to cross me, Lilith...)

Lucifer keeps his head hung low throughout the slow walk home.

  • Lilith: Wait a second... OH, THE GAME!!! Who won the game, Luci?
  • Lucifer: ... Beats me.
  • Lilith: Well, you killed the robot, so I guess you won! CONGRATS, LUCI!!! You conquered the mechanical animals that were the Poles! Hipster Hitler can eat shit!
  • Lucifer: Yiff yiff.
  • Lilith: Yiff yiff? You want some furry porn?
  • Lucifer: No.
  • Lilith: Aw, what's wrong then? Has your high worn out already? Damn... That was some good blow too... Oh well. You'll get over it. Home's ahead, Luci! Maybe a frozen dinner will cheer you up!

Entering the house, they find that Mother has returned, distraught over her eviction from Jigsteel's abode.

  • Mother: DON'T TOUCH ME... OR I'LL KILL YOU!!!
  • Father: Why you gotta be like that, baby?
  • Mother: He was what I always wanted... He was LONG, TAN, and HANDSOME!!! Everything YOU aren't! And maybe... just maybe... I could have had a child with him... that would atone for that FUCK-UP OVER THERE!!!
  • Lilith: Don't be so mean to your new Führer! He has saved you from the Bolshevist Pole, the splinter of humanity! You should be groveling on your knees, THANKING HIM! C'mon, Luci, let's get a pizza in the oven!
  • Lucifer: I'm tired and I'm going to bed.
  • Mother: DON'T WAKE UP!!! YOU MAKE ME HAAAAAAAAAAATE MYSEEEEEEEEEEELF!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE MY CUNT EVER SPIT OUT SOMETHING AS UGLY AS YOOOUUU!!!
  • Father: You won, Luci! Lilith's yours now! Take her with you, please! Your mother and I have some business to take care of!
  • Mother: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU DAMN FOOL?!?!

Father strips both Mother and himself, with Mother being overcome by the base, insignificant urge for sexual gratification. She lifts him up by his legs and fellates him, while Father performs cunnilingus. Pausing for a moment, Father lifts his head and looks at Lucifer as he leaves the kitchen.

  • Father: THE CLASSIC 69, LUCIFER!!! YOU CAN DO NO BETTER!!!
  • Lucifer: Yep.

Slamming and locking his door behind him, Lucifer throws himself on his bed, barely able to stomach Lilith's scent, which saturates the entire room. He rummages through her phone, reading the chat logs over and over again, as if to torture himself.

  • Lucifer: "Idiot"... "Faggot"... "Emo"... "Cocksucker"... "Everyone's bitch"... "Coward"... Don't you realize you're insulting yourself, you dumb bitch?! I am what I am because of you! We're just alike... Or we WERE, but then that thing... that thing hit you... Unless I'm missing something, you put this whole persona together as a facade, just to have fun on some stupid mission to recover this "object". What's this fucking "object"? Why did you fuck me over for so long? Why couldn't you have... %&(*&(&(^&^^T$^%&#?!?!?! I don't know...
  • Lilith: Luci? Why do you have the door locked?
  • Lucifer: I FEEL SICK, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Lilith obliges, leaving Lucifer to wallow in his confusion and indecision. He cannot bring himself to face her. The hours tick by, with his absence, as always, going unnoticed by his family, with the unusual exception of Grandfather.

  • Grandfather: Open up, Lucifer! I left my laptop in there and I need it back!

Lucifer opens the door and tosses it at Grandfather's face, knocking him unconscious. Shutting the door, he sits in front of his desktop and is appalled by his own reflection. His eyes are wide-open and bloodshot, with dark, heavy bags under both, and his mouth oozing copious amounts of drool from both ends. The inevitable question comes.

  • Lilith: LUCI, HAVE YOU SEEN MY PHONE?

Lucifer hesitates, unwilling to lie to Lilith.

  • Lucifer: (She lied to me... Why can't I give her the same treatment?! Why can't I just say no?!)

In his panic, Lucifer crushes the phone and breaks down his door.

  • Lilith: Hey, have you-
  • Lucifer: HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!!!

Lucifer cups the pieces in his hand and crams them down his throat, swallowing them as fast as he can.

  • Lucifer: I se- EGCK!!!
  • Lilith: You what?

Unfortunately, one particularly large and sharp piece has lodged itself in Lucifer's esophagus. Out of desperation, he attempts to induce himself to vomit by touching his uvula, but the piece blocks the vomit, making the situation even worse.

  • Lucifer: *RAW-GRRPH-GGGGRRRGGLE*

Lucifer desperately attempts to signal to Lilith that he is choking, wrapping one hand around his throat and pointing at his mouth with the other.

  • Lilith: You're choking?

Lucifer nods fervently. Lilith takes a rather unusual approach to dislodging the object: instead of the usual Heimlich maneuver, she punches his throat repeatedly. When this fails, she summons all of her strength and hits Lucifer on the top of his head, not only dislodging the phone piece, but also sending it flying out of a nearby window and knocking him unconscious.

  • Lucifer: Why on earth did I do that......?

Lucifer's unconscious muttering disturbs Lilith, and she leaves him on the floor. Remaining there until morning, he is harshly awakened with a stiletto heel in his chest, coming from none other than Lilith.

  • Lucifer: Uugghh...
  • Lilith: Want a ride, choker?
  • Lucifer: Brrmmm... Whaevea...
  • Lilith: Whatever?
  • Lucifer: Huh...? I mean NO!!!
  • Lilith: Why not?

Presented with an opportunity to confront Lilith, Lucifer instead opts for an excuse once again.

  • Lucifer: I need the exercise.

Lilith says nothing further, leaving without Lucifer. Lucifer walks to school alone, reaching the school nearly half an hour late. Fuse, incompetent as she is, fails to notice this, and Lucifer takes his seat. Dawid and Enrique have taken different seats at the other side of the class, away from him. More importantly for him, however, they have taken up residence next to a clique that has been a thorn in his side for years. Lucifer walks up to them.

  • Lucifer: And what the fuck is this shit?!
  • Dawid: C'mon, we needed a change, Luci!
  • Lucifer: Sitting next to my enemies... Chatting with my enemies... That's what you call a change, huh?! What about you, Enrique?!

Enrique ignores him.

  • Lucifer: You motherf-
  • Dawid: Hey, hey...

Dawid leads Lucifer to the other side of the room and whispers in his ear.

  • Dawid: M'kay... I wanted to get to know them because... They have this really hot girl over their with them... They say she'll fuck all of them in one night if they get her drunk enough! I thought Enrique and I could FINALLY get some tail if we got to know their crowd! She's such a slut, Luci! Maybe you just don't know them well enough! Give 'em another chance!

Lucifer pushes Dawid away, a sour look on his face.

  • Lucifer: Ahem... Lessee here, "buddy"... I had to defend your sorry asses from these SWAGGOT fucktards a few years ago, and now you're brown-nosing these assholes JUST so you can get some well-worn bitch's cunt? Is that what I'm worth for you, Dawid? A whore's cunt?
  • Dawid: Buddy-
  • Lucifer: I'm not your "buddy", you stupid, slobbering, crooked-toothed, four-eyed son of a bitch. You go over there and see how well those shitheads treat you. I can guarantee that you won't even get that whore's cunt. I look forward to seeing you and Enrique in a snapback and saggy pants in a vain attempt to get these motherfucker's respect. Now get the fuck out of my sight.

Dawid silently obliges, a passing look of guilt on his face. Lucifer stares at them, his eyes full of hatred that could cow the flames of Hell.

  • Lucifer: Bitch.
  • Lilith: Who is?

Lilith's voice makes Lucifer jump in fear.

  • Lucifer: ... Nobody.
  • Lilith: So you're just saying that to say it? Are you rehearsing a role or something? Gonna become a big voice actor one day? Maybe you could fuck Aya Hirano one day! I hear she's really easy, Luci!
  • Lucifer: ...
  • Lilith: Come on, why the face?
  • Lucifer: ...

Lilith twists Lucifer's head toward her and imitates his expression, attempting to elicit a reaction.

  • Lilith: Le Akira Kogami Face!
  • Lucifer: ... Are you done?
  • Lilith: Come on, at least smile... Idiot...
  • Lucifer: Ahahahaha.
  • Lilith: What's so funny?
  • Lucifer: This isn't the first time you've called me "idiot".
  • Lilith: You don't say?

Lucifer summons all of the courage he has and prepares to finally confront Lilith about the chat log.

  • Lucifer: INDEED I DON'T SAY!!! YOU SAID THAT MANY A TIME WITH YOUR REAL FRIEND BACK... WHEREVER IT IS YOU CAME FROM!!!

Lucifer's shouting draws the attention of the entire class.

  • Fuse: Qu-

Lucifer throws his pencil at Fuse, which grazes her ear and penetrates the chalk board behind her.

  • Lucifer: THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!!! Now then...
  • Lilith: Tell me exactly what I said.
  • Lucifer: You... You...
  • Lilith: You studied it, but you obviously didn't study it well enough, since you can't name anything.
  • Lucifer: RRRRGGH!!! 652 INSTANCES OF "IDIOT"!!! 512 INSTANCES OF "FAGGOT"!!! 499 INSTANCES OF "EMO"!!! 411 INSTANCES OF "COCKSUCKER"!!! 365 INSTANCES OF "EVERYONE'S BITCH"!!! 211 INSTANCES OF "COWARD"!!!
  • Lilith: Well, I'm guessing you got my phone. So what happened to it?
  • Lucifer: Here's your fucking DEMON PHONE!!!

Lucifer jumps onto Lilith's desk, pulls down his pants, and strains as hard as he can, his face turning a bright red. After five excruciating minutes, Lucifer has defecated all of the digested remnants of Lilith's phone onto her desk, making sure to clean himself, as well as the wounds he suffered from the jagged plastic, afterwards.

  • Lucifer: AH HAH!!!
  • Lilith: ...

The class is silent, awaiting Lilith's counter.

  • Lilith: Hah... Luci, I fear you have just dug your own grave.
  • Lucifer: ?!
  • Lilith: You thought I loved you. You thought we had something special. If nothing else, you thought we had a close friendship. You think that I slandered your name in front of my friends out of the coldness of my heart, but think for a second. The readers could see it all if they looked carefully. You flawlessly cosplayed as a neko schoolGIRL (faggot), you were a stereotypical depressive young man at the start of the story (emo), you submit to the worst of our authority figures without question, only rebelling when there's someone like me there to give you the balls (everyone's bitch), and you can't even face me about this whole issue until you've had almost a day to build up courage (coward).
  • Lucifer: (She's got me pinned! What do I do?! What do I say?!)
  • Lilith: Perhaps your most glaring flaw is your intelligence. I could give any number of examples, but I'll give only the most important one. You put everything you had into one person. You trusted that person with your innermost secrets. You loved that person unconditionally, expecting your love to be returned someday. You were putty in that person's hand, to be used however they pleased. You based your happiness upon the deeds of that person: acknowledgement, acceptance, acclaim, affection, and so on, and so on. Anything positive thing that person did, so long as it was directed at you, made you happy. You never realized how foolish it was to base your happiness upon the deeds of others. You never realized that what is given can be taken away, as it inevitably would be. And it goes without saying, "that person" was yours truly. Now tell me, who is the wrong one here?
  • Lucifer: ... (She minced me to bits... I was... all of it...? I was... all of it...)

Lucifer collapses to his knees. Looking to his former friends, he sees a smirk on the faces of their newfound friends. His enemies choke back laughter as Dawid looks on, the same expression on his face as before, while the apathetic Enrique ignores all around him. Lilith stands up and prepares to leave.

  • Lilith: ... Of course... I still have business with you... But first, I have to take care of... other duties.

Lilith leaves a devastated Lucifer sobbing on the dirty classroom floor. Raising his head, Lucifer's expression shifts from one of despondency to one of determination.

  • Lucifer: (There was something to this... You had something for me... I know it...! You had to... I'll wake it up! That thing made you lose your mind... That damned... Meteor?! It doesn't matter what it was... There was something there before... I'll have to bring it to the surface once more! I'm not gonna give up yet!)

Lucifer begins his self-assured swagger out of the room, but a shrill shout stops him in the doorway.

  • Fuse: STOP!!! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!

Lucifer slowly turns his head towards Fuse.

  • Lucifer: ... I'mma do things, Fusie. The gypsy's in me.
  • Fuse: THEN GET IT OUT!!! YOU'VE BEEN AN INSUFFERABLE DELINQUENT EVER SINCE I'VE COME HERE, AND I HAVEN'T DISCIPLINED YOU ONCE!!!
  • Lucifer: Exactly. You suck at your job, so why should I stay when I won't even learn anything?

As Lucifer leaves, the infuriated Fuse throws her nearby stapler against a window, failing to so much as crack it. Angrily marching out of the room, she fires a parting shot at the remaining students.

  • Fuse: Well, since I can't impart any "valuable" knowledge, you can teach yourselves! I'll enjoy seeing you filthy half-wits begging passerby for handouts! I QUIT!!!
  • Enrique: It was only a matter of time...
  • Dawid: Luci... I'm sorry... But I gots to get le taiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil...! You're with me, right, Enrique?!
  • Enrique: Not really.

Lucifer continues on to the middle of the city, the bell of the clock tower signalling the arrival of noon.

  • Lucifer: The day's already half over... So, how am I gonna do this?

Thinking for fifteen minutes finally yields an answer...

  • Lucifer: I HAVE IT!!! I'LL MAKE HER JEALOUS!!!

... albeit a poor one. Nevertheless, Lucifer dashes out, seeking to live as much as he can through the remainder of the day.

  • Lucifer: Surely... Surely if she sees how happy I am without her, she'll know how happy she can be with me!

Meanwhile, Jigsteel, Bitchdick, and numerous agents are looking for the "object" at the misty borders of the city, to no avail.

  • Jigsteel: LOOK HARDER, YOU RETARDED FAIRY FAGGOTS!!!
  • Agent: There has to be a better way to do this! We've searched the borders all night, but we STILL haven't found anything!
  • Jigsteel: That's because you're FAGS!!!
  • Agent: Then you get down here and do it!

Narrowing his eyes at the defiant agent, Jigsteel retreats to his tank.

  • Jigsteel: Idiots can't do anything right... They don't know anything... I can't face that... that MONSTER...!!! You know, don't you, Bitchdick? I gotta order the niggers around for the plantation owner's sake! I've got priorities, Bitchdick! Only they can take the heat of the city's sun!
  • Bitchdick: .........

Suddenly, Jigsteel's phone rings. The voice on the other end is a deep, yet feminine, one that he does not recognize.

  • Jigsteel: What do you want?!
  • ???: Come outside, Mr. President...

Obeying the stranger, Jigsteel and Bitchdick exit the tank. The stranger is a female wearing a tattered robe.

  • Jigsteel: What do you want, skell?! I don't have all the time in the world!
  • ???: I got something RARE for ya, Mr. President...

Pulling a small stone out of her forehead, the stranger places it in Jigsteel's hands.

  • Jigsteel: This power...
  • ???: Chunk it.
  • Jigsteel: What?
  • ???: Throw it out there, in the mist.
  • Jigsteel: Why-
  • ???: Shut up! I know how to use me own product, sir! NOW THROW IT!

Jigsteel throws the stone in the misty abyss, expecting some sort of grand display. He is disappointed.

  • Jigsteel: Well, that was a good waste of time, skell! Get the hell out-

The land begins to tremble under their feet, the mist glowing a vivid red. A figure rises from the mist, its eyes slowly opening.

  • Agents: THE OBJECT!!!
  • Jigsteel: DON'T JUST STAND THERE, YOU IDIOTS!!! CATCH IT!!!

As Jigsteel begins to run toward the figure, the stranger stops him.

  • Jigsteel: What're you doing?!

Pulling back her hood, the stranger reveals her familiar face.

  • Lilith: How's it hangin', Jiggy?
  • Jigsteel: Sin Drive 1...
  • Lilith: You only call me that because you know I hate it.
  • Jigsteel: Bitchdick, take her out! She isn't of any use to us anymore!
  • Bitchdick: ............ No.
  • Jigsteel: Why do you choose to talk back now?! My... OUR goal is so close!
  • Bitchdick: Your*
  • Lilith: It's always better to have a girlfriend than a bitch, Jiggy.
  • Jigsteel: You shut up!

Unfortunately, Bitchdick's actions have wasted too much time. The figure has fully awakened, and it has slaughtered all of Jigsteel's starving agents.

  • Jigsteel: Bitchdick, what do your sensors say about its threat level?!
  • Bitchdick: ...............
  • Jigsteel: Ghk! There's no way that can be right! You make every little joke fall flat on its face! You really are a bitch!

The figure sprouts tentacles, impaling the bodies of the dead agents and draining them of their remaining energy. Unsatisfied, it sends its tentacles at Jigsteel and Bitchdick, impaling them both.

  • Bitchdick: I regret nothing.
  • Jigsteel: This is... UNACCEPTABLE!!! I will not be drained by a mere OBJECT!!!
  • Lilith: (Excellent. Everything's coming together swimmingly. That's good. I wonder what Mister Idiot is up to?)

Naturally, Lucifer has simply degenerated into amorality and debauchery, spending all of what little money his parents have on blow and booze. As 3:00 nears, Lucifer still finds himself unsatisfied and unhappy. How can he possibly make Lilith jealous of his life like this?

  • Lucifer: I don't think this was such a good idea...

Stumbling down the street, he bumps into young women returning home from school.

  • Girl 1: Excuse me... Are you alright?
  • Lucifer: I've been better... Hm, you're kind of a butch, aintcha?
  • Girl 1: I just like my hair short...
  • Girl 2: Don't listen to him, it's prettier that way!

As the girls continue to talk about hair, Lucifer sits there in a daze. Of all the moves he could make at this point, what would make Lilith the most jealous? What can he do that she absolutely CANNOT get anywhere else? What could he do to make himself more desirable?

  • Lucifer: What are your names?
  • Girls: Uuuhhh...
  • Lucifer: That's okay, you can tell me later. I want to take you two somewhere.

Whisking them off to god-knows-where, a single, unsound thought rings in Lucifer's head.

  • Lucifer: (I'll cheat... I'll cheat... She'll... She'll respond to that...???)

Meanwhile, a frustrated Jigsteel fights the figure, attempting to steal its energy.

  • Jigsteel: I don't know who you are... I don't know what you are... But I needed you! You were the lynchpin... The lynchpin to my plan of ABSOLUTE GLOBAL DOMINANCE!!! I'll suck you dry ALL BY MYSELF!!!

Gripping the creature's tentacle tightly, Jigsteel tears it out of his body and sticks it in his mouth, biting it as hard as he can. Jigsteel drinks the its blood, slowly draining both its energy and Bitchdick's, the latter collapsing and the former falling back into the mist. As the energy integrates into Jigsteel's system, he grows larger and larger, shredding through his clothes as he does, until he towers over the city. Lilith rushes to catch the falling figure, cradling it in her arms.

  • Lilith: It's okay... I'll save you...

Looking up at the upright Jigsteel, Lilith notes that one thing hasn't changed.

  • Lilith: That's just sad! Every aspect of your ugly body grows EXCEPT what defines your existence?! HAH!!!
  • Jigsteel: HOLD YOUR TONGUE... JIGSTEEL ALWAYS HAS A PLAN!!!

Jigsteel eyes the phallic obelisk.

  • Jigsteel: YOUR TIME HAS FINALLY COME...

As Jigsteel marches ever so slowly to the obelisk, Lucifer continues his contemptible cavorting atop Ohydny Tower. No, the city isn't Ohydny. The tower was made there, that's all. Why not just set the whole story in Ohydny? Well...

  • Lucifer: So, you're Chica?

The blond-haired, blue-eyed Chica nods.

  • Lucifer: And you're Luca?
  • Luca: Yes!

After the brunette, brown-eyed Luca voices her approval, the three talk among themselves for less than ten minutes before Lucifer makes his intentions clear.

  • Lucifer: Listen... I just met you two, and this is crazy, but my "girlfriend" hates me and I'm trying to make her love me by cheating on her, so fuck me maybe?

The girls stare at him for a moment, wide-eyed and somewhat confused, before nodding. Undressing the demure Luca, Lucifer makes an unpleasant discovery: she is a he.

  • Lucifer: God... why...?

Looking at the undressed Chica, Lucifer finds something similar in the same region. Shrugging his shoulders and rolling his eyes, Lucifer decides to grin and bear it. He silently decides to be the seme. Unfortunately, the pairs expressions indicate their desire for him to be the uke.

  • Lucifer: Oh, come on! I thought you were girls! You screwed me over, and now I have to take it in the ass?!

The pair cannot be dissuaded, and Lucifer is unwilling to leave this without SOMETHING. Thus, the trio have a threesome atop the communications tower, in full view of several photographers beneath them. While ChicO and LucaS are enjoying themselves, Lucifer is barely able to endure the surprisingly well-endowed Lucas.

  • Lucifer: (I feel defiled... I prefer Lilith's brand of sodomy... Hm?) Oh shit...

Lucifer sees Jigsteel marching toward the obelisk. As the latter finally lays hold on its base, he screams in triumph.

  • Jigsteel: VICTORY, THY NAME IS JIGSTEEL!!!

Hoisting the obelisk up above his head, Jigsteel proceeds to slam it on his crotch, with his now deficient penis working its way into a special cavity.

  • Jigsteel: I SEE YOU THERE, FOOL...
  • Lucifer: *GULP* (How can they not notice him?! Are they that into it?!?!)
  • Jigsteel: LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW THIS OBELISK NEVER HAD ANY DOORS? IT WAS A WORKPLACE... BUT THE ONES WHO WORKED THERE NEVER LEFT. THE STEAM THEY MADE, THAT IT VENTED, EVERY DAY WAS MAKING SOMETHING SPECIAL. FIVE WORKERS. FIVE THINGS!

As he speaks, his scrotum becomes bigger. Where were two testicles, there are now seven.

  • Jigsteel: WHEN SEVEN GATHER, THE MIGHTY BEAST AWAKENS FROM ITS SLUMBER!!! DO YOU KNOW WHO IT IS?!?!?!
  • Lucifer: It can't be...

The obelisk erupts steam one last time, covering the entire city in a thick fog. The citizens begin to chant, and Lucifer's worst fears are confirmed.

  • Citizens: Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap Soap!
  • Lucifer: Jigsteel, stop! You're going to kill us all!
  • Jigsteel: AHAHAHEHEUEHEEHUAHUHAHBUAHEBHNHOAHGOHEAONBOIHNRHIGOANBOHO!!!

As the obelisk lets out one final squeal, the beast held within finally breaks loose. This is no ordinary beast, but a lecherous, stoned snake, transformed into a gigantic dragon.

  • Citizens: SOAP SOAP SOAP SOAP SOAP SOAP SOAP SOAP SOAP SOAP SOAP SOAP SOAP SOAP SOAP SOAP SOAP!!!
  • Lilith: Hehehe... All's going according to plan, my beloved... Kebert...
  • Lucifer: This is- GAAAAAAAAAGH!!!
  • Chico & Lucas: OOOOOHHHHH!!! Oh... Ha...
  • Lucifer: AND YOU CUM NOW, WHY?!!?!? Damn it all! I have to do something!

Hastily throwing his clothes back on, Lucifer runs out into the streets, intending to do all within his power to stop the evil dragon of absolute destruction that is Soap.

  • Jigsteel: I SEE YOU, YOUNG 'UN!
  • Lucifer: What're you gonna do, squish me?! You'll squish me?!
  • Jigsteel: YOU TRULY BELIEVE THAT MY GAINS ARE LIMITED TO SIZE? FOOL! THE SCOPE OF JIGSTEEL, THE GREAT MIGHTY PRESIDENT'S, POWER IS UNFATHOMABLE TO MERE MORTALS SUCH AS YOU! BEHOLD!!!

Jigsteel raises both hands and lets out a loud droning noise, summoning unholy aids from space.

  • Lucifer: What sorcery is this?!
  • Jigsteel: FEAST YOUR EYES... ON MY SPACE NIGGAS!!!

The ghetto trash pummels Lucifer mercilessly, each one exploding in a big, bloody mess on impact. Lucifer is battered, but undeterred.

  • Lucifer: I won't back down!
  • Jigsteel: THEN TASTE THIS, YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS!!!
  • Lucifer: You wouldn't... It's too early to bring out the trump card! We have to fight a little longer! I haven't even gotten a blow in!
  • Jigsteel: JIGSTEEL PLAYS BY NO ONE'S RULES, NOT EVEN HIS OWN! NOW... SUBMIT!!!

This time, Jigsteel summons a horde of busty, horny lolis, otherwise known as Lucifer's reason for existence prior to meeting Lilith. With the falsehood of their relationship in mind, Lucifer cannot resist his old nemesis. As before, they batter Lucifer, each exploding on impact, but this time with a cry that hurts Lucifer's sensitive heart.

  • Lucifer: YOU CRUEL BASTARD!!!
  • Jigsteel: AND NOW FOR THE COUP DE GRACE!!!

The final blow shall come from none other than-

  • Lucifer: Based Ika... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Before the revived Based Ika hits him, she utters one last statement.

  • Ika: I love you, Onii-chan...

As the giant squid loli plows into Lucifer, he can only think of those last few words. So pitiful, so tender, so final... is the gleam of true love, the reward for loyal worship, shattered only by harsh reality.

  • Lucifer: ... I thought, if only for a second, that I had only killed De Geso... The Swaggot Ika... The false Ika... That kept me going... But now YOU... YOU yourself... You're dead... The only one who ever really loved me... Dead...

In the crater created by Ika's suicidal attack, Lucifer is on his knees, choking back tears in his eyes, ignoring his injuries. Suddenly, a sharp wind blows from his back.

  • Lilith: And you wonder why I don't love you... You aren't even a man, Lucifer.

With Kebert in her arms, Lilith flies forth to face Jigsteel.

  • Lilith: Pretty low of you to exploit his weakness so early on! Where's the flair? Your fight with him should have taken much longer!
  • Jigsteel: THE TYRANNOSAURUS HAS NO PATIENCE FOR THE ANTS BENEATH HIS FEET! STEP ASIDE, OR I'LL LEVEL THIS CITY WITH MY TRUUUUE POOOOWEEEER!!!
  • Lilith: I'll take my chances! HEY, ASSHOLE!
  • Lucifer: Say huh...?
  • Lilith: MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL AND TAKE CARE OF KEBERT!

Throwing the nearly powerless Kebert at Lucifer, the impact is softened by Lucifer's unmoving body.

  • Lilith: Now then, let's finish this! Your role is done, Shitsteel!
  • Jigsteel: I'LL CRAM THOSE WORDS BACK DOWN YOUR THROAT, WHORE!!! SOAP!!! YOUR TIME HAS COME!!!

Soap rises from beneath the fog, revealing his true form as an antlered, whiskered, and wingless dragon. Towering over the city with his usual stoned face, he lecherously glares at Lilith.

  • Lilith: I ain't no whore, Soapy.
  • Soap: Nos, tihs!
  • Lilith: Hm?

The mighty dragon tilts his head back and gargles a strange, white liquid before spitting it all in Lilith's direction, flooding the city. Having gotten a drop on her finger, Lilith sniffs the liquid.

  • Lilith: ... It smells like... coins... It's... semen... Hmph! I would expect no less from a snake-penis!

Surprisingly, the near-catatonic Lucifer has not fallen victim to the sticky, putrid semen, instead finding himself on a skyscraper not far away from Jigsteel.

  • Lucifer: You brought me here... Why did you bring me here...?
  • Kebert: You should watch. Do you see who is fighting out there?
  • Lucifer: Lilith and Jigsteel...
  • Kebert: And who do you think will win?
  • Lucifer: Jigsteel...
  • Kebert: Eh? I'm... surprised. We actually agree on something.
  • Lucifer: What??

Getting a clear look at the figure for the first time, Lucifer is caught off guard by the sheer masculinity he exudes. Standing in the sunlight, his complexion is shown to be neither too pale nor too tan. His eyes are sky blue, and his shoulder-length blond hair and incredible muscles gleam in the sunlight.

  • Lucifer: Who are you?
  • Kebert: I am Kebert Skela. I am the one she was seeking. You may have known me as the "object".
  • Lucifer: (So she wasn't seeking something, but someone?) Why was she looking for you?
  • Kebert: Kinsoku jikou desu.
  • Lucifer: I'm sick of hearing that.
  • Kebert: Well... I can't tell you everything, but I can tell you about one thing that undoubtedly played a role. She loves me.

Even though the revelation that there was someone else was anticipated, it still manages to shock Lucifer.

  • Lucifer: (But... Why did she play like she...???)
  • Kebert: I never liked her. Do you know what I mean? Just look at her... That black hair, those green eyes, that emo getup... She's gross.

Lucifer's shocked expression fades, with one of anger replacing it.

  • Lucifer: (He sounds like those swaggots at school...) Well, what would you want, hm???
  • Kebert: Just imagine me with a cunt.

Lucifer's frown grows bigger.

  • Kebert: I mean, I don't like muscled girls, but how could you get any better than me? ME??? No way. I'm hot, she's not. I wouldn't waste a moment of my time with her. Were I not marooned here, I would kill that dick monster and her in one fell swoop.

Lucifer's frown grows ever bigger, and he struggles to suppress his murderous intent.

  • Lucifer: (What a fucking prick! What the hell makes me any worse than this asshole?! HE'S gross, not HER!)
  • Kebert: By the way, I understand that you and that beast out there somehow stole some of my power.

Lucifer's look remains angry and defiant as the arrogant Kebert forces himself in his face.

  • Kebert: I wouldn't get cocky if I were you.
  • Lucifer: I don't think I'm the cocky one here, you gentry motherfucker.

Kebert raises his brows, surprised that he was insulted by such a "low" existence. Balling his fist, Kebert stops himself. Preparing to leave, he turns his head to Lucifer one last time.

  • Kebert: Everybody gets one. If you think that emo virgin is worth your time and effort, then by all means follow her. If you hope she'll crack and accept you one day, you're dead wrong. She cracked a long time ago, and now she wants me as a result. She wants something so many FIT women have had: my love.
  • Lucifer: Your ugly gentry cum?
  • Kebert: That's all it is, pleb. CUM. There's nothing else to it, and that's something you and her don't seem to get. I'll see you again, and next time, I won't be so merciful.

Teleporting to parts unknown, Kebert leaves Lucifer to stew in his rage. He cannot aid in this fight. He cannot steal Lilith's quarry. This fight will go by faster if he sits it out. Indeed, the mighty Jigsteel is falling fast, but Soap is another story, remaining on even ground with Lilith.

  • Lucifer: You'd reject me for that egomaniac... I don't get it. I'll never get it. But... was that really my plan before? To keep trying until you cracked? And now...
  • Lilith: An idiot dragon giving me more trouble than the freak he's attached to... What bullshit is this?
  • Jigsteel: WHAT'RE YOU DOING, SOAP?! FINISH HER!!!

Soap turns his head to Jigsteel and says-

  • Soap: Brrrrrmmm... No...

The look in his eyes is all too familiar.

  • Jigsteel: DAMMIT, BITCHDICK!!! WHY DID YOU TAKE OVER MY MANHOOD?!?!?!?!!?!?

Biting Jigsteel's head off, Soap then rips out his seven testicles and detaches himself from Jigsteel's body.

  • Soap: I will rise... and be the mighty CUMDRAGON OVERGOD!!!

Looking on the scene before him, Lucifer can only ask why such a powerful, intelligent, and talented young woman would waste her time on such a man as Kebert. His expression matches his sadness and confusion.

  • Lucifer: It's so cruel... All of it...
  • Lilith: Hm... That arrangement looks really original, Shenron! Or is it Porunga?
  • Soap: What are you talking about?!
  • Lilith: Seven starred balls and a giant dragon? What's next? You'll grant me wishes?
  • Soap: They're starred?

In his one lapse of concentration, Lilith destroys the seven Soap Testicles, putting an end to the wicked Jigsteel, Bitchdick, and Soap for good (?). Jigsteel's still-living head rolls about in agony at his defeat.

  • Jigsteel: OHHHH, WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD!! TO BE BESTED BY A MERE EMO... IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL!!! MARK MY WORDS, LILITH, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

With every breath, the once-great President shrinks ever smaller, until only a talking head the size of a fingernail remains. With his size, his bravery has shrunk as well, and he quivers as Lilith approaches him.

  • Lilith: Hmmm...
  • Jigsteel: Well, I guess I've got some 'splaining to do, huh?

The smiling Lilith lifts her boot and hovers over the cowering Jigsteel.

  • Jigsteel: Huh?! No, wait! NO, NOT THE FACE!!!

Little more than a dull tap on the pavement signals the unspectacular end of the Great Mighty President and his cohorts. The sea of semen has left the city, filling the misty void outside. Lucifer meekly walks toward Lilith, wishing to know why she would pursue Kebert.

  • Lucifer: Hey-
  • Lilith: What have you been up to all day?
  • Lucifer: Uh...
  • Lilith: Trick question. I know everything, Lucifer.
  • Lucifer: *GULP*
  • Lilith: You would've lied to me, Lucifer. How would that make you worthy of me? And how would tearing down your morals and living like an irresponsible teenager make me jealous? You've only given me MORE reasons not to love you, Lucifer.

Lucifer hangs his head, ashamed. What could have been an opportunity to show her his worth degenerated into a disgusting display of foolishness. He can hardly call Kebert a bad person when he himself is so foolish. His efforts were doomed from the start. And how could he claim he loves Lilith when he doesn't even know what she loves in a man? And how is he worthy when he wouldn't even be true to himself? The questions flow on and on, crushing him under their weight. Calling her motorcycle, Lilith readies to ride off and find Kebert.

  • Lilith: I won't be at school tomorrow.

Easing closer to Lucifer, Lilith whispers in his ear.

  • Lilith: Beyond the woods... Beyond the cemetery... Tomorrow, no later than 6:00 A.M.

The evening sun setting, Lilith rides off to find Kebert. Lucifer's mind is shattered. As he brings himself to his feet, rain begins to trickle down, eventually becoming a downpour. Walking home, Lucifer does not notice the abnormal, zombie-like behavior of the people he passes. With the occasional mud puddle impeding his efforts, he finally makes it back home, the sun long gone from the horizon. His thoughts drift back to five years ago.

  • Lucifer: (That time... I was happy then... I had so many friends... And you... The closest thing to a real lover I ever had... But you had someone else. I had no place but as a friend... But at least I knew you were with someone who loved you...)

The doors to his house are, strangely, unlocked. Taking off his sopping wet clothes and muddy shoes, he enters his dark, dingy house. Even the lights seem dimmer than usual. On the unusually lock-covered refrigerator, he finds a note.

  • Lucifer: "Gone to town for a drink. We left you a Pepsi next to the fridge. DO NOT OPEN THE FRIDGE UNTIL WE GET BACK OR THE CONSEQUENCES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!!" Hah, I love it. "THE CONSEQUENCES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!!", haha. I'm terrified.

Sure enough, a cup of Pepsi sits next to the refrigerator, the ice having melted.

  • Lucifer: Cheers...

Downing the Pepsi with one gulp, Lucifer throws the cup in the sink and goes to his room, shutting and locking the door as per usual, despite the fact that there's no one else in the house. He sits down in front of his computer, seeking solace in his music, but even that fails to numb his mind. His memories continue to attack him.

  • Lucifer: (One day, my parents told me that we had to move because my father had gotten transferred. When I broke the news, I could see sadness in your eyes. I knew we had such good times together, and I didn't want to leave... But I knew that it didn't really have to be goodbye. We exchanged emails, phone numbers, our Skypes... We never needed them before, since we lived so close together, but the move necessitated other means of contact. The move was certainly difficult... Our old dog could barely handle it, and we got on each other's nerves a little, but we got the job done within a month. I adjusted quickly, and we kept contact, just as we said we would. The future was so bright... so hopeful...)

Lucifer takes out an old photo album, and he immediately notices something missing: no pictures of his friends or family. Only blank page after blank page. He remembers looking through it almost weekly as a toddler, entertaining himself on memories that, at the time, seemed like far-away times. His life went by so fast. Too fast. He begins to tremble, and the storm outside intensifies, the wind howling against the house and the lightning illuminating the skies above.

  • Lucifer: (But then... I had a nightmare... I had a horrible nightmare... It was indescribable... I remembered it, but I couldn't speak of it... I couldn't put it into words... I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. When I woke up, I called one of you... I wanted to talk about it. To get it out of my head. When I called you... you didn't recognize my voice. When I told you who I was, you hung up. I contacted you everywhere... but you didn't answer. I tried talking to our mutual friends... but they did the same thing. By the end of the week, all of my old friends had abandoned me. I didn't know what was happening. And then I called you... My... closest friend... the procedure was the same... but when I told you my name, you stayed on the line. For fifteen minutes, you just stood there. I heard you breathing. When I heard you speak, I was ecstatic. I thought you might have an answer... but instead, you told me that... "Don't ever talk to me again."... And that was it. In less than a week, I lost all of my friends. The next week, my parents didn't come home until the weekend. They were drunk and livid, and they beat me in my sleep, with my father pulling me out of bed, punching my teeth out, and choking me until I was unconscious. The morning after, the house was in ruins, and I was ordered to clean it. And so I did. Cleaning the food off of the floor... wiping the drinks off the floor... painting over the blood on the wall left over from their fights... And every night thereafter, they fought and fought... I was holed up in here, crying with our dog... And then you killed him, father. You drowned him in the sink, and I was to bury him in the ditch outside, in the cold December rain, with him wrapped up in paper towels... They lost their jobs in January. Father became, thin, weak, and lecherous, while mother became fat, ugly, and hateful. My classmates were no exceptions. While they were indifferent at the worst before, now they hated me. The only friends I could find were Dawid and Enrique, and they... are gone now... And now, it feels like it's happening all over again. History is repeating... But now, I myself am to blame. I know I was wrong... I know I was foolish... But... Can't I redeem myself somehow...?)

Staring into the closed shutter, Lucifer is unfazed by the booming lightning outside. He decides that he cannot. Only one course is left to take. He has no plan for it. He will cross the bridge when he comes to it. This... calls for no plan. It is in no one's hands. Sitting still in the den of despair that is his dark room, Lucifer's thoughts go on without pause. He looks around at his room, sparsely furnished with only a bed, desk, and chair. The wall is the most decorated, with numerous painted dream catchers hung on it, along with two small, clay headdresses, one bearing a chip from a fall during one of his parents' fights. Lucifer's eyes drift back to his computer, browsing the Internet randomly, barely even reading the pages before going to another on impulse. His thoughts continue to gnaw at him.

  • Lucifer: (The year after was Hell on Earth. I was left with nothing but myself, someone who I had come to loathe. The sky was always overcast that year. It didn't matter, since I was always in my room, with the shutters shut. And my own body... It was like it was trying to kill me. To end its own existence. I couldn't sleep... because if I slept, the nightmare would come again, only in a different form. I was never hungry, and I lost over fifty pounds in only three months. I had no one for support. I had to endure this Hell alone. I didn't fight. I didn't win. I only fought back the urge to kill myself long enough for all of it to go away.)

The atmosphere of the pitch-black house becomes one of grotesque, evil malaise. Cockroaches, once the subject of Lucifer's worst phobia, come out in droves to a filthy house and an indifferent Lucifer, who remains in his room, lit only by the light of his computer. The rain becomes ever more intense, pounding on the windows, and the wind screaming against the house. Acting on impulse, Lucifer looks outside his window, with the frequent lightning flashes illuminating the outside long enough for him to see a gruesome sight: his dog's corpse. The mud in which the poor creature was buried in has been washed away, with the loyal companion having been reduced to a mangled pile of fetid flesh, which is eagerly consumed by the legions of roaches now surfacing from their subterranean home. Lucifer shuts his shutter and goes back to his computer. Doing as he did before, he whiles the hours away until 3:00 in the morning before finally moving. The malaise in the damned house grows ever stronger as he slowly strides outside, the cockroaches ignoring him. He hobbles to his parents' shed. Once his personal gym as well as a storage space for his parents, the shed and its forgotten contents have fallen into disrepair, the light barely managing to flicker to life for the first time in half a decade. There are no roaches here. Only ants. Colony after colony of them, having merged under the command of a single queen. Lucifer traverses the carpet of ants, eventually reaching what he came for: two large containers filled with gasoline. Ignoring the protests of the ants covering them, Lucifer hauls them both out of the shed, with the ants sloughing off in the rain. Lightning strikes a large oak, setting it ablaze as it struggles to keep itself rooted in the face of the fiercest wind the city has ever seen. Entering the house, Lucifer turns on the lights in all of the rooms. Afterwards, he stands still for a few minutes, as if he is pondering what to do. The minutes turn to hours, and he finally comes to at 5:00. He has made up his mind. Lucifer begins to spread the gasoline all over the house, mumbling to himself as he does.

  • Lucifer: Aw, man, I'm sick of this house, these walls, this floor, this stupid-ass dog... "I gotta have a kid, I gotta have a kid!" Shoulda stuck with that stupid-ass dog, ain't that right?! Huhuh... Now they're all gonna have to go...!

His room is the last to go. Before spreading the gas, he looks at his still-active computer.

  • Lucifer: (I met you through this, "friend". Were it not for this, I might not have known you.)

Lucifer punches through the computer's screen, rips it out of the wall, and throws it to the floor to be doused with gas along with everything else. The burning oak outside collapses onto a nearby power pole, shutting off the power. Lucifer simply stands still in the dark before lighting a match, hoping in the back of his mind that the air will somehow ignite as he does. It doesn't, and Lucifer remains there, unblinking and unmoving. Finally, after four hours, his family arrives home, drunk and belligerent as always. The storm blocks out the sun, making it seem as though it is still night. Lucifer grabs as many towels as he can carry from the bathroom and throws them in the hallway.

  • Mother: YOU DIDN'T GET IN THE FRIDGE, DID YOU?!?! I SEE FINGERPRINTS ON THESE LOCKS, LUCI-FUCKING-FER!!! WHAT'S UP WITH THESE FINGERPRINTS, LUCI-FUCKING-FER?!?!?!

No response.

  • Mother: ANSWER ME, LUCI-MOTHERFUCKING-FER!!!

Once again, Mother's slurred scream goes unanswered, moving her to march off to look for Lucifer. Not noticing anything amiss, she finds him in the hall waiting for her.

  • Mother: Did you break into the fridge, you sorry sack of shit?!
  • Lucifer: ...
  • Mother: You trying to steal my booze, you little PARASITE?!?!?!?!
  • Lucifer: ...
  • Mother: You wanna throw down?!?!?!

Lucifer slips on a thick pair of gloves, not acknowledging his raging mother.

  • Mother: YOU WANNA THROW DOWN!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?

Grabbing his shirt, Mother punches and claws at Lucifer's face, drawing blood and blackening his eyes. When she finishes, she attempts to leave, but Lucifer silently grabs her by the arm. Mother's irate stare speaks a thousand words as to her intentions, but before she can carry them out, Lucifer throws her into Father's room, the one with the strongest door. Lucifer is deaf to Mother's words of anger, having heard them millions of times before. As she awkwardly attempts to right herself, Lucifer throws what's left of the match into the room, shutting and locking the door as he does, as well as pushing the wet towels under the door to prevent the fire from escaping before it's supposed to. As Mother screams on the other side, Lucifer keeps his gloved hand on the scalding doorknob, silently thanking the idiots who put the lock on the outside of the room, preventing her from unlocking the door. As Father and Grandfather amble into the hall, Lucifer merely brings his gaze to them before taking out a cigarette with his free hand.

  • Grandfather: What are you doing?! This house stinks! Clean it up!
  • Father: I actually kind of like it. It smells sort of like alcohol. Luci, did you put something down on the floor for us to drink?

The two draw closer to Lucifer before he opens the door and kicks them both in. Grandfather's scream is tinged with confusion, while Father's is tinged with an odd, masochistic pleasure. Lucifer makes his way to the garage, with the fire eating through the cracks in the doorway and into the hall, where its primary fuel lies. As Lucifer exits the house, he gives one final glance at the second canister of gas to ensure that it's in the right place. He nods before stepping outside the garage, closing the door behind him. As he reaches the end of the driveway, he snaps out of his fixation with the house when he notices that he failed to consider the shed's destruction. However, this momentary inconvenience is put to rest when he notices that the tall oak crushed the shed when it fell. The house's smoke rises high in the sky, and the stench of gasoline fills the air for almost a mile. Having one piece of unfinished business left, Lucifer goes to the ditch where he buried his dog all those years ago. The dog's corpse now lies half-submerged in the filthy rainwater that has collected in his muddy grave. Discarding his gloves, Lucifer picks up the creature with his bare hands. He walks back along the road to the burning inferno that is his house and, after looking into its blank eyes, throws it in to burn with the rest of his life.

  • Lucifer: Goodbye. I'm sorry, but I've come to a realization. Life is a sickness, for which there is only one truly effective cure: death. Death is the best medicine.

With those words, Lucifer departs for school for the final time. There are no civilians along the way now. The city is quiet, as though everyone has died. The stillness would be unnerving, but Lucifer has no nerves left. He cannot feel the unnatural aura pervading his surroundings. He can only see his destination, a place he is hell bent on reaching. He reaches his halfway point, school, and forces open the jammed doors. The school reeks of ammonia, a stench emanating from the low-quality, hazardous floor cleaner the faculty uses. He makes his way to class, where a doped-up Fuse awaits, mildly irritated by the fact that he arrived fifty minutes late.

  • Fuse: You're... YOU'RE... late...?

Lucifer doesn't respond, and Fuse resumes her mediocre teaching. Dawid strides over to his seat while his new friends aren't looking, hoping that his mood has improved.

  • Dawid: You feelin' better, chum?!?!
  • Lucifer: ...
  • Dawid: C'mon, can't you just let it go?!
  • Lucifer: ...

Lucifer's silence begins to wear on Dawid's nerves, but the latter's attention moves to the scantily-clad woman swaggering to Lucifer's seat.

  • Girl: Hey, baby. Something got you down? That's not normal... Oh wait! It is! That's the way it is, huh... Nobody loves you... Maybe it's because you like the cock?

With every word, Lucifer's eyes narrow. He can barely contain his desire to snap her neck. What she does next surprises him and elates Dawid: she disrobes to her bra and panties, eliciting an erection from every man in the room, with the exception of-

  • Girl: Lucifer!

She begins shaking her backside in Lucifer's face, and makes a failed attempt to shove his nose in her vagina.

  • Girl: You want this, baby? Come on, you can't be THAT faggy! Everyone wants me! Just look at the boys!
  • Dawid: Yeah, Luci! It's a once-in-a-lifetime chance! Don't miss it!

As the aforementioned crowd encroaches, she makes one last appeal to Lucifer, slowly pushing her genitals closer to his face.

  • Girl: Come on... We could... I mean, look at Fuse! We could do it right here!
  • Fuse: They... They stole my car... and... wrapped themselves a... round... a tel... ephone po... uh... POLE... But I don't, uh... care anymore... These anti-deprasaians make mah felk sah baeteer...!

As Fuse faints, the boys come over and give Lucifer a more forceful offer, shoving their shared woman in his face, his face nearly getting lodged in her ample butt. They chant at him in unison.

  • Boys: You ain't shit, huh?! She offers you her pussy and you just sit here?! What kind of chicken-shit fag are you?! Get up, unzip, and give her some ACTION, you pasty little fuck!

Lucifer forcefully pushes the girl off of him.

  • Lucifer: Get that trash out of my face.
  • Dawid: LUCIFER, NO!!!
  • Boys: WHATCHU SAY?!?!
  • Lucifer: Get. That. Trash. Out. Of. My. Face.

Before the boys can pounce-

  • Girl: Well fuck you too! Come on, I've got better things to do!

The boys take her words as an invitation, leaping on her and initiating a raucous gangbang. Lucifer walks toward the door.

  • Dawid: Where are you going, chance-ruiner?
  • Lucifer: ... Come here.
  • Dawid: ?

Dawid obeys, following Lucifer to the entrance of the school.

  • Dawid: Wait, should I go get Enrique?
  • Lucifer: No.

Lucifer turns and faces Dawid.

  • Dawid: Are you over it?
  • Lucifer: ... Tak...

Dawid understands Lucifer's Polish, and grins in sheer glee. But that glee is shattered when he gets a closer look at Lucifer's face. His severely bloodshot eyes are surrounded by black rings, furnished by big black bags underneath them, and the rest of his body looks, to put it lightly, anemic.

  • Dawid: You okay, man?
  • Lucifer: ... I'm okay. I'm just tired. Just tired... I need to talk to you about something, Dawid.
  • Dawid: Huh?
  • Lucifer: I remember the day we first met. You and Enrique sat at the back of the room, always together... We ate lunch together... We started talking... And then we became friends. You were my first since I came here. I just want you to know... you matter to me, Dawid.
  • Dawid: Lucifer...

Lucifer pulls out a small, badly-rolled cigarette.

  • Lucifer: It's for you, buddy...

Dawid grabs it from Lucifer's trembling hand.

  • Dawid: But how am I gonna light it? I don't have a lighter on me...

Lucifer lights a match and lights the cigarette, keeping the match afterwards.

  • Dawid: Aintcha gonna throw that away?
  • Lucifer: Nah... I like the warmth... I'm cold. Besides, they cleaned this place with something flammable, and there isn't a trash can in sight.
  • Dawid: Throw it out the door.
  • Lucifer: No.

With that, the conversation stagnates. A few minutes after, Dawid notices an odd smell and taste coming from the cigarette.

  • Dawid: Where'd you get this? It tastes... weird. I don't know what it is, but something's definitely off.
  • Lucifer: Rat poison.

Dawid nearly drops the lit cigarette on the floor.

  • Dawid: You're lying...
  • Lucifer: I'm not.
  • Dawid: B-but... You just said-
  • Lucifer: I lied.

Pushing Dawid back, Lucifer throws the match on the ground, igniting the flammable floor-cleaner, and shuts the glass doors. Dawid tries to escape, but with a surge of strength, Lucifer twists the handles, making escape almost impossible for the weak Dawid. Lucifer looks on as he pleads for his life on the other side, his gaze penetrating every aspect of Dawid's being. Lucifer lights a cigarette and watches the fire spread through the halls of the school before returning his gaze to Dawid, who mouths off a simple question.

  • Dawid: Why...?
  • Lucifer: ...

Not wanting to dignify Dawid's question with a response, Lucifer simply stares, wishing to see Dawid's final breath. The fire consumes the unconscious Fuse and the students, many of whom had become Lucifer's enemies in the wake of the nightmare. Enrique, apathetic as always, calmly utters his last words.

  • Enrique: Somehow, I knew you'd pull something like this, Luci.

Dawid's body fights on, but to no avail. It only forces him to endure the agony that much longer. Staring into Lucifer's cold, emotionless eyes one last time, Dawid sheds a tear. He truly believed that Lucifer was his friend. The betrayal hurts far more than the fire. Finally, Dawid's heart goes still, his body leaving streaks of blood on the glass door before falling into a slump. By now, the entire school is ablaze. Lucifer patrols the grounds looking for stragglers, but he finds none. The entire school is dead. Everything went as planned. Lucifer presses on to the nearby woods, which have become as dead and lifeless as the city. Only animal skeletons, picked clean of flesh, greet him on his way to the cemetery. Reaching the gates at the top of a steep hill, Lucifer looks at the city skyline, obscured by the smoke billowing from his two victims.

  • Lucifer: (After all of this... You, of all people... I hated you the most, "friend". When your boyfriend called and told me you died, I was ecstatic. I had no idea why... but I was. It was then that I knew my past was dead. Before, you were the only thing that bound me to it... And then... You died. All of a sudden, *POOF*... You're dead. I loved you. That lickspittle was the only thing keeping me from you. Hah... And he was the one to call and give me the news. He wanted me to be a pallbearer at your funeral. HAH!!! No... Nononononononononono... Nono... I stayed at home that night. I looked through our albums... and I cried. Oh, yes, I did cry... I loved you. I needed you. And in the end, I hated you. Of all people to leave me, it had to be you... Leave me stuck with these dicks who called themselves "friends"... Haaaaa... I went out and burned your pictures. I forgot your names. I forgot what you looked like. Lucifer I died that night... And Lucifer II rose in his place. He would not be the victim of life anymore... He would be the wielder of death... Death, my master... And death has led me here... The cemetery... My final destination lies... beyond the cemetery...)

The gates creak loudly at his entry, slamming shut on their own accord afterward, symbolic of his attitude - there will be no turning back. The city will never meet his eyes again. The cemetery is miles across, a single path in its center, surrounded by largely nameless headstones, most of which are partially submerged underneath filthy, stagnant, disease-ridden water. For once, Lucifer holds his head high, darkly eager to reach his destination. Eventually, he finds a massive tree of indeterminate species situated on a small hill in the middle of the cemetery. The tree, like its surroundings, is devoid of all signs of life, with only a single dead leaf protruding from the topmost branch. Underneath it are odd engravings resembling hieroglyphics. Even though they are of no known language, Lucifer's anger-fueled subconscious deciphers them with ease.

  • Lucifer: "Under this tree lies the remains of Rachel, your first and, most certainly, your last. May her disgraced soul find rest in spite of her misfortune in knowing you, Mr. Antichrist."

Lucifer glares at the grave for a moment before stabbing it with the Kurwasame. Kicking away the mud, Lucifer opens the casket underneath to find that he had, as he intended, skewered Rachel's skull. However, something isn't right. She hasn't decayed at all. She was alive. Lucifer is hardly surprised, hoisting himself up and pulling the Kurwasame out of Rachel's pale face, her head hitting the bottom of the casket with a thud, muffled by her thick black hair.

  • Lucifer: I never understood how people can just go about killing their friends and such. I've always heard it was fun... but all it does is make me nauseous.

Shrugging his shoulders, Lucifer kicks mud on Rachel's body in a half-hearted attempt to rebury her. Making his way down the descending path, the fetid water begins to follow him, forming a quaint river to his sides. In the periphery of his vision, Lucifer spots a black rose. Squatting down to view it closer, Lucifer sniffs its bitter-smelling petals. He picks the thorny plant with his bare hand, placing the rose in his shirt with his bloodied hand.

  • Lucifer: (When I met you... You brought me out of my... my hate... I was my greatest enemy... You were my savior. I thought I could throw it all away... and make a new life with you. You pushed me away... but you never once said that you couldn't... You rubbed off on me... We were life brother and sister... But I loved you. I made my decision... I would pursue you to the ends of the earth. You would either accept me or I would die... Whichever came first. You became my purpose. I had nothing else to live for. Not my hateful parents... not my lying friends... and least of all myself. When you seemed to accept me... When you seemed to reciprocate... Something deep down told me that it was too good to be true... And it was. It was fake. And... looking back... you never once said "I love you".)

Lucifer continues, his head held high as before. There is no feeling left to feel, only a goal to reach. The water flows in torrents, never once entering Lucifer's path. The increasingly rocky and misty path make it clear that the gate lies at the very end of the city. A place where nothing exists, the world outside the city, is where Lilith wishes to meet him. Striding out from the gates, Lucifer makes his way out of the small wood outside until he reaches a vast beach. The clouds have completely darkened the sky, with the sun's rays peeking through on occasion, beautifully lighting the horizon and the milky semen sea, something that blows right past the determined Lucifer.

  • Lucifer: ...

A figure awaits in the middle of the beach, as expected.

  • Lilith: You're late.
  • Lucifer: You ought to have expected that from me. Or do you even know me?
  • Lilith: I don't know. Of course, Kebert hasn't arrived yet, so I guess you didn't screw up TOO badly.
  • Lucifer: Pfft...
  • Lilith: So... I'll be leaving soon. Isn't there anything you want to ask me? This is your last chance, Luci. Say what you have to say. Maybe you can make up for your mistakes. You could redeem yourself.
  • Lucifer: ... Why? Why did you do it? I don't get it... Why would you toy with me??

Lilith hesitates ever so slightly before bringing herself to speak.

  • Lilith: ... Kebert was incapacitated and brought to Earth by Jigsteel's government, who planned to use him as a weapon. I was sent here to retrieve him, since, being his lover, I would be the one most likely to get the job done.
  • Lucifer: But where do I come in?
  • Lilith: Let me finish... When I came here, I adopted a persona and settled here, in the only place he could feasibly be. I met you not long after. A week, I believe.
  • Lucifer: ...
  • Lilith: I spent the entire year searching for Kebert, but with no luck. Eventually, after we took those photos, the top brass sent an emergency signal in the form of that thing that hit me and destroyed the school.

Lucifer is shocked, not by the revelation, but by the fact that she remembers anything about their time together. Feeling around his pockets, he finds the picture exactly where he left it: in his breast pocket, undamaged by his antics throughout the story.

  • Lilith: I knew I had to step it up then, or else I'd have an execution ready and waiting when I got back, so I started brainstorming ideas. I went with the first one: initiate Stargasm with another man, changing the world enough to bring him out through a string of ridiculous events.
  • Lucifer: Then I was just your pawn... and your plaything...

Lilith looks away, a somewhat wistful look on her face.

  • Lilith: Mm-hm. And it worked. The world changed, and he came out. But... You drained his power... That wasn't something I expected. Jigsteel did too, but it was far inferior to what you did... Anyway... That's it. I came here to retrieve Kebert Skela, and you were part of the plan. There's nothing more to say about this.
  • Lucifer: ... Then can I ask you one more thing?
  • Lilith: ?
  • Lucifer: Did I ever make you happy?

Lilith recalls her times with the slow-headed Lucifer, whose buffoonery agitated her often, but whose sweetness and devotion endeared to her more so. Many a time did Lilith question why she pursued the high-and-mighty Kebert Skela, but never once had Lucifer done the same to her, when their relationship was basically the same: a devoted lover enduring constant neglect and contempt on the part of their beloved in pursuit of the only thing that mattered: the beating heart of their beloved. Perhaps Lucifer, fatally flawed though he is, was the better person. He did, despite Lilith's closed heart, make her happier than Kebert ever did. Regardless, Lilith stubbornly sticks to her chosen path.

  • Lilith: Not once since I knew you. You have always been a blight upon my existence, and I'll be glad to see you go.

Lucifer is not surprised. He is told exactly what he believed. Anything and everything between them was as ethereal as the still, stagnant air. Lucifer prepares to take his final life, but Lilith's shout stops him in his tracks.

  • Lilith: KEBERT!!!

While Lilith's hands are clutched together in a praying fashion, her knees together, and her eyes intensely focused, wide, and watery, Lucifer shoots a grim look at the man on a nearby rock.

  • Lucifer: ...
  • Kebert: What's this prick doing here?
  • Lucifer: You took the words right out of my mouth, you ugly patrician fuck.
  • Kebert: Oh?
  • Lilith: LUCIFER!!! HOW DARE YOU INSULT HIM LIKE THAT!!! CAN'T YOU SEE HIS AWE-INSPIRING NOBILITY AND MORES, BOTH OF WHICH YOU UTTERLY LACK?!?!

Kebert pushes Lilith out of the way, knocking her to the ground.

  • Kebert: Let the MEN talk, woman.
  • Lilith: Y-yes...
  • Kebert: Got something to say, faggot?
  • Lucifer: Do you even lift?

Lucifer smiles at his immature insult as Kebert's face reddens in anger.

  • Lucifer: What? You can't take an insult that stupid? You're remarkably thin-skinned! I'm surprised anyone would want your sorry ass.
  • Kebert: You've got a big mouth, shitface. People like you and her need to learn your place in the world.
  • Lucifer: We do. I do, at least. I know my place is shooting arrogant little twats who think they're better than me in the head before stomping their face until no one could hope to recognize it.
  • Kebert: Then I guess you should live up to that, huh?
  • Lucifer: I already have. Twice. And now it's gonna be three.

The fight begins without any further talk. The two have had more than enough of each other. Suddenly, an odd figure appears in the background.

  • Father: See, I was born dead. Now I am. I was, therefore I am.

The specter of Father hovers over the ocean and summons a small mass of gravity aimed at the atmosphere, which begins to draw the celestial bodies inward.

  • Father: We treadin' familiar territory, ain't we? Thank god it's almost over!

Meanwhile, Lucifer and Kebert continue their fight, with Lucifer having already sustained several broken bones. Kebert is wiping the floor with him.

  • Lucifer: Hurgh...
  • Kebert: I know what you've been through. Nightmare after nightmare, betrayal after betrayal. I concede you this, Lucifer: you did well to come as far as you have. All your demons fell at your feet... but when it comes to the TRUE demons of this world, you cannot so much as scratch them. Try as you might to fight on... you're already a corpse. It's over, Lucifer. It's over, Mr. Antichrist. This...

Kebert places the tip of his index finger on Lucifer's head, preparing to execute the final blow.

  • Kebert: ... is as far as you go.

Lucifer grabs Kebert's hand and sticks it in his mouth, biting the hand clean off and absorbing his power.

  • Lucifer: All of that on pure instinct. My power comes only when my survival is at stake. It must. Otherwise I would have sucked you dry a long time ago.

Lucifer begins to glow red. He opens his mouth wide, sucking the stunned Kebert in and draining the remainder of his power. He turns his head to Lilith.

  • Lucifer: ... Here I am.
  • Lilith: Wha...
  • Lucifer: Shh...

Lucifer embraces Lilith tightly.

  • Lilith: Ke... Lu... I-
  • Lucifer: I ate your lover. I ate the one who never loved you. I cured your cancer. Now I'm my own cancer. Am I good enough now, Lilith?

The moon crashes into the ocean far away, sending a tsunami of slimy semen toward them and rupturing the Earth's core. The semen wave crashes into the shore and overruns the city, putting out the flames and washing away the dead city, leaving only nothing in its wake. The semen-covered pair gaze into each other's eyes. Lucifer is not long for this world. He has absorbed Kebert's power, but he has not conquered his consciousness. His power is slowly tearing Lucifer apart.

  • Lucifer: Can you do it? For me? Say you love me... and give me one last kiss.
  • Lilith: ...

As the ground collapses around them, leaving only a pillar of earth just for the pair, Lilith nods. She will fulfill Lucifer's last wish. As celestial bodies hurtle towards the Earth, as the semen sea drains into the planet's molten core, as everything becomes nothing, the two kiss one last time. They kiss as passionately as they can, their tongues wrapping around one another. They relish the smell of each other's breath, the taste of their saliva, the feel of their skin, the color of their eyes, the texture of their hair. Finally, Lucifer can hold out no longer, collapsing on his knees.

  • Lilith: Lucifer... I... I l-

Lucifer vomits at Lilith's feet, producing not a rank puddle, but something... odd.

  • Lucifer: Gugugu...
  • Lilith: ?!
  • Kebert: ... Don't ever do that again.

Kebert's voice comes from Lucifer's body. He has taken what was Lucifer's and made it his. Where Lucifer conquered him by stealing his power, Kebert has conquered him by stealing his body. His very identity. The pitiful, naked, and weak Lucifer lies in a fetal position at Lilith's feet, his bulging eyes looking up at her disgusted face.

  • Lilith: ...
  • Kebert: Let's go. I don't want to stay here any longer.
  • Lilith: Yeah. Forgive me, Kebert. I was just being stupid, you know... Hahahaha! ♥

They board Lilith's motorcycle and prepare to leave the dying planet.

  • Lilith: Hey, Luci.

Lucifer shakily rights himself.

  • Lilith: Fuck you. That was all as fake as your haircut!

As Lilith and Kebert drive off, Lucifer pats his hair in confusion.

  • Lucifer: Where'd you pull that out of? My haircut isn't fake... Huh...? What're you doing here?

The wide-eyed ghost of Father makes no attempt to hide his intentions.

  • Father: I'm destroying the world. Can't you see that gravity oihgorhgvbo;hoigrevbogoirhg;gvborgvh over there?
  • Lucifer: The what?

Father grabs his head and forces it in the gravity thing's direction.

  • Father: Are you really that blind, Lucifer? Blind like a Polack? The gravity oihgorhgvbo;hoigrevbogoirhg;gvborgvh. It's right there.

Lucifer nods, pretending to see the microscopic object miles away. Lucifer looks up and sees that the moon's fall has cleared the clouds. He sees Lilith attempting to escape the atmosphere, the gravity thing ruining her efforts each time. Looking behind him, Lucifer sees a big black object flying his way. Stepping out of its trajectory, the object lands and partially sinks in the sand.

  • Father: Would you look at that. It's my gun cabinet.

The cabinet's lock has been damaged. Lucifer opens its door to find its only constant member: a large black shotgun, loaded and ready to fire. Staring into the barrel, a solemn look on his face, Lucifer knows what to do. Stepping out to a hill on the pillar of earth, Lucifer looks out at the chaos in the holy horizon.

  • Father: You're gonna shoot 'em down? Shoot 'em down. Show 'em who's boss, Lucifer.

Instead, Lucifer faces Father and aims the gun at his head.

  • Lucifer: You know where this is going. Before I go though... LISTEN UP, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS!!! THIS ACTION IS NOT A CONCESSION, IT IS ONLY A "FUCK YOU"!!! YOU HAVE NOT, NOR WILL YOU EVER, DEFEAT MR. ANTICHRIST!!! I BROUGHT YOU TO YOUR KNEES, AND YOU DIED FIRST!!! FUCK YOU, GOODNIGHT!!!

Lucifer pulls the trigger, and the cannon-like blast sprays fragments of what used to be his head everywhere, the noise travelling for miles. It is the latter that alerts Lilith.

  • Lilith: What was that?
  • Kebert: Don't stop. It doesn't matter what it was.

Ignoring Kebert's protests, Lilith turns around and speeds back to the earthen pillar, finding Lucifer's mutilated body on the edge.

  • Father: Well... That sucks. That sucks, Lucifer. But not as much as dying with that fat bitch... Brrrr...
  • Kebert: ... How trite.
  • Lilith: ... Hm... Hehe... Hehehe... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
  • Father: That's just cold, biatch. If I was his age, I would understand why he killed himself...

Lilith laughs so hard that she nearly falls off of her motorcycle.

  • Lilith: You stupid bastard! What are you doing?! Just because this is non-canon doesn't mean that you ain't still an angel, bastard! HAHAHA!!!

Lucifer's right arm twitches violently as his head begins to reform at the neck. The neck's regeneration suffered a mistake partway through, which Lucifer fixes by beating the side of it repeatedly until the rest of his head can regenerate. By the time his eyes have reformed, Lilith is gone, the gravity whatever no longer impeding her. And thus, I quit. I'm going to bed.

  • Lucifer: ... Fuck you, baby.

I looked out over once endless semen ocean, now reduced to exposed, semi-molten rock. I knew my life was over. God would not be merciful enough to end it for me this time. No... I would live on, floating through the void of space... That's what I thought. But in the periphery of my vision, I spotted the mist. The endless mist, from which the light called my name. I looked to Father's seat, if only to have a final glance before I left, but he was gone. And so, naked and cold, I walked through the endless mist...























What happened afterwards? Well, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. I can say a few things... just to get them off my chest. I wasn't in my world anymore. I was somewhere else. It wasn't that different though. It was backward and dilapidated, the citizens fat, hero-worshiping, self-righteous scum, just like in my old world. I was told I looked like someone. A ten-year-old boy in the area. I went to his house one night... And I slit his throat. I needed a place to live, after all. I threw the body to the neighbor dogs, and they didn't leave even a splinter of bone. I spent the rest of my life, from then til now, as someone I wasn't. His parents don't call me by his name much anymore, so I'm having trouble remembering it... but I think it was something that began with "T" and ended with "R". And I'll tell you something else... I live amongst you now. I must stop now... You already know too much.

I'll... see you in Hell...


-Ending theme-
-Something-
I never did enjoy the bloodhound's crooning stare.
The prodigious screaming of bloodthirsty fundamentalists.
Nor did I ever understand the endless appeal of big-titted, up-front moe
My music turns my brain to mush, seeing as how my dog is struck dimfaddled at the very lyric of singing boats of lead.
One.
Only one.
This is the product of steamy intermixing in the classroom at the discretion of the teacher.
Don't call it a sandwich, I say unto you, you ugly bitch-nigga.
No sandwich could ever be made from such outrageously shocking human feces, pelted with piercings and overdone hair.
In conclusion, I smashed my head into a tacklebox and hung myself from the chandelier of lard-ass' insatiable huger for lolis.
Don't understand?
You will when you're older.



































Yeah, I didn't really go to bed.


  • Tyler: Evenin', bitches. I finally finished it. After more than two fucking months, I finished it. I would have finished it earlier, but... you know... You failed me. I was committed. I couldn't handle it... so I hung myself. But God was not merciful on this atheist-til-death... No, he had me live again, suffering through the stinking rot of death and all. I am cursed.
On another, more relevant note, you're probably wondering what makes this a "special". Well, this was originally meant to be a Valentine's Day special, to be finished the day of, hence the start at the beginning of the month. I thought I learned my lesson from OEotWS!!, but I was clearly wrong. I might have made, depending on the substance of this final edit, the biggest story on this godforsaken wiki. It was originally intended as a Valentine's gift for someone, but... That someone doesn't care. Dumb circumstance prevents them from reading it now anyway, and even if they could, they wouldn't.
'*SIGH*


I had a lonely Valentine's, as always. No one would even approach me. Seeing this, you're probably thinking "I can see why!". I'm not always like this, and I never express this shit in front of people who actually matter to me, who I admit are few and far between. Let me just say, since this would-be "gift" probably won't even be read by the person it was meant for, that Tsuyoshi hopes your Valentine's was as miserable as his. Lonely, unemployed, and bitter. And that's all the patience I have for tonight. Leave a comment in the off chance that you enjoyed. Keep reading and become my bitch today. It's not like you have anything better to do. And... I'll see you next episode of whatever I write. Since I only do this kind of shit for these big ass specials, it won't be for a LONG time. No bitchfist tonight. I'm tired.
Bye-fucking-nee.


Lilith & Lucifer
with Korobeiniki
I Love All-Blacks!! END