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Lilith (Is)
Lucifer & Korobeiniki
Premiere!!


AD2577/03/20
23:04


Thus it began, this day, no, this night. A muggy spring night, in Heaven above, far above the prying eyes of man and machine, settling below, as they were, from the darkened wars of the past. God (or their perception of IT) had taken hold in the clay-like soil of their brains, the world as stagnant and smelly as a mosquito pond. Death had long since had its fill and retreated back to its slumber, and its foes seemed to disappear with it. And so, on the end of this night, there existed no better time to let loose the dregs from the balloon and let them fall where they would upon the map. Heaven had a bone to pick with these fools. Some may tremble at the thought of a pebble disturbing a peaceful pond on a new moon's night, but they needn't fear here. Heaven was not to release some wicked behemoth to pillage and kill at leisure before Doomsday. No, it was to release the most human beings among its ilk.

  • Angel: How's that man treating you, you filthy troglodyte? I don't see him tailing your heels now!
  • Angel: Will he be going with you, or will he stay in your cell? I thought he actually existed, dear!
  • Angel: And what about that dog you took in there with you?!

Their gibes have no effect upon their target's closed mind. Her faith in her companions is unshakeable, and follow they do, close behind their mistress, singing songs of merriment in their head, ever excited for the suicide mission adventure placed before them at the prison dinner table just this morning.

  • Angel: DON'T BLEED ALL OVER THE PAVEMENT WITH THAT FREE CUNT O' YERS, LILY!!! WE DON'T WANT TO CLEAN THAT SHITE UP!!! I GERENTEE YE, YE GOT YERS FER DENYIN' ME ADMINSHIP WHEN YE STILL HAD YER CREDENTIALS!!! NOW I'M THE DADDY!!!
  • Lilith: ... Don't you think he was always just trying to look like a good guy? Just trying to claw his way up higher, like he just wanted power...? Luci...?
  • Lucifer: Ah, you know the way it is. A back-stabbing Britbong can't take a good joke to save his life. In death, in life, it doesn't matter. We just have one fucked-up God for making them at all, let alone letting them up here.
  • Lilith: That's right, Luci. He's such an idiot...
  • Lucifer: And you, my ever bold love, always spitting in his face within his "all-encompassing" earshot. I love you so much, Lily. I really do.
  • Korobeiniki: What purpose does repeating your poorly-disguised prurience serve when all you do is earn straight rejection for the umpteenth time?
  • Lilith: He just has his head stuck in fantasy, Korobeiniki. Let him be. I have a man. He can never live up to him, and he knows it. He's just compensating, if only in his own stupid way.
  • Lucifer: I have nothing to compensate for when my competition's a fatass whose only advantage is in his height!

The condemned ignores her fellow and continues on past the golden gate in the clouds, walking straight off the faded rainbow bridge and falling furiously in the aether, hurtling towards the earth with all the speed of a meteorite. Perhaps some context would be due at this point... Allow me to introduce this story properly.

In Heaven, those who lived in a manner appeasing the Lord arrive after death to live out their afterlives in comfort and harmony, never knowing unlife, undeath, or True Death. The selecting process is not without fault, however, and among these inductees are malcontents - the catch-all term for the mentally ill, criminals, whores, or any combination of the three, all of whom disturb Heavenly society's order in some way, shape or form. Among the penalties for such behavior is earthbound missionary work - traveling to earth as the hand of God, performing His work and regaining His favor in order to return to Heaven. This was the penalty for one Lilith Schubert, an unbalanced young woman, and her "friends", the feminine lech Lucifer and the chiseled ironclad of a man known as Korobeiniki. The chattering classes circulate rumors that there was no crime, that the trio was a simple pack of unpleasantry that God wished gone. There is no crime in plain view. This punishment, returning to earth and dealing with the living mankind once more, is far too severe a chastisement for those whose hands are clean, but alas, His will cannot be questioned without risk of obliteration, a fate worse than mankind indeed. Thus, we begin. On the twentieth day of March, AD2577, the downcast three began their descent to earth on the will of God, their goal to cleanse the filth from the world and return to glory and redemption. These are their stories.


Opening theme
-Descent Into Dimfaddling, or How Lilith Rose From the Dead and Out of Menopause-
Not long ago, but centuries ahead
A sweltering winter day
None of her pain did she keep inside
Made no effort at all to hide
To God she brought the best of memes
From frogs to feels to Polish wiggers
To everything beneath the sky and above the ground
But God was not pleased
God was never pleased
She felt nothing at this affront
She never felt anything at all
The friends in her head were cold comfort
Abominations manufactured of lonesome perversion
The drink was her only friend
The drink would never say no
And so they too would never say no
A coward's means of ensuring existence
An existence in a lonely virgin mind
A mind that was soon to be out of her head
And onto the wall
A bathroom break
Explosive shits
No paper on the roll
No bidet for the welfare-drawing Europoor
Thus, awkwardly, she waddled to the closet
Her cheeks clutched in a trembling grip on pure liquid feces
She opened the door
She grabbed the paper
But at last, she could hold her body back no longer
The beast was loose, and a blast rang out
God's gun had fallen loose from behind the doorway
Sheet rock and virgin brains painted an aborted Christ upon the wall
Pepe and Wojak sobbed and screamed throughout the night
God wondered how much the repair would run him
And there, on the end of the sink
JPII sat in delight
As he always did
When he imagined the gun as his member
And the head as another child
Raped violently in a Peruvian monastery
The moral is simple
Guns are bad
Catholics are worse
All they do
Is play with your pants
You never understood me
And you never will
So read my garbage
And die just a little more inside


After a solid three hours or so, deep impact commences - shooting across the sky like comets, they bury themselves headfirst in the turf at the peak of nighttime, with no idea where they may be, and, perhaps, no care either. If a celestial impact exterminating the dinosaurs was the equivalent of projectile diarrhea, this impact was the equivalent of a wet fart. Splatter. Embarrassment. And just a touch of humor. It was all here. Not long after, they plucked their heads out like ripe turnips, and surveyed the atmosphere around them with a bemused gusto worthy of Larry, Curly, and Moe. It took no time to deduce where they were.

  • Lilith: Cold... Snow... Tundra... We're in...
  • Lucifer: MOTHERFUCKING RUSSIA, СУКА!!!
  • Korobeiniki: It's Siberia, but it's not as I remember it...

It's quite hard to say it is when there's naught but a hilly land dotted with tall rocks, no civilization in sight, and a colossal hand-shaped formation crossing its fingers in the horizon. No, that's not the way it would've looked circa 2020.

  • Lilith: What is that? How long has that been there?
  • Lucifer: How many things have popped up since our collective deaths and how did they get here? Well, with a populace too dumb to keep a written word about anything other than Christian Jesus the lawn man, the world may never know.

Now, you may deduce from that apparently nonsensical statement that Lucifer is, how you say, a... birdy type. He's a fool, you're surely thinking. Bird brain. A bird brain in a dead man's body. A retard. A fucking dumbass ass burger autist.

  • Lilith: Are you retarded?

And you wouldn't be the only one.

  • Lucifer: Why do I always get called retarded when I'm just making an observation? It's called being CLEVER, LILITH! OBSERVATIONAL HUMOR! I WORK WITH WHAT I HAVE!! NOTHING ELSE!!!
  • Lilith: You work with what you pull out of your ass. You're not funny. Shut up and stop being a fag.

And you'd be right. When Lilith says things like this, it makes the remarkably self-aware Lucifer think that he really IS retarded. Surely, a man with the shifting head of a bird who has to fight through the flimflam floating through the flotsam sea that is his frontal cortex could come up with an appropriately biting comeback.

  • Lucifer: Oh, you think I'm a retarded faggot, huh? How many times have I heard THAT one before, eh? Get original, git gud, Lily! I know what I'll do... I'll call God on your ass! How will you feel about me then? Will I be so retarded after that?
  • Lilith: You'll be even more so after he doesn't show up, once again.
  • Korobeiniki: Careful, Lily! You never know when his piety may be true! At that point-

It's at times like these, in moments of depression, despair, and desperation, that Lucifer busts out his secret weapon - with a wordy, random chant, the God of Wisdom and Justice appears, here to serve you finely baked and crisply fried nuggets of wisdom and strength through a feeding tube!

  • Lucifer: Mary and Motrin, til death consumes them, grow and grow and GROW (grow and grow and GROW!)!!! Babe, it's just a mountain, no, just a fountain, so and so and SO (so and so and SO!)!!! When the darkness brings perdition, ON THE EVERGREEN!!!

And from nowhere, like a true god, there he is. Dreadheaded and packing more heat in his head than a supernova, he is something from nothing, becoming the head that guides the hand far off in the distance.

  • God: HALLO, EVERYNYUN!!! HOW ARE YOU, FINE, THANK YOU?!

Two thin, scrawny arms flag his piercing stare down from you to the cold ground beneath him, not without a begrudging sensibility.

  • Lucifer: HIIIIIIIIIII GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!
  • God: AH, TIS JAH, LUCYFUR!!! WHAT BRINGS YA TA CALL FER MAH AID THIS FINE MORNIN, RASTA?!?!
  • Lucifer: Lilith has severely damaged my self-esteem once again by throwing childish playground insults at me in a cold and apathetic manner! I would much appreciate it if you were to discipline her by binding her with arms of stone and blessing me with a holy whip with which to chastise her! Please don't make the binds too tight, though, as I will find myself unable to remove her clothes for a thorough probing, and-
  • God: AH, SAY NO MAH, LUCYFUR!!! ...
  • Lucifer: ...
  • God: ...
  • Lucifer: ...
  • God: ...
  • Lucifer: ...
  • God: ...
  • Lucifer: ...
  • God: ...
  • Lucifer: ...
  • God: ...
  • Lucifer: ...
  • God: ...
  • Lucifer: ... Gee, God, you sure do work in mysteriously slow, ineffectual ways!
  • God: ... YA KNOW, LUCYFUR, GOD IS GETTIN MIGHTEH TAHRED OF THIS SUBJECT.